Published December 25, 2009
The sound of Your voice,
Is just above all noise.
It demands urgency,
And a sense of intimacy.
The miracle of Your touch,
Is just amazing to watch.
Millions of people had called out,
You send rain in every drought.
The greatness of Your sacrifice,
Is cannot be surpassed by any amount of price.
You sent Your Son to set men free,
Though unworthy, You clothed me with Your glory.
The power of Your love,
The promises that soon I'll have,
Jesus, to be next to You is my desired place.
All of this Lord, because of Your grace.
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Hey Mel!
But even then, it seems a bit strange. So tweak that a bit and make it make a little more sense!
Nice poem! I agree with all of empress's edits... that will help trim the poem and make it more readable without deleting any of the content... always a good thing!
There's only one part that I don't quite like:
Millions of people had called out,
You send rain in every drought.
You talked about His touch previously, but this is about how He listens... so it doesn't really go together in that way. And then, the last line with the drought seems random too... did the people ask for rain? I like to think that they asked for more than the rain.
Otherwise, this is pretty awesome.
Very pretty. =D Not bad, but I feel there's quite a bit lacking. I'm worried about the forced rhyming that seems to have come out a lot here. One some lines, it's clear you wanted to say more but the fact that you've limited yourself to the AABB rhyme scheme on all stanzas prevents you from developing the poem. That's not necessarily bad, since you don't want to be ranting, but it does mean that unless you discipline yourself you'll get lines like this springing out:
Besides this not really make much sense (should 'is' be 'it'?) you've extended the second line much beyond the first. Besides it looking jarred, it's clear that the rhyme scheme controls you and not the other way around. You present a problem that a lot of poets face - saying a lot in a little. Unlike prose, you can't waffle on endlessly and hope people won't notice (you shouldn't do that in prose anyway, but that's another story) and so you need to trim down and use less bulky phrases. It's also a chance to use more exciting words and structures. But before you whip out your thesaurus, could you not rewrite it as 'cannot be bought'?
But then that puts the length out of line with the rest of poem, and doesn't fit in with the rhyme. Rhyming is surprisingly difficult to accomplish successfully, so first I'd suggest writing free-verse for a while.
That said, there's a not a great deal of meaningful content in this poem. It's preachy. Not a great deal amount of substance. Religion has been written about, as has a rant to Jesus about how awesome he is. But what you need to do as a poet - and this is crucial - is to look at things in a different light, make the reader consider him or herself and draw an aspects that are rarely covered. Originality would put you already in the top band of poetry. You've clearly got a good start on imagery here (I particularly enjoyed 'and a sense of intimacy'), but let's cut the rope. Let yourself go, and then worry about constricting what you're saying.
So! I hope I've helped.
Best
Blinky
Great job!
I fixed a few things above, to help with rhythm and clarity and all that.
It's a sweet poem about Jesus; and I feel it really gives off the impression of faith without being preachy or hokey.
Great job
The Universe
HI. That's a great poem I must say! Apart from the already-highlighted grammatical errors
, which I think you should correct, It's a great poem. Thanks
Thats a lovely poem for a day like this.
Stanza 3 line 2 should not start with "Is" its grammatically incorrect. Also in the poem you made use of both singular and plural terms try and make it singular in refrence to yourself or any reader.