THE BEST THING IN THIS WORLD
Melvin D. Banggollay
As an artist, I wanted to paint the best thing
That everyone treasured so much to see
Like the sunrise with all its beauty shining
But as I was about to finish, I came to see
the sunset in its grandeur was the best thing
so I had to erase and start a new one again;
but when the solemn night fells, It blinked
this was the best to paint with all its mystery
until I am tired, confused what was the best to see.
So I had to embark in a long days journey
To find out from people the best thing they had seen;
On my way I met a newly wed couple so happy
And I asked , what’s the best thing could be.
With joyful smile, they said, Love, as you can see
For it binded us together into a perfect harmony
But then I don’t know how to paint that love they'd see
So I had to continue my travel seeking the mystery.
When I took a rest being truly tired and weary
From walking and running alone asking anybody
"What’s the best thing in this world could be"? ,
I met a soldier fresh from a combat spree
And answered me right, PEACE for tranquility
Of your mind, soul and even your own body
Even you’ll ask other soldiers tired like me
from all the wars and violence against humanity.
But then again I don’t now how to paint perfectly
The peace he said to me out of his tranquility.
So I had to walk again until I met on my way
A group of athletes who just won in a game recently
That they all participated with all joy and glee
And they all said, COOPERATION as you see
Without it ,no teamwork to put us to victory
But so sad, I can’t paint what they said to me.
Being so tired, I decided to go home sadly
But as soon as I was about to enter my territory,
I met a priest who said “ you look so sad and weary
What bothered you so much,, share it to me
So I said to him my heart’s desire to see
Then he smiled and said without hesitancy
Son, that is so simple, FAITH is the answer
For with it, any burden will be out forever
As the Lord will forgive you and make life happier
With the grace and mercy of the Holy Father
But then again, I don’t know how faith looks
So how could I paint that in my big book.
When I was near our home, I behold my kids
Running towards me with faith in their eyes
As they embraced me with their warm kisses;
Deep inside I begun to unveil the emptiness
As I begun to realized the answer to my quest.
Then my wife came and embrace me so sweet
And I feel the love she had for me in her breast.
When I was resting, my kids did their best
To clean and do the chores with all ease
As they helped their mother clean all the mess
Which reminded me of the athletes guest..
As I behold my family, helping each other
With sweet smiles and joy in their laughter’s
I felt great tranquility deep in my heart
Until I felt asleep upon my wife embrace
Ahh there was no other best thing on to paint
If not my own happy family always there for me.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
It takes skill to tell such a long story and still hold the readers attention.This one was interesting right till the end.
The flow seems a little out of place and perhaps the last few lines could be worked out, but thats all there is to it.
Keep up the good work.
a more poetic version would be "So i had to erase and start anew" but it's just me
"fell"
connect your sentences. "until i am tired, confused at what was the best to see."
not "in" but "on"
remove "'s"
past tense for binded is "bound". if you tried to imply that it was the couple who spoke, put quotations and indicate that it was them who said it like this:
better grammar if done like:
remove "'d". They'd = They would. if you're trying to use "don't" then remove "then". Then is used for future tenses. it should turn out like this [but I don't know how to paint the love they see[/b]
I'm not correcting this because it seems that you wrote this on purpose. but the proper way of saying it is "What could be the best thing in this world?"
please indicate that the soldier is the one talking. put quotations.
this little sentence ruined your rhythm. one little thing can destroy the whole poem. Fits better if done like so: putting "just" and "recently" together is redundant.
best line i've seen here.
and
"began". Begun is used only if it is in progressive form. you used it in past tense.
"embraced"
"felt". if you insist on using "feel", then use "has" instead of "had". work on your tenses.
"laughters" laughter's = possessive. Plural of laughter is laughters. Just add s
"wife's"
Okay so here's my verdict:
1. You NEED to work on your grammar and language fluency.
2. Work on your tenses. Decide if it's in past, present, or in future tense. "did, do, will do".
3. Work on your apostrophes and possessive nouns. Loves is not Love's
4. Use words according to their proper usage. You have the dictionary, the thesaurus, and even the internet to help you with that.
5. Try separating your stanzas with each new topic. Some stanzas are too long because they talk about multiple topics already. For example, you could've separated the soldier and the athletes.
OVERALL: This is a really nice work. But if you somehow polish your English proficiency, this will be a lot better.