ANGLES OF FATE
Melvin Banggollay
Each one has their own fate
as destiny's will may dictate
but often, many of us believed
We make our fate as we lived.
Some may have an obtuse angles
where one can turn his fate in circles
at a degree clear of many obstacles
but sometimes we're still confused
for the more options, more to difuse
only to pick the right options to focus.
Others may have seen acute angles
with too little room to play and gumble
game of life entwined with obstacles
making our visions limitted and narrow
hampering us to move for tommorrow
as trials anchored our fate with sorrow.
Yet many behold life in right angles
as they tried to meet every obstacles
with right attitude to play or gumble;
whatever that may touch one's shadow;
Whatever that may kiss one's meadow;
be it rain with laughters or sorrow;
be it shining with lot of pain or miracles,
bellowing with smiles and gifts in circles,
yet, keep holding on with faith and hope
that behind, fate may take the right slope
to open life with smiles of joy and hope
and not tied with a long rope of dope.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, Melvin! Welcome to YWS! I am June, and I'm going to review this for you.
Oftentimes, I say to people to disregard rhyme when writing a poem. It's a common misconception that rhyme makes a poem, when, in reality, a poem is what you make it. A lot of times, rhyme restricts a poem, because you have to focus on making that last line rhyme with the previous one.
Don't restrict yourself. Let your poem speak for itself.
Let the words flow; later on you can trim them and add rhyme. Most of the time, as shown in your poem here, meter is disrupted for the sake of rhyme, and you shouldn't. Try to make your word choice a bit more interesting, dear, because often times in poetry, you need to make a distinguishable difference between story telling voice and poetic voice. If they all sound the same, what's the point?
Good luck, Melvin. Welcome aboard!
June
remove "an"
correct spelling is defuse. i think it sounds better if you add "the" before "more to defuse"
hmmm...the word "focus" is not really the right word to rhyme with "confused" and "defuse". The way you prounounce "focus" is a lot slower compared to the 2 previous words.
call me an idiot here, but please tell me what "gumble" means. the closest words i could think of near "gumble" are grumble and gamble. I find gumble a totally new word. please define.
vision, if talking about our eyes, is considered plural already. visions = what we would like to see in the future. you're probably speaking of the former. and correct spelling is "limited".
it's "with THE right attitude". sounds alot better. it would've been fine if you removed "right", but having an adjective before a noun, "the" is necessary. and "gumble"
either "a lot of pain" or "lots of pain"
LOL dope. so this poem's about avoiding marijuana?
I generally corrected spelling and grammar. We have our own ways, but we don't want to look illiterate when it comes to fluency of the language used. I could understand English is not your primary language, but please try to use the internet to know the proper spellings and words to use. I am very confused at "gumble". I tried google and it doesn't show anything save for a company name.
thank you and good game