You are the moon
That pulls my wave collectively.
Towards your beaming beauty,
I lay my restless soul.
Let me loose myself for you,
even if it's just for one,
beautiful, transcendent moment.
What did pain matter?
I just don't want to miss your light.
Call me crazy, call me blind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
hey there..im so glad that you crticized my work, just what i badly needed..
thank you for the advices and thank you for giving me a direct and constructive criticism..
Godbless!
Hey there, Mel_!
I like short and simple poems. In fact, I like poems that are done well. They can be short, or they can be longer – the most important thing for me is that they make me feel something. You were going in the right direction, but I wasn't impressed enough just yet. But this wasn't a hopeless case or anything like that, haha. I don't know how much it comforts you right now, but I'm certain that you can do better if you just keep writing. You're already on the way.
Now, with poems – and especially short poems – it's extremely important to make every word matter. At least, that's how I feel. Every word should be something that can't be replaced with another, so people can't just write poetry with a "whatever" attitude. I'm not saying you had that kind of attitude, but I did have a feeling that everything about this poem wasn't necessarily as carefully considered as it could have been.
I didn't like very much the fact that you used an adverb here – I've been told to avoid them myself, so now whenever I see one I somewhat cringe.
Since the previous stanza consisted of two sentences in four lines, to me this one sentence in three lines seemed too packed. It sounds ridiculous when I say it like this, but I noticed it when I was reading this out loud. I also felt like the poem ended a bit too abruptly, so maybe you coudl try expanding it. It's a good sign if I want to read more
Hope this helped!
Demeter
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