My heart goes out in the middle of the night,
Excitingly searching for the last surge of light.
Tiptoeing through out the cold-carpeted earth,
Barefooted and jaded, just ignoring the hurt.
My eyes seeks in every corner of the street,
Engaging mindlessly under the sunlight heat.
My sight is fixed somewhere, past everyone’s shoulder,
At the same time trapped in the present, always here to wonder.
My dreams created a world appropriate for me,
I don’t want to wake up, spend my time here for eternity.
Little by little, burying me into deep slumber,
Leaving my unpainted canvass as I lie asleep forever.
My heart died once only to beat with yours as one.
My eyes were blinded so I could look directly into the sun.
My dreams were shattered so I may have reality with you.
My hands were crippled so I can just whisper “I love you.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
I love it, its very moving and beautiful.
hi ..... i'm new to YWS..... and about ur poem..... well.... the rhythm was really good.... and i liked the mood of the poetry ..... at first i thought your searching for happiness and the last stanza cleared the concept a lot..... but i feel the clarity is missing.... anyway it was great.... the title actually pulls readers..... i liked ur title very much.... keep writing...... bcos as we all know a drop of ink make a million think..... good luck to u ....
wow, thank you so much for that comment..^^,
i never thought that it would be liked..^^,
Hi there! I really liked this one and the rhyming was phenomenal!
Though it seemed to me at this part:
It seemed like it needed a comma in between "out" and "in" (or maybe that's just me)
I liked how you created a sort of a deep mood, a bit dark, but it was interesting. It added nicely to your words. I found this poem quite satisfying
Your words have an amazing rhythm.
Though the title has the word solitude we know that the first 3 lines are not about solitude, but staying alone to remember someone.You can't make out much in the first 3 stanzas but the last stanza clears everything and also ends very well
Good job
hi, appreciate your comments a lot, thank you for the criticism..
I'm not good with titles, it's always a problem to me..
thank you!
this here made me think that your piece is about your heart and how it wonders the vast emptiness of its world. It's just me though.
I totally get the way you wanted it to rhyme, but the word "hurt" felt forced.
Okay, I guess I thought the title suggested what time this happened, but seeing the sun at midnight totally surprised me. What I'm trying to say is that the reader may expect (almost 100%) that the poem will be about something that went on at midnight. A change in title? or maybe you didn't define "midnight" literally, as I have done so. Please explain to me why the sun is seen at midnight, it has to be a metaphor (and i have my own interpretations) but I want it to come from you.
This totally contradicted this how? well because "burying me into deep slumber" means you just started sleeping, and people who just start sleeping don't usually dream first. I think it's a case of wrong placement. Try putting the "My dreams...eternity" after the "Little by little...forever" line. It should make it more sensible and easier to understand.
To be honest, this could've ended better with the line "I don't want to wake up, spend my time here for eternity".
These lines are unnecessary, rather it seemed too "different" or unique compared to the other lines.
I mean, it started with you being alone. It talked about you being alone. Then one tiny portion of it talked about being with someone else. If I were to put a thought into it, I'd say you wanted to tell the reader how you sacrificed everything for one person, despite the pleasures they brought you.
But as I said, it could've ended better without the last 4 lines. I think the last 4 lines would've been a nice addition had you hinted that the poem is totally not about yourself.