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a reflection

by mephistophelesangel


Growing up alongside a family that would rather beat me than give fond hugs, I've inevitably come to accept a few things. 

I've accepted the things that I have, and some things I'll never have.

I've accepted that I have my friends, and my dogs. I have my fitness and my love for the arts. I have my job and a great boss, and I have my paychecks and the occasional gifts to spoil myself. I have my resilient personality, and I have pride in the fact that I have survived it all with my spirit still intact. 

I've accepted that I'll never have a family to go back to when it's Christmas or Thanksgiving time. I'll never have the opportunity to post a loving picture on Instagram on Father or Mother's day. I'll never have the urge to talk about my childhood while others are happily reminiscing on theirs. I'll never have the courage to listen to the audio file that I secretly recorded while I was getting stomped on by my mother. I'll never have the heart to forgive myself for not calling the authorities. I'll never have a place in my heart for a family.

I think that reflections can help you better understand yourself. I think that hiding from yourself can never truly help you, since you will eventually be chased down - you know yourself best. 

This is more of my reflections rather than "my story".

Just like recovery, acceptance is a process.

I don't ask for sympathy or empathy. Simply understanding, at the most.

Thank you for reading.


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48 Reviews


Points: 4957
Reviews: 48

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Sat Jul 07, 2018 5:49 am
Bloodlord wrote a review...



Hi, Bloodlord here for a review!

Thank you so much for sharing this.

I like how you take your experiences one step further in this piece. You not only remember your experience, but you also take the time to not simply be angry or resentful so that you can reflect on and accept your past. When people have gone through a hard past, they are often prone to running from it, and you were very courageous to face and accept your past in this piece. I think you said this really well with,

"I think that reflections can help you better understand yourself. I think that hiding from yourself can never truly help you, since you will eventually be chased down - you know yourself best."

I like how you describe acceptance as a process rather than an instantaneous revelation - this piece seems like a necessary and helpful part of this process.

I admire your motivation and balanced acceptance. You know yourself, what you possess, and your experiences. You accept both he bad and the good as part of your past, present, and future, and you are willing to move forward.

I can really relate to your piece, as someone who has witnessed / experienced violence as well, so this was very inspiring.

Thank you, and I look forward to reading more of your work.




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84 Reviews


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Reviews: 84

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Wed Jul 04, 2018 4:27 am
Daughter wrote a review...



Hi there! Arden here to review your work.

I did enjoy this. Even though it was less (in your words) "your story" and more of a reflection, I still found it to be a satisfying read.
I'm very sorry about your experiences with your parents during your childhood. I think you've looked back on it very gracefully here and you do seem to carry the resilient personality that you mentioned.

In terms of reviewing the piece, I think I'll probably just point out a few things I found that made me think (in a good way, of course.)

Growing up alongside a family that would rather beat me than give fond hugs,

This immediately hit a bit close to home, as my own father can be violent and unpredictable, but I did definitely feel for you with this line. It's definitely a very sad and toxic situation for a child to feel that way around anyone, much less their own parents.

I've accepted that I have my friends, and my dogs. I have my fitness and my love for the arts. I have my job and a great boss, and I have my paychecks and the occasional gifts to spoil myself. I have my resilient personality, and I have pride in the fact that I have survived it all with my spirit still intact.

I admire your desire to push forward here. You don't seem to dwell in the past, and that's healthy. Your coping mechanism seems to be to adapt, which is good.

I've accepted that I'll never have a family to go back to when it's Christmas or Thanksgiving time. I'll never have the opportunity to post a loving picture on Instagram on Father or Mother's day. I'll never have the urge to talk about my childhood while others are happily reminiscing on theirs. I'll never have the courage to listen to the audio file that I secretly recorded while I was getting stomped on by my mother. I'll never have the heart to forgive myself for not calling the authorities. I'll never have a place in my heart for a family.

Of course, there will always be a pang of sadness coming with moving on. It's unfortunate that you won't be able to look back on a "happy", stable childhood as you grow up when most of your peers will, but becoming an adult will bring new memories & help you to further leave behind the old.

Overall, I enjoyed this piece a lot. I hope to see more from you, if you do write more.

Thank you for sharing,

Arden





We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway