Hello, steampowered here for a review! I’m not sure if I’ve ever read, let alone reviewed any of your work before… hmm. Bad steam. *slaps self* OK… I’ll stop rambling and get straight into it.
You’ve got excellent and vivid descriptions here, which is fantastic, and you write action scenes well. It’s probably the right length for a prologue, in my opinion at least, and it makes me want to find out what happens next.
However, I’m not so sure about your style. Sometimes, just sometimes, it’s a little hard for the reader to understand what’s going on. Maybe try to be a little less literary and tweak some of your sentences so they read better. Just a couple of examples down below:
fed with the roar of all the animals crashing together on the field
I was wondering what you meant by “the animals” and whether this has more than one meaning. At first, I thought you just meant the horses, but now I wonder if you’re likening the warriors to animals… hmm, yes. I like that, actually.
As the soldiers from Ichel swarmed Leed, he quickly came to a realization that being on horseback would only urge him into standing at attention.
I was slightly puzzled by this. What do you mean by “standing at attention”? Surely you can’t stand on a horse… I know this is some kind of figure of speech but it doesn’t really make sense. I’d personally change it so the meaning is clearer to your readers.
With his head spinning with the howling winds, Leed faintly felt himself being thrown over the cliff’s edge, down into the rocks and sea.
The only thing he could hear was his sword screaming as it broke. The severed bond turned into a thousand blades and tore viciously into Leed’s chest. And the ringing of the sword forever shattering, he imagined, would stay with him for years and decades and centuries, breaking on a rock under a cliff.
Erm, I’m kind of confused about this. The ringing of the sword would stay with Leed forever? But Leed has just been wounded and thrown off a cliff, and since the reader hasn’t been given any clues that he’s immortal or invulnerable, he’s probably got only seconds to live. Maybe re-phrase this? Or have I missed something? Eek!
Anyway, apart from a few places here and there where the language wasn’t always completely understandable (I think if you were to read it out loud to yourself or to someone else you’ll probably be able to work out where things need re-wording) I liked it. I think there should possibly have been a violence warning of some kind, but it was great and a little George RR Martin-y. I’d love to read more, so yes *shuffles off to read the next chapter*
Points: 455
Reviews: 359
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