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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well first I must apologize, I don't speak this language so I did a little bit of vodoo magic to get this translated into English. Like alliyah, really would appreciate a translation since this is primarily an English site. So apologies if I have misinterpreted anything, this is all off of Google translate.
Now I can't give a line by line breakdown like usual since its an image but I will give you my thoughts on the story as a whole. For starters I think its a great message. Learning not to overwork yourself in pursuit of wealth and knowing that health must be prioritized in order to have a successful life. I really like the way you set it up as this person being a very educated on who was always quite a good hardworking student growing up and they did the same once accepted into working but of course they learn a valuable lesson at that point.
Its a simply story with a simple goal but I think through this loving family you really bring across some great values here that I think definitely do stick with us readers. So great job there!
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hi @melaniemarfe20 welcome to YWS! Congratulations on posting your first story here!
A few notes on format -
You may find on YWS, since primarily the site operates in English, it can be hard to find readers without a translation provided into English - though I understand in some ways that changes the intended meaning of the work. Also to make it easier on readers / reviews, I'd suggest posting the work as text rather than as photo/scan so that readers can easily copy + paste to reference in their reviews. I believe this work is written in Fillipino? I used Google Translate Lens to read your short story - so may have encountered some differences or errors as I was reading, but will give my best effort to review your work!
I really liked the length of this, in that you could get an entire story and a bit of characterization without the length feeling heavy or too short. Something you could have spent a tad more on is the dynamics of the family member's relationships - without describing it outright, maybe a table scene of them eating the bread or something to show how they relate / love one another would be nice and make the readers more empathetic to their situation too.
The story seemed to be written in an almost parable form to prove the saying "health is real wealth" and you did a great job proving just that with your story. The repetition of that specific phrase also made it clear what the intended meaning was.
Finally, I am glad this had a happy ending as that made the story feel like a cheerful take-away instead of leaving a bitter point at the end. It could have easily ended in a death or major health burden, but it seems like the characters learned their lesson that overworking can cause more harm than good if we prioritize work over our basic health.
Overall, an enjoyable parable-like / fable story - I would encourage you to play around a bit more with the character interactions to create an even richer scene to connect with readers. Also on YWS you may find it helpful to post a translation so that readers unfamiliar with the language it is presented in, can take away your intended meaning a bit better.
Thank you for posting! Enjoy your day!
alliyah