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Gray : Present Three

Dawn advanced down from the throne, a hand on the pommel of his sword.

Gray stared numbly as Dawn stopped in mid-step right in front of him. Ispen made a move as if she wanted to step forward, yet it ended at a flinch. Narrowing his golden eyes, Dawn ran his gaze over Gray’s face.

“And you seem to be dead,” he finally said.

“I am,” Gray replied to him expressionlessly. “I remember that I’m dead.”

Not taking his eyes off of Gray, Dawn raised a finger to point at Ispen. “Tell me, is this Viska?” he asked. His voice was cold and low, just as Gray could somewhat recall.

“He is, your majesty,” Ispen told Dawn. “But now—“

Dawn straightened his hand in a gesture for silence. He slowly moved his gaze back and forth in-between Ispen and Gray. “Answer me. Do you remember the spell you cast in the last war?”

For a while, Gray blinked to himself, bright, painful images rushing through his head, words, sounds, screams. Finally, he looked into Dawn’s eyes. “I do,” he replied. “I remember some of it.”

“Fell told me that you were dead. I saw your corpse myself,” Dawn muttered, backing away a step. “Explain, then I’ll have you gotten rid of.”

“I don’t remember,” Gray whispered. The air around him felt cold. He grabbed onto his arms. “But Fell killed me.”

Dawn unsheathed his gold-handled sword from his waist, and pointed the end of the blade at Gray’s neck. “I had a good reason for killing you,” he stated. “And I believe I also have one right now. You’re supposed to be dead, so I’ll let you stay dead this time.”

The sword dug into Gray’s skin. A drop of black blood rolled along the flat side of the blade. Grimacing, Dawn pushed the sword forward even more. Unconsciously, Gray reached up and firmly held the sword with both of his hands. Cold blood streamed down his wrist.

“Your majesty,” Ispen finally said in protest. “At least let Fell come. Let him explain.”

Dawn glanced at Ispen out of the corners of his eyes. “And where is he now?”

Gray couldn’t decide why, yet the reliance that was audibly blended into Dawn’s voice made him grit his teeth. Swiftly, Dawn pushed the sword closer to Gray. Another flow of dead blood began.

“He’s coming. I left him with two horses. I swear that he’ll explain everything,” Ispen’s voice was emptying out of emotions, becoming dull. She took a deep breath, and glanced at the intricate doors that led into the hall. “He will come, your majesty.”

Then they waited.

While they did, Gray looked at the blood rolling down the blade, and thought about Viska. A man that only a part of himself was. It was tearing him apart every moment. The memories and spells of Viska, and the cold, dead body of Gray. Viska was someone that Dawn and Ispen knew. Gray only knew Fell. Yet, the knowing only went so far; every time he attempted to put together the images and sounds together, it crumbled apart.

The sword had moved forward a bit more when the doors opened.

With his white hair tied back neatly, Fell strolled into the hall. Dawn turned his body to face Fell. Before anyone could speak, Fell instantly knelt on one knee. “Your majesty. Let me explain this.”

Dawn’s eyes sharpened even more. “I am expecting you to.”

Fell fixated his gaze on the floor. “When Viska died for the first time, he used a spell to reanimate himself. The exact spell, I do not know of, but I am certain that it was a spell. He left the kingdom and remained on a cliff for a time.”

“How did you find him, then?” Dawn asked, the suspicion from his voice still present.

“I heard the beggars singing about a gray ghost on a cliff. Since the situation is so demanding, I thought that I could go seek it out. And Viska agreed to save the kingdom, then go back to where he had been.”

“He did?” frowning in seemingly disbelief, Dawn glanced at Viska. The sword was already off of his neck. “You did, Viska?”

Wordlessly, Gray nodded. After the confirmation, Fell continued to talk. “Despite of the past, he is one of our most powerful wizards. We should get him to the battlefield when Dowen’s dragons are at their strongest, so he can cause the most damage.”

“No,” Gray intervened. “I want to get out as soon as possible. I’ll stay where the war begins.”

Fell gave him a long, pale look, then turned his eyes away. “If you wish,” he responded.

“And,” Gray continued. “I’m not Viska. Don’t call me Viska. I’m Gray.”

Ispen made a choked sound in her throat. Dawn unhurriedly nodded, and slid his bloodied sword back into its sheath. The accusation on his face was now almost gone. “Before you go,” he said to Gray. “Cast a spell, right here. I’d like to see a proof that you still have magic.”

Gray blinked. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, then fixed a weak gaze at one of the unlit candles on the wall. “‘Shall the winds’…” he began to say. Fell raised his head and stared. Gray’s body trembled, and he planted his feet firmly into the ground. “‘Shall the winds carry you across the river, to the scythe,’” he whispered.

At that precise moment, Fell’s face resembled an ice statue more than anything. He clenched his hands into fists.

The candle flew off of the wall, and hovered in the air in front of Gray for a few seconds. He stared at it in clear wonder, as if he hadn’t known his capabilities himself. Then he set the candle back to where it had been.

A new silence settled over the hall. Dawn finally spoke up. “You can leave with my army tomorrow, in the morning. Until then, stay in the palace.”

Hurriedly, Ispen bowed one last time before she began to lead Gray toward the door. “You can stay in your room,” she told him. “It should be suitable.”

While nodding, a thought jumped into Gray’s mind. He paused mid-stride, and turned. He looked intently at Fell.

“What is it?” Fell asked with a face that didn’t betray anything. Without saying anything, Gray reached out a hand. Visible confusion settled across Fell’s face, before it shifted to realization. “Right,” he muttered with a smile that looked just a little bit tired. “Here.”

He fished inside his red robe for a moment, before he brought out the wooden pipe. Without hesitation, he tossed it over to Gray, who caught it with a fumble. This time, Gray led his way out of the hall.

Once the massive doors closed behind him and Ispen, her face went slack in relaxation. Glancing at her, Gray silently held out the pipe. She frowned for a second before she put her fingers against the pipe and said, “Hecla.”

A spark of flame appeared, and the pipe began a trail of black smoke. Gray put the end of the pipe into his mouth, closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply, for a moment ignoring the white and gold palace around him.

When he opened his eyes, he saw a strange, white look on Ispen’s eyes; something that stood in the middle of shock and wonder. He pulled the pipe away from his mouth. “Is something wrong?” he asked.

Ispen’s expression slowly turned into a frown. “That’s poison,” she told him. “Something that can take dozens of lives. If I weren’t used to those sort of smells, I would have very much fainted.”

Gray squinted his stiff eyes and blew out a plume of black smoke. “It feels familiar,” he murmured, half to himself. “A pipe with black smoke,” he paused, glancing at where Fell would be standing behind the closed doors.

“As if it’s a gift,” he said. 

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Lauren2010
Review

Hey there mephisto! Back again for more ^^

I really enjoy watching this story move forward, and having more and more information revealed that continues to raise the stakes of this story. I didn't have many issues with this chapter specifically, but there are a few things that I'm beginning to notice overall.

“Your majesty,” Ispen finally said in protest. “At least let Fell come. Let him explain.”

Why didn't Fell come with them? Maybe I'm just forgetting from the previous present chapter, but I don't recall an explanation for Fell being left out. Just Ispen and Viska/Gray being swept off. As a third person pov, you have access to a narrator who can give us that information (something we only need in brief, really).

“I heard the beggars singing about a gray ghost on a cliff. Since the situation is so demanding, I thought that I could go seek it out. And Viska agreed to save the kingdom, then go back to where he had been.”

This is one of those overall things I think we need more information on. As it is, this is one of the first times I'm hearing about the kingdom being in trouble and needing saving, but I don't know what the trouble is or who they need saving from. I have no sympathy for this kingdom, no investment in whether Gray does or does not help them, and little idea of what the stakes are in this situation. This is information a reader needs earlier in the story, so that we aren't feeling left behind when things start happening.

Hurriedly, Ispen bowed one last time before she began to lead Gray toward the door. “You can stay in your room,” she told him. “It should be suitable.”

Your room? Gray has a room at the castle? This is something else I feel like I need more backstory on to better understand Gray/Viska's position with the kingdom now vs when he was still alive.

When he opened his eyes, he saw a strange, white look on Ispen’s eyes; something that stood in the middle of shock and wonder. He pulled the pipe away from his mouth. “Is something wrong?” he asked.

Ispen’s expression slowly turned into a frown. “That’s poison,” she told him.


Does she mean literal poison?? Or poison in the way that smoking is bad for you? Why is she so shocked/in awe? Is this something that not a lot of people partake in, or is it something that Gray/Viska refused to partake in in his past? I need more context for why this is so surprising, because right now the only one affected in this moment is Ispen.

Overall, I think the biggest issue I'm having is lack of context. It's making it hard for me to fully connect to the story as a reader, which causes a reader to be less inclined to read on. Readers want to know stuff, it makes us happy to know stuff. Especially stuff that's going to make it easier to understand the world and the story, and become better invested in it and the characters we're following. All in all I'm still enjoying this read, and can't wait to move on to the next parts!

Keep writing, and thanks for sharing!

-Lauren-

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Before I begin my actual review, I would like to clarify that I haven't read any of the previous installments, so please forgive me if I mess up on any of your storyline. In order to avoid that, I will try and focus on grammar and general style.

What is mainly the problem here, is that your description is basically telling and you are only using one of the senses (senses such as sight, smell, sound, ect..,), which is sight.

Telling is fairly easy to deal with. When writing you want to go for a fairly even mixture of telling and showing. If you have too much telling then the reader gets bored and won't get a good picture. If you do too much showing then your story will go too slow, the details will just overwhelm the reader, and they will get bored and leave. So it's extremely important that you do an even mixture of showing and telling.

For example: Telling would be saying she felt scared. Showing would be saying she felt a shiver run up her back. Or something like that. What I'm meaning is that you need to be descriptive. Give an example to the reader for them to hold onto and relate to. They have something to relate to, then they will continue to read. Make sense? A great article to read when it comes to this is this article here. Hope it helps! If you have any questions about this, then I'd be happy to answer them.

The other problem with your description is that you only have one sense in your writing, with a couple of stints with another. While sight is highly important when building a picture, using the other four senses are vital as well. I noticed you used touch occasionally, which is good, but were is the sound? Was the room quiet or loud? I noticed that you did describe a man's voice one time, but description requires more than that. You need your reader to hear everything.
The best example that I can give when it comes to using more sensory description is at the end, when he begins to smoke the pipe. What exactly did the smoke taste and smell like? I myself have never smoked anything in my life, so I wouldn't know what it's like. So what is it like? What did it smell like to him? Yes, the woman was used to it so maybe it didn't smell as strong to her, but if it is black smoke then that might be a sure sign that it is strong-smelling. See what I mean? You need to have strong visual detail in order for your reader to have a strong image.

Another flow of dead blood began.


Dead blood? Do dead people have blood?

One small comment that is really storyline and style then anything, but I figured I'd take my shot. Gray's display of magic. To be honest, I didn't find it that impressive. All he did was make a candle fly off the wall, right? What's so impressive about that? Maybe I am missing something here, but I really wasn't that impressed with his magic. Maybe something that would be more big sounding? If that makes any sense. Sorry, if this messes up on your storyline a bit. :c

The sword dug into Gray’s skin. A drop of black blood rolled along the flat side of the blade. Grimacing, Dawn pushed the sword forward even more.


So why is he grimacing? If somebody is going to kill anybody in cold blood, I wouldn't think that they would be grimacing in the slightest.

Overall, there seems to be quite a bit of talking and moving right now. Honestly, I was feeling quite a bit confused by it all. Not by what is actually happening-- that was easy to grasp onto-- but by all the different actions, it was difficult to get what exactly they were doing. I'd suggest running through and taking out all the unnecessary actions. Ones that you know won't really add anything to the overall effect. It will clear up your writing, and make everything more understandable.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. ^^

Keep writing!

~Cricket

User avatar
BrinaO Review
BrinaO wrote a review · Sun Feb 22, 2015 9:34 pm

Lets get started. This is the first part I have read so far but I plan to read more! It was very easy to follow and understand what was happening in this part in the story. The dialogue was rich and very insightful to the characters.
Your last sentence is perfect.

User avatar
Dustbunny14
Review

Hey! Dustbunny here for some review!
Now to be honest this is the only piece that I've read in this series so i don't really have anything to advise story wise. What i did read though i very much enjoyed!
One thing that i thought i would mention was: “I am,” Gray replied to him expressionlessly. “I remember that I’m dead.” The, "I remember i'm dead" part seems unneeded and it kind of threw off the flow a bit, now i did notice that Gray said "I remember" several times so that may be something that you have recurring in the story and actually if that's the case i think it would be fine to add that, but if the character is just saying it, then you might cut it out, just seems unnecessary.
“I do,” he replied. “I remember some of it.” It seems to me in that part that Gray is kind of zombie like, and on like a truth serum or something because he is only answering in flat out answers. So for him to say "I do" implying that he does know the spell that he cast and then say "I know some of it." Kinda throws you off, all of his other answers were so precise but this one he had to correct himself on. It just makes you wonder about the character and how they are really behaving.
I did like the story, like i said i honestly haven't read any of the others but i think i might go back and check them out, even though i just sort of picked up in the middle of everything it was fairly easy to get the general idea of what was going on. So good job! I look forward to seeing more of you!



Writing is like love: the real thing is a lot less romantic
— dragonfphoenix