Young Writers Society

Hi Melvin,

What I like most about this poem is that it's focused. It stays on topic and flows well. As Grin mentioned above, it is intense. I like intense poetry. However you have to let the emotions show through more in this poem. In the beginning it seemed more like an journalistic article put into stanzas. I think you should focus on the emotional side of this. Delve deep into your own emotions, your feelings regarding this event and write with passion, whether it be hatred, grief, remorse, or anger. That will give the poem the spark it lacks right now. The last few stanzas were my favorite as you managed to make me, as a reader feel and care more about the victims mentioned in your poem. There was more emotion in the later stanzas. Keep that up.

Good luck!

I agree with the other posts this could have had so much more emotion. I felt like you were just telling us what happened instead of describing what was going on. I want to know if the smell of blood hung in the air or if people were shouting or screaming in rage or sadness you don't tell that only the facts. Put more description in it and it will be a lot more emotion in the piece. Good luck

~peanut~

Hey Melvin,

I reinforce Grif's point about this poem seeming detached. There's not enough in this to make us sympathize with the victims of all of this. I think that in order to remedy this you can use more imagery, break down the formality of your speech a few notches and perhaps not speak in such a distant-observer voice. Perhaps imagine if you had been on the streets at the time. What might have that been like?

In addition, try not to rhyme so much! Rhyming can be good sometimes, but don't do it so outwardly; it restricts creativity a lot; there's little to appreciate here.

June

Hi, I'm Grin.

This is nothing like my usual forte, and, as always, I have my nitpicks, but there were things about it that I really liked.

First of all, the way it doesn't rhyme. Too many poets these days are focused on rhyming and forget about the story they're telling, and the rhythm of it. Your topic is very intense, which might make people a little nervous or upset, but you're obviously not shying away from it and it really helps your style.

However, this still needs a lot of work. When you write something about such a sensitive topic, you need to make sure you're letting your emotions show through. You're saying things like "What a pity" in a way that a reader might see as sarcastic. Now, I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but if that's how it comes across you need to do a lot of work to get this right.

Your problem seems to be that you're just putting the facts down in verse. What poetry is really about is putting emotions into words, and showing your reader how you feel.

This needs work, but you have the makings of something here, so it's worth giving it some more time and effort.

Hope that helped.
~Grin

Hi, I'm Grif.

This piece has a pretty gritty topic, a massacre. There are a lot of emotions that can come from a massacre; such as anger, outrage, sorrow, and shame. You mention them all in some way, but somehow this piece manages to fall flat.

The tone, for one, seems very detached, until the end when the narrator is praying to God. These prayers seem insincere though, since there was no outrage and emotion visible in the earlier parts of the poem.

Phrases like "What a pity," and "What a nightmare for the Filipinos" make it detached, since it isn't your problem, but someone elses problem. This is in deep contrast to the cursing done later. This dual identity of the narrator, as an impartial observer and a horrified observer, causes the entire poem to fall flat.

I do like that they are damned, but it is too little to be satisfying.