Young Writers Society

Hello again! Happy review day! (Sorry again about taking so long to get to this :O)

I really like your chapter/scene titles - very creative. Even though I'm not 100% how they relate to the rest of the scene, I think it works

Part 3 - I'm not sure if I should refer to it as a chapter because each little piece is so short (which is fine!) but similar ideas will apply. Last time I talked a little about showing vs telling and you're still using mostly telling here. I want to add a little to that and say that telling sometimes is perfectly fine. I think at the beginning of this section when you're describing the changing of the seasons and time is passing, it's fine to tell because you're trying to pass a lot of time.

But then after that, I think the scene falls flat because nothing really happens. There's no action or conflict. They run through the forest and laugh and there are tears that turn the season to summer. (I'd like a little more about those tears - does he literally have the power to turn the seasons like that? I want more description about that.) There is potential for action and conflict and plot advancement here, I think you just need to give us a little more. (Remember that action doesn't have to be things exploding, just that something needs to happen).

Think about what you want the focus of the scene to be - Gale changing the season? That's the goal. What's the conflict or the thing keeping Gale from being able to do that? What are the stakes or what will happen if Gale can't do that? How does each character feel? What do they think? What do they see/feel/hear/smell? What do they actually do? Those types of questions can help you build the scene a little more. (And if you don't want that to be the main focus, apply it to whatever you want the main focus to be).

Part 4 - I really liked the descriptions in the beginning about the season and what they're experiencing in this season! Great! Exactly what I was saying before about using the five senses to paint a picture

Now try to apply that to other areas. Like the ending here moves really fast. Slow down and paint a picture about these guys they see, exactly what these guys do, what the thoughts/feelings are of the characters, what Teal and Gale do about the guys, and more about this death thing (literal death or metaphorical death?) Slow down and show us exactly what happens.

I'll leave things there for now and move along to the next part. Let me know if you have any questions, want me to elaborate on anything, or if anything I said was confusing!

So, Gale doesn't have complete control over this world? Or just doesn't realize that he does?

In a way, I feel like you lost your rhythm in the first part of this. The story becomes too rushed and a little disorienting.

When spring has nearly passed them by, Gale stumbles across Teal laughing like something even warmer than the sun from atop a tree branch. With a strangled yelp, Gale’s legs tangle and he slams into the ground haphazardly. Above him, Teal’s laughter comes to an abrupt pause and he yells down at Gale if he’s hurt.

(He rips the two men to pieces and slams them into the ground so deeply that the glow of Teal’s season will never reach their eyes again.)

Hello, steampowered here to review!

Awwww, this was so cute and yet so sad. Especially the ending. I feel so sorry for Gale, and also for Teal (I mean, the number of times that guy has died, you have to feel sorry for him right?)

They manage to last through the long winter while everyday Gale begs for the snow to stay

When spring has nearly passed them by, Gale stumbles across Teal laughing like something even warmer than the sun from atop a tree branch. With a strangled yelp, Gale’s legs tangle and he slams into the ground haphazardly. Above him, Teal’s laughter comes to an abrupt pause and he yells down at Gale if he’s hurt.

And when Teal descends onto the ground to place a hand on Gale’s shoulder, Gale laughs only for the man made from his own reflection.

Gale stares, then he lets go of the leaves to catch Teal as he pitches forward bonelessly. Over Teal’s shoulder, he can see two men covered in the rough skin of animals. One of them holds a long, curved branch with a string connecting each end. They exchange a series of syllables, then one jabs a finger at Teal and shakes his head.

After easing the stick as gently as possible from Teal’s neck and watching him shudder awake with violent coughs, Gale refuses to cry when Teal doesn’t know what he means at all by a thing called autumn.

3. Oh so don’t pay no mind to my watering eyes, must be something in the air I’m breathing

Once again, Gale tells Teal nothing.

And when Teal descends onto the ground to place a hand on Gale’s shoulder, Gale laughs only for the man made from his own reflection and feels the teardrops sink into the ground to bloom and shape the world into summer.

Feeling the hot wetness of blood spill down his shoulder and back, Gale clutches helplessly at Teal as he slowly settles him down onto the ground into a red and orange grave. When the wooden stick refuses to budge from Teal’s neck, Gale turns his head sideways and lays it back down gently.

After easing the stick as gently as possible from Teal’s neck and watching him shudder awake with violent coughs, Gale refuses to cry when Teal doesn’t know what he means at all by a thing called autumn.

(He rips the two men to pieces and slams them into the ground so deeply that the glow of Teal’s season will never reach their eyes again.)