z

Young Writers Society



In Motion

by mer


This is a poem i wrote about a year ago so one of my first. tell me what you think.


All in a matter of moments
And what I thought was there is not.
As quickly as life drives by, it waves goodbye
To the hope that we live on
And forgive from.

You have spoilt my chance
To continue this dance through the world
On which I am spinning.
My hair is thinning,
Yet my vision ceases to see a beginning...

Could I realise you?
Undo the ghastly things that you do
Solely to see your frowning?
Or shall I risk drowning in myself
Because you refused to swim?

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Wed Sep 27, 2006 2:52 am
theluckyflower wrote a review...



Wow, I really like this! No, seriously, I really do! Great work!

Something that really struck me was that the style was so different form what I've read before. So, yeah, your style of writing poems is cool.

I only have a few things to point out:

All in a matter of moments
And what I thought was there is not.


This sounds a bit awkward, because 1) The "and" kind of lengthens the line out, making it unbalanced with the previous line, and 2) the poem is in past tense, but the statement "is not" is in the present tense.

Or shall I risk drowning in myself
Because you refused to swim?


Because "because" is in the beginning of the second line, insert a period at the end of the line before it.

Once again, great work! I hope my critique helped.

Yours truly,

***__THELUCKYFLOWER__***





Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus