12+

Gray : Past Three

From atop the Southern Castle’s roof, Viska looked on at a boy.

Fell was visibly struggling to catch up with the rest of the knight trainees. When the rest of the group swung their swords twice, Fell fought to simply not drop his blade. With a frown, again, Viska questioned Dawn’s decision to put a young boy in with grown men.

Even as Viska watched, Fell panted and nearly tripped on his own feet. His face, and everybody else’s, were red and drenched with sweat. Slowly, Fell picked up his sword again and swung down at the proctoring knight’s signal. A harsh yell broke free from his cracking throat.

Viska tilted his head to the side, adjusting his elbows on the warm stones beneath him. “‘The bird shall be free in the white winds,’” he whispered.

A cold wind rushed down from where he stood, and swept through the men and Fell. Viska didn’t watch his wind; instead, he sank down onto the stone floor, leaned against the wall, and pinched the bridge of his nose. With a sudden burst of anger, he gritted his teeth sharply.

Fell didn’t understand what it meant to be bound to a kingdom; especially for a Chimi. He didn’t know.

Pressing down on his rage carefully, Viska took a deep breath. “‘And the bird cries into the heavens, cursing its broken wings. Shall its eyes forever bleed tears. Yet the throes of life will loosen when light leaves. May freedom embrace the song of the dead bird,’” he recited.

When his fingertips began to fade, he closed his eyes.

* * *

Ispen was waiting for him in front of his room.

The moment in which Viska caught sight of her, he frowned. He raised a tired hand to wave her away. “Just go, Ispen. It’s been a long day even without you.”

Scoffing, Ispen leaned against the door of Viska’s room. Her bright hair tumbled over her shoulders. “That’s for you to deal with. I stopped by because of the Chimi boy.”

Viska stopped in his process of thinking of a spell to push Ispen away from the door. He narrowed his eyes, his head beginning to clear partially. “What?”

“The Chimi boy. White hair. Pale eyes. He’s training to become a knight, isn’t he?”

For a second, Viska contemplated saying something against the truth. Then he scoffed and rubbed his forehead. “How did you know that?”

Without replying to his question, Ispen slowly leaned forward, her eyes dark with a swirling tornado of threats and warnings. “You better keep your ears open, Viska. You did bring him into the palace, after all.”

She didn’t give Viska any time to talk before she walked away briskly. Viska sent a glare behind her. “I said that it’s been a long day even without you, Ispen,” he called out through gritted teeth.

No response came back.

Roughly, Viska slammed his door open and let it close behind him. Fatigue rushing over him, he sighed and rubbed his eyes.

* * *

Where Fell usually was training with the rest of the soldiers, there was no trace of him.

Viska slowly narrowed his eyes into thin slits, and scanned the Southern Castle carefully, dubious that he had missed something. The gray stones and the training men gave away nothing. Once more, Viska studied the group of knight trainees. Again, no trace of the boy that he was looking for.

The words that he had shared with Ispen flashed across his mind. Murmuring in dissatisfaction under his breath, Viska swiftly approached the proctoring knight.

When the knight caught sight of Viska, he froze, then raised a hand to stop the sideways swing of the trainees’ sword. Viska absently made a dismissive hand gesture, and grabbed the knight to pull him aside.

“Where is he?” Viska instantly demanded once they both were out of earshot. A look of confusion flashed across the knight’s face. He tugged his arm free from Viska’s grip and frowned.

“Who, sir?”

Viska pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head a couple times to clear it. “The white haired boy. He’s been training with you for the last few months or so. Now, where is he?”

The knight shook his head firmly, composure returning into his brown face. “I don’t know, sir.”

A flash of rage blinded Viska, and he shot out his arms like a viper to grab onto the knight’s chainmail shirt. The iron protested under his fingers as he slowly began to squeeze. “Where is he?”

“It’s not allowed for me to tell—“ the knight paused, and began to cough violently with his hands on his throat. His face was turning purple. Viska gritted his teeth and loosened his grasp. He drew one hand back to his side.

‘A dragon’s bones were in a forlorn pile,’” he hissed.

Slowly, the white tip of a dagger ripped through the palm of his free hand. He heard a sharp intake of breath, yet didn’t bother to look. His crimson blood soaked the ground below him as he forcibly wrenched the dagger out.

His breathing trembled. For a second, he dropped his chin to his chest and inhaled deeply, fighting the feeling of unbelievably hot agony. Then he pointed the dagger at the knight, whose face was pale and clammy.

“Dragonbone will kill you, I promise,” Viska gritted out. “Tell me where he is.”

“In the royal palace,” the knight stuttered out.

Cradling his hand to his chest, Viska quickly began to whisper the spell. “‘And the bird cries into the heavens—’” he said, then stopped.

For the first time in his life, he said, “Tekinsne.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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Lauren2010
Review

Hello again, mephisto! :D

This! This was so great! I loved the moment to slow down and watch Fell interacting with other people through Viska's eyes. It gives us a nice insight to both characters, as well as how Viska views and feels about Fell. This is really effective in the beginning chapters of a novel for introducing us to the characters and creating reader sympathy, and so I'd love to see more of this kind of scene throughout the previous chapters! You do it so well, don't hold out on us. ;)

The only minor thing I had in this chapter was this:

Viska pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head a couple times to clear it. “The white haired boy. He’s been training with you for the last few months or so. Now, where is he?”

Whoa, massive time jump I wasn't aware of. Page breaks like you're using here are often employed to suggest the passage of time, but I think we need something more here to indicate that a lot of time has passed rather than a few hours. Especially since the scene (knights practicing) is the same.

Overall, I think this is a strong intermediary chapter to carry us through Fell being found/agreeing to join the king and how he settles into that life. However, I feel like we're being rushed through it at the same time. I think there might be room to explore a moment within those "last few months" that is skipped in the page break. Maybe take a look at how Viska and Fell are interacting now that Fell has joined the knights. How is Fell's personality/outlook changing? How is his relationship with Viska changing? His relationship with the other knights?

I also feel a little cheated at the end of the chapter. I need to know more about why Viska is so emotional over not being able to find Fell (clearly he knows something that he isn't sharing with the reader, which he does a lot and is all well and good but this is something that we need to know as readers to understand the story). Also, I feel like I need to know more about that "Tekinsne" incident at the end, and what all that means (what it does, the significance of it, why Viska has never said it before, etc). Though, I am willing to let that one slide if we're going to be introduced to it in the very next chapter. So I am hopeful! But if not, we really need some more context there to move on.

Otherwise, I very much enjoyed this chapter! Thanks so much for sharing, and keep writing!

-Lauren-

User avatar
Rin321
Review
Rin321 wrote a review · Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:00 pm

Hello mephistophelesangel! CHRISSY321 here with a review!

*Happy Review Day!* :D

First off, this was a very unique story (or part of one) you have wrote! There are many things that are made up, to create this story you are making- making it One-of a Kind! That is good, and I like writers who go down their own path/genera! Ok, now I did not see much but there is one thing I would fix! (Sorry @Dracula if I unintentionally copy you! I want to fix the same miststake!)

The first sentence that you start with:

" From atop the Southern Castle’s roof, Viska looked on at a boy. "

I agree that if this are taking place at the moment, or re-living the memory, it should be 'the boy'
instead of 'a boy'. It makes more sense that way, and just keeps the whole thing on the same page!

Overall this was an okay story! Very cool how you made it your own, and turned it into something big! I greatly encourage you to keep writing! :D :D

User avatar
Dracula
Review

Hello, mephistophelesangel (that was a lot to type) and Happy Review Day! :D

From atop the Southern Castle’s roof, Viska looked on at a boy.
You wrote 'a' boy, but it' a certain boy your character is looking at, so it should say 'the'.

Pressing down on his rage carefully, Viska took a deep breath. “‘And the bird cries into the heavens, cursing its broken wings. Shall its eyes forever bleed tears. Yet the throes of life will loosen when light leaves. May freedom embrace the song of the dead bird,’” he recited.
Is this a prophecy, spell, poem? I haven't read the other chapters, and I'd probably understand this if I had read them. However, it's still good to describe what it actually is he's saying, to refresh the reader's memory. Also, earlier on, you mention that he doesn't watch 'his' wind. So did your character create the wind himself?

Those are the only things I found which need editing. It's a pretty cool fantasy world you've got here. I certainly hope you continue this story.



Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly