z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Coda - Prologue

by mephistophelesangel


A coil of heat writhed inside Leed as he struck blow after blow. It was something that had been bred from war, sprouted from the boiling blood that watered the ground, and fed with the roar of all the animals crashing together on the field.

Drops of sweat seeped into his eyes, blurring his vision painfully. Again, his horse screamed beneath him, its muscles straining with the brute strength of the black beast. Tightening his thighs around the horse, Leed brought down his sword in an arc which took with it the life of a soldier. Blood splattered onto his face, and he could finally release a heated breath.

The soldiers of Uxoel were tangled with the opposing army that held fluttering signs of Ichel high above their heads. As Leed cursed and urged his horse forward into yet another group of soldiers, his sword glinted silver in the light of the sun. The graceful stretch of blade shared a rhythm with the thing that thumped violently in his chest. Blood rolled along the sword and wetted the grass even more.

As the soldiers from Ichel swarmed Leed, he quickly came to a realization that being on horseback would only urge him into standing at attention. With no hesitation, he flung himself off of his horse just as a blade cut into its forelegs. The horse released a sound of death and crumpled behind him. Ignoring the cold air of lifelessness that had been poured over him, Leed raised his sword then leapt onto a soldier, ending his life.

When his vision opened up more with the deaths of the opponents around him, he whipped his head up and saw a knight approaching him atop a cold-eyed horse. The knight’s amber eyes were smoldering with the fire of a man who had tasted blood, and Leed glared back, his mouth opening to yell furiously.

The knight’s brown horse didn’t stop in its fast approach, and Leed had enough time to realize that his opponent was one of the Ten Knights of Ichel, the harsh men trained brutally from birth.

As the knight stormed toward Leed, the soldiers quickly jumped aside to part a way. White foam flew from the brown horse’s mouth. Leed tightened his fingers around the hilt of his sword, and shifted to the side when he saw the first strike coming to meet him.

It was a precise, deadly blow, full of malice yet control. Silently breathing with glee, Leed danced along the other sword, pushing away the full impact before it could reach his bones. The knight with amber eyes jumped off of his horse. Before he could regain his balance completely, Leed sliced down to his neck.

The flurry of two silver blades began as soon as the knight came up to meet Leed’s sword. Leed’s eyes narrowed, his white hair flying around his face and into his eyes. He could feel hot sweat wetting his back.

Once, the other knight gained advantage and kicked Leed onto the ground. Growling, Leed scrambled away from a stab and managed to pull himself onto his feet. Then he plunged into another round of exchanged strikes, trembles from each blow traveling down his arms.

He only noticed that his back was now facing a cliff, a long drop to the sea, when he saw a glint of victory inside the opposing knight’s eyes. The amber orbs were brightened with victory and longing to spill the blood of the Third Knight, and Leed abruptly recalled a name.

He was fighting Linjay Visis, the only knight who was said to be at equal match to the First Knight of Uxoel’s bloodlust.

Clenching his teeth, Leed now struggled to put all that he had into his strikes. His sword howled along with him, ringing with a challenge to separate its opponent’s head from his body. It seemed as if a century had passed when Linjay began to take more steps back than forward. With each breath that he took setting fire to his lungs, Leed grinned and raised the tip of his blade for what he thought would be the final blow.

And his whole world swayed. There was a dull pain blooming from his side, spreading all around his body like blood released into clear water. When he blinked next, he knew that his back was thudding heavily against the ground, the force making him choke, and Linjay was driving something like ice into his side.

Crimson spread in front of Leed’s eyes. He coughed violently, and couldn’t resist when Linjay tugged him up forcefully. The sound of war faded away from him, which he scrambled for blindly.

With his head spinning with the howling winds, Leed faintly felt himself being thrown over the cliff’s edge, down into the rocks and sea.

The only thing he could hear was his sword screaming as it broke. The severed bond turned into a thousand blades and tore viciously into Leed’s chest. And the ringing of the sword forever shattering, he imagined, would stay with him for years and decades and centuries, breaking on a rock under a cliff. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

Donate
Fri Sep 04, 2015 2:34 pm
View Likes
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review! I’m not sure if I’ve ever read, let alone reviewed any of your work before… hmm. Bad steam. *slaps self* OK… I’ll stop rambling and get straight into it.

You’ve got excellent and vivid descriptions here, which is fantastic, and you write action scenes well. It’s probably the right length for a prologue, in my opinion at least, and it makes me want to find out what happens next.

However, I’m not so sure about your style. Sometimes, just sometimes, it’s a little hard for the reader to understand what’s going on. Maybe try to be a little less literary and tweak some of your sentences so they read better. Just a couple of examples down below:

fed with the roar of all the animals crashing together on the field


I was wondering what you meant by “the animals” and whether this has more than one meaning. At first, I thought you just meant the horses, but now I wonder if you’re likening the warriors to animals… hmm, yes. I like that, actually.

As the soldiers from Ichel swarmed Leed, he quickly came to a realization that being on horseback would only urge him into standing at attention.


I was slightly puzzled by this. What do you mean by “standing at attention”? Surely you can’t stand on a horse… I know this is some kind of figure of speech but it doesn’t really make sense. I’d personally change it so the meaning is clearer to your readers.

With his head spinning with the howling winds, Leed faintly felt himself being thrown over the cliff’s edge, down into the rocks and sea.
The only thing he could hear was his sword screaming as it broke. The severed bond turned into a thousand blades and tore viciously into Leed’s chest. And the ringing of the sword forever shattering, he imagined, would stay with him for years and decades and centuries, breaking on a rock under a cliff.


Erm, I’m kind of confused about this. The ringing of the sword would stay with Leed forever? But Leed has just been wounded and thrown off a cliff, and since the reader hasn’t been given any clues that he’s immortal or invulnerable, he’s probably got only seconds to live. Maybe re-phrase this? Or have I missed something? Eek!

Anyway, apart from a few places here and there where the language wasn’t always completely understandable (I think if you were to read it out loud to yourself or to someone else you’ll probably be able to work out where things need re-wording) I liked it. I think there should possibly have been a violence warning of some kind, but it was great and a little George RR Martin-y. I’d love to read more, so yes *shuffles off to read the next chapter*






Thank you for your review! Haha, this work is so old that I never expected to get a review on it. I will, of course, consider all the points you pointed out. This review was great. Thank you again!

Mephis



User avatar
624 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Donate
Sun May 31, 2015 11:54 pm
View Likes
Casanova wrote a review...



Okay,HELLO! Ryu-Matt-Southbound-Cevenost here for a review.
Okay, I have to say that this was really good, just a tad bit long for a prologue, but I like that part of it. It's Unique! The characters, the places, everything is wrote and spelled just perfectly! You use correct grammar, no run on sentences, no misspelled words, it all is just seemingly perfect! The story line is amazing. I'm going to start to follow you and see where this story goes. I mean this was really, really good and I can not wait to see where you take this story. I hope that you continue to write, and that you continue to post in this group.
In conclusion, you are a really, really good writer. I would say that if you continue on this path, that you could MAYBE, and I mean MAYBE get a publishing deal, in my honest opinion I feel that it is that good. I haven't read anything this good and original in a while, and it is refreshing to know that people still have this ability now a days, when most people I've seen would rather play games and listen to rap. But, I will keep and eye out and hope I see more of your work around here!
Sincerely,
Ryu-Matt-Southbound-Cevenost




User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 924
Reviews: 5

Donate
Tue May 05, 2015 3:34 pm
View Likes
TheGambit wrote a review...



Thus was a nice story. I really enjoyed the action in it. I do suggest that you maybe use a little more detail within the action because some scenes, I thought might be somewhat difficult to follow for some people. Other than that, I was really hooked when reading this, especially since I'm a big fan of fantasy and the action within them. I definitely will read more. Good work, keep it up




User avatar
216 Reviews


Points: 10184
Reviews: 216

Donate
Sun May 03, 2015 7:22 pm
kevin25a wrote a review...



That was a bit long for a prologue, but was really good. I look forward to your story and would love a notification when you publish the next chapter. So he blinked and got killed or nearly killed for it. Although he was obviously heavily out matched, Leed should have known that. Fighting an enemy that much stronger and or better than you is suicidal to attempt alone. The only way to win is a strategic retreat until you can out number and surround an enemy like that. There is no honor is dying an idiot, or a fight you know you can't win.






Thank you for liking my story! And the next chapter is up in the moment, since you wanted to know. (I'm a bit confused about the part where you mention the 'blinking'... Could you improvise on that? Thank you so much!) :)

Mephis



kevin25a says...


Leed blinked and got stabbed and kicked off a cliff.





Ohh, alright, now I see what you're saying.




Your hesitation suggests you are trying to protect my feelings. However, since I have none, I would prefer you to be honest. An artist's growth depends upon accurate feedback.
— LCDR Data