Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » General

12+

Shine

by mel0


Scrub, scrub, scrub the floor. Make it sparkle. Make it beam. Kneel on the floor, wash the tiles. Use the rag. Soak it up. Use the brush. Clean the cracks. Use the sponge. Get rid of the spot. Quick. Go quick. Before they come, before they notice. Faster. Go faster. Before it smells, before it stains. Scrub, scrub, scrub. No! No, there is still some! Pour more bleach. Make it shine. There should be no trace of dirt or dust. No trace of anything at all. Ah! Finally. Clean. Shiny. Spotless. No one will know. Now, deal with the body. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
28 Reviews


Points: 629
Reviews: 28

Donate
Fri Nov 29, 2019 1:01 am
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



Goodness that was quite a plot twist at the end! I really like it, it was so short and clean. The 100 word limit is tough, but you created something lovely out of it. My only critique is that you could use more comas. Like when you said scrub scrub scrub. Use commas. Scrub, scrub, scrub the floor. Otherwise it was perfect!




User avatar
150 Reviews


Points: 12425
Reviews: 150

Donate
Fri Nov 15, 2019 3:59 am
View Likes
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey there mel0! Katja here to review your short story. As always please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful. With that being said, let's get into the review~

Overall Thoughts

Following a prompt- especially one that limits the number of words you can write, can be difficult to tackle. I applaud you for picking a prompt like that!

Overall I think you did very well. In only 100 words you were able to create suspense and also complete the story as a whole without leaving readers wondering what the heck happened. Nicely done!

The story itself starts off as someone cleaning a floor... almost obsessively so. The "scrub, scrub, scrub" step by step "soak it up, use the brush" etc read as internal dialogue of the person in the story.. Like they were thinking this to themselves. So, initially, I thought the story was about a form of OCD~ As the story comes to a close, it is revealed the person is cleaning the floor of what may be blood since immediately after they are happy with their clean up and move onto dealing with the body. I actually laughed a little when it ended because *maybe* it should've been more obvious to me, but it wasn't and I thought it was slightly comedic in a way~

I like your short a lot, I think it takes skill to achieve suspense in 100 words and also to create a finished plot in so few words. Well done!

Suggestions

My only two suggestions were for commas... I *believe* these areas need commas due to the repetition- any comma experts out there please feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken.

Scrub, scrub, scrub the floor.



Scrub, scrub, scrub.


That's all I have for suggestions!

Summary

Overall I love this short... The repetition and the dialogue-like narrative builds suspense and makes for a cool 100-word story. Nicely done! I hope my review was helpful,

Keep Writing,

~Katja




mel0 says...


Thank you! I am bad with commas but I believe you are right. I added those so thank you for pointing those out!



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 1454
Reviews: 25

Donate
Fri Nov 15, 2019 3:30 am
View Likes
Stellarjay says...



Hey mel0,
I think you achieved the "story in a 100 words"! It was very quick (obviously) and you created a very clear picture. The short sentences and rhythmic wording made it more of a poem than a story. Either way it was really nice! I feel like a little more context would be nice, you kind of dropped a bomb with the last sentence. If you began with something related to the body, then in the middle you do the cleaning part and end with the body again, it would lessen the explosion. (If you wanted to drop the bomb, than you can disregard my advise) (:

-Stellarjay




User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 1454
Reviews: 25

Donate
Fri Nov 15, 2019 3:30 am
Stellarjay wrote a review...







In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.
— Kathleen Norris