Young Writers Society

Hello again!

Part 5 - again, the descriptions here are really very lovely and I thought this was the best section yet. One thing I'm confused about is why Teal dies so often. I still don't know if it's metaphorical dying or literal dying, and if it's literal I don't understand how he's coming back to life all the time. I'd like a little more description or explanation about that.

What I'd like to talk about here is the character development. That was one thing you mentioned in your original request. I'm not sure how to feel about either of the characters and I'm not sure how the characters feel about one another. There is so much description throughout this piece (it's pretty much all description) that I haven't really gotten to know the characters. I think in those places where I mentioned you could slow down, one of the things you could do is add more dialogue between these characters. I want a sense of their personalities and how they interact with one another because that will help your reader get to know them.

At the beginning of this scene, Teal mentioned how he's trying to get away from Gale. I don't remember that happening before or why he would feel that way. I thought Gale was helping him? Does Teal want to get away from Gale? If so, why? What does Gale want from Teal? What does Teal want from Gale? I think that type of information will help us get to know them and understand them better.

Part 6 - hmmm interesting ending! Overall, I liked this whole part the best out of the three. I think some of the things I've already said (like slowing down and showing more) would be beneficial here as well.

Overall, this is an interesting piece. It reminds me of The Giver in a weird way - the one guy showing the other guy stuff and sort of using him. (haha that's a horrible description of The Giver :p). Anyway, the one big thing I think you can do to improve the piece (just to sum it all up) is to slow down and show more. I think that would take this to the next level

Let me know if you have any questions, need me to elaborate on anything, or if anything I said was confusing!!

Hello, steampowered here for a review!

Awww, this is the end. No more Teal dying, no more Gale constantly trying to please his creation and getting frustrated when it doesn’t work (I have this mental picture of Gale as some kind of puppy who’s doing everything he can to please his human and getting kicks when he expects biscuits but never losing hope!) Anyway, onto reviewing:

While this was a somewhat sad ending, I didn’t feel like it was over-the-top depressing. I mean, I felt really sorry for Gale because he’s lost his companion, and maybe he’s always going to be alone. But I felt kind of happy for Teal, because Gale didn’t just give up and leave him dead. He left him asleep in a place where other humans could find him. Whatever happened to Teal afterwards the reader can only guess at, but my own theory is that he was taken in by the tribe and was around his own people. I mean, we could also assume that the humans killed him (poor Teal, doesn’t exactly get along well with others) but it’s left open to the reader’s interpretation. So it could equally well be a bittersweet ending as a tragic one.

“I hate these colors,” Teal seethes, and stomps on the leaf one last time with a soft crunch. “They’re too loud. They burn my eyes.”

Then, with the snow melting outside, Gale hugs his knees to his chest and spends the days leading up to summer ripping his eyes out again and again.

hahaha, Gales like that kid who keeps putting his broken toys back together, then after it breaks too many times he just tears it apart. I love how a story that seems to take itself so seriously still has this satirical edge to it, but then you flip the table to depressing with the last line. You're really good at playing with a reader's emotions ._.

Gale finds Teal frozen to death an hour after and the world explodes into its first blizzard.

“I hate these colors,” Teal seethes, and stomps on the leaf one last time with a soft crunch. “They’re too loud. They burn my eyes.”