z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Melding - Chapter Two

by megsug


Edon Shor: The Voice, leader of elves: Easy to offend. Good ally to have though he expects anyone who agrees with him in one area to agree with him in every area. Strong in a debate. Carries around that ridiculous spirituality. His biggest weakness is his arrogance. With his great intelligence, he thinks having anyone help him is only going to slow him down. He is the only one who doesn’t have an advisor of some sort. Idiot. We have a meeting planned for this evening to see where we stand with each other during this debacle.

King (in Waiting) Belon Augnik, ruler of men: young and wasteful. Half of his camp is a harem of all things. Just got in today, being the last to arrive. I have not been able to observe the inner workings of his company as of yet. I assume that he will merely be a puppet to an army of bickering advisors. Though young Augnik (supposedly) called us together, I hardly expect the boy to offer anything of worth during this time.

The nymphs: I have watched their camp bordering on obsessively the two days I have been here. I know nothing of use. It worries me that the nymphs feel they need to involve themselves at all. They don’t come in these numbers for mere conflicts.

.

Her staff hit the ground with steady thumps muffled by the prickly grass as she made her way through camp, nodding every time a dwarf she passed murmured, “Golden,” gripping their right shoulder with their left hand until she was beyond them. It was slow going, being old and graceful. She could no longer rush through the tents, a purposeful look in her eye as her people fell back in admiration. She told herself she didn’t miss it.

She hadn’t lost her dwarves’ admiration even as her beauty faded and her agility slipped away. When she had slowly stopped training with her footmen there were no growls of discontent though the fear of such had pushed her to continue working her aching body even when the weight of a warrior’s staff made her arms tremble. She had many things to be thankful for.

“Maya!”

She didn’t turn. The Golden didn’t turn for anyone, but she could also hear the pounding of feet, not just one pair but several. She took a breath, held it for a moment, and slowly released it as she continued on her way. She only stopped when she could see her second youngest son in her peripheral. Scoffing a little, as he smirked at her, she completed their silent ritual with a small shrug before the rest of her sons surrounded her. She studied the five faces, all different, all beloved, and waited.

They were silent.

Huffing could be heard before her husband appeared, red faced, his round belly rising and falling with every gasp. She let him recover and open his mouth before cutting him off, her voice a whip, “Here, when we are a stone’s throw away from allies or enemies that need to respect me, I am only the Golden.” Her eyes never left her husband’s face as it returned to its normal ruddy pink. Setting her jaw, she revoked the affection that welled within her, knowing it would shine through her eyes.

He saw it anyway or at least saw the short struggle. She could tell by the small smile that twitched onto his lips before he looked down humbly. “Of course, my Golden. I apologize for the disrespect.” He glanced up, a question in his eyes. “You left without us.”

Sighing, she curled both hands around her staff. “Telin, Mordar, Vens, Lalkin, Nilda. You’re dismissed.” Waving forward as her sons quickly dispersed, she addressed her husband, “Relk, walk with me.” She continued forward, allowing him to take her arm. Again, she was quiet. The only sound between the old couple was the soft crunch of grass under their feet and the murmur of their people which neither of them really heard anymore, “Golden. Silver.”

Once upon a time, they would have strode past, a glorious pair, both ready to fight for one another and for their people, immortal deities for their people to bow to. Not so immortal. She studied the tent they walked past when once she would haven't had the time to give it a passing glance. The tent was long, with several doorways leading into different cells that acted as a sleeping place for one dwarf family. The red-orange dyed leather was of the finest quality, made of the hides from the newborn of the sun dwarves' flocks as an act of continued allegiance with the Golden. Gold thread illustrated myths. When there was no cloud cover or when there were torches and fires lit, the stories glittered and came to life. Her eyes wandered when they came to the end of the tent, and she wondered if she was going to have to study the next one too.

Relk let out an angry breath. “You know, this damned waiting is the worse part of being married to you, Maya.” His blonde hair was streaked with white, making it so the mane he was famous for dully gleamed in the sunlight when it had glowed in his youth. His dark gray eyes were adorned with crow’s feet. He was several stones heavier than he used to be or was good for him, and the years that he had survived seemed to have rested on the top of his head, driving him toward the ground. Maya remembered him being taller though he stood with the same proud stance she'd been charmed by in the beginning. Chin up, spine straight, shoulders back and never slouched, not even when exhaustion and worry were clear on his face.

“You make sure we never wait long, Silver.” She glanced at him as quiet fell again, smiling a little at beleaguered his sigh. She tugged his long beard affectionately and ran fingers through his hair. “You need to trim this. Braid your hair too as if we were going to attend a ceremony.” When she let him take her arm again, she slid her hand down to lock fingers with his, swinging their joined hands a little. “It is just that we can’t be too careful. You know this. It’s different from when we’re home. Surrounded by dwarves who love us, we can be partners. Surrounded by elf and man and nymph, I am in charge.” She squinted up at the disk of a sun veiled behind clouds as the elf camp came into view.

Detaching their hands, Relk nodded. “I hate this stuff. Since it had been so long since the last conflict, and this isn’t technically a meeting to resolve a conflict, I thought…” He stuffed his hands in his pockets, frowning down as he kicked at the grass. “You’re someone different when we have to deal with another race, Maya. I hate it.”

She took a few steps forward, frowning at what he said. “It has to be this way. I’m sorry.” She didn’t look back as she heard him walk away. She had to meet with Edon. Alone.


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Fri Jul 31, 2015 4:03 pm
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey there, meg! I'm actually here for that The Big Review review that's due :P Let's get started!

As Sharrae pointed out, it is quite interesting that you're switching point of views throughout this story, which I think is a good tactic. With this, you can give extra depth to one scenario that occurred or branch out the adventure from being just in one character's eyes. As I'm sure you're also aware, it would be wise to have longer chapters and parts with each character so give us time to bond with (or at least empathize with) each. But not too much to critique on there.

At this point in reading, I'm starting to wonder what the conflict is. While reading this, I didn't feel any urgency or any sort of unease, which I would expect. It feels peculiar as I don't even have a wisp of what it's about -- and considering Maya has pointed out Nymphs don't involve themselves in "mere conflicts" it seems large. So why doesn't it appear more pressing? It's not a bad thing to leave us in the dark for a while and coax us along with hopes of figuring out what's going on, but give us something.

Quick little nitpick thing ~

Her staff hit the ground with steady thumps muffled by the prickly grass as she made her way through camp, nodding every time a dwarf she passed murmured, “Golden,” gripping their right shoulder with their left hand until she was beyond them.


Sorry that this quote is so large, but this is only one sentence. It's really nice that you have varying sentence structures and lengths that knot together to create a great flow, but sometimes it goes on for too long. This sentence in particular has so many images strung together and it can be a lot to pack in to just one line and got lost while reading it. Breaking it up some may help -- along with other enormous sentences like this one.

I was a little confused through the exchange when the husband and sons appeared. First, the sons just seemed to be there and served no purpose that I could see. I do appreciate knowing that she has a family and not completely harsh -- which we also learn later on through the exchange with her husband -- however, it seems too extraneous. Second, the husband says the she left without them. Left them where? Where was she headed or where did they think she was headed? Has she come with her before? Third, the dialogue felt so disconnected, like what was said before was irrelevant to what was just said. First calling her name, but her response being she was "the only golden" (when was there mentioned there was a second?) Perhaps that area could be cleared up a little more.

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading through this, especially with Maya's stern tone. The way she observed the other leaders gave us good insight on her and how she just wants to "get down to business". I look forward to reading more from her ~

Once again, amazing chapter! Can't wait for more, and I hope I helped some. Let me know if I didn't make sense in a part so I can (hopefully) explain it better.

Keep Writing,
~Wolfe




megsug says...


Heyo~ Thanks for the great review.
Ahaha. Long sentences. The worst feature of my writing.
One note, the dialogue where you referenced "the only Golden" she actually says "I am only the Golden." I meant that in a public setting she should be referred to formally, but since you were confused I think I'll change it up anyways when I go in for a rewrite if I ever do. Tbh, I think this chappie is already in the scraps pile.
Everything else is spot on though. Introducing the main conflict >.> I should probably do that soon.



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Mon Jul 27, 2015 4:58 am
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ChimeraMania wrote a review...



Hmmm....don't have any negative comments toward this. It's well written, nothing jumped out as needing to be changed or correct, as far as my eyes could see.

Although, I'm starting to question who else's POV this is going to be in. I hope this wasn't just a one time thing, nor a filler. For some reason, though, I can't picture what her nor her husband looks like. Oh and maybe describe a dwarves or two. Hmmm.... At the top where you're describing the other people at the camp and how their 'leaders' are, maybe add the dwarves leader as well, that way when it starts in her POV, it's kind of a better transition. At least, if you want a transition. I rather you keep your flashbacks like in the first one. If you're changing POV's then try to handle that a little different (again, maybe with a transition). But like I said, it doesn't really need changing.

In the first chapter (if I recall correctly), I believe you described the tents belonging to the other 'campers', yet not the dwarves. So many finish describing that in this one. You could describe the woman in Edon's POV (if you're switching POVs like you are). AH, I went back to look at the first chapter. So the top part is also her POV, but again (with the whole transition and describing her at the top), it will still work. Maybe, it might be a little harder though. Okay so maybe just describer the dwarves and their tents in this chapter. I'll need to read the next one to suggest something else.

My thoughts, your work, I'm done. You better keep writing this shuggs and link me to the next one.

~Sharrae out, tottles





I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield