The Melding - Chapter One • Young Writers Society

The Melding - Chapter One

The room was freezing. Feet bare, I crept into my father’s chambers, closing the door behind me. Already, needles of cold were shooting through the soles of my feet. The once grand room was ruins now. The fireplace held long dead ashes. The bedclothes were strewn across the floor, mixed with garments of all kinds. Half of the portraits of beloved ancestors hung crooked on the walls, the other half fallen. The bedframe was broken, the mattress lying on it haphazardly, mostly unstuffed. Feathers had joined the menagerie on the floor since the last time I had dared enter the room, also flying through the air in the chilly gusts of wind coming from the window.

The room was dim with early dawn, and there, standing where a shattered window had once been, was my father, silhouetted by the sliver of sun over the horizon.

Realizing with hot embarrassment and shame tingling through me that he was completely nude despite the cold, I adverted my eyes, glancing up only briefly every now and again. He stood there, barely breathing, completely still and silent. It was the most peaceful I had seen him in a long time. “Da,” I whispered and winced when he jerked at my voice. His feet and hands were bloody where the ragged glass still in the frame had sliced his skin.

I felt the hollowness of exhaustion and grief devouring what used to be my organs.

“Son!” he shouted and leaned far out into nothing when his echo bounced off of the courtyard below him. “There’s no need to mock me,” he screamed in frustration. “Leave me alone, you honorless bastards!” His narrow shoulders heaved with a sudden sob, and he covered his face in his pain.

My heart lurched, for now nothing kept him on the window frame except his balance. I had to get him off for his safety and honor. Soon enough, servants would be about and would be able to look upon him if his shouts hadn’t already roused some of them. I couldn’t bear for such a thing to occur. My family had gone to great lengths to hide my father’s declining condition. I wouldn’t let his name be smeared by immoral maids who had nothing better to do than whisper and giggle about the king standing nude in his window.

Coming up behind him, I put a hand on his upper arm. “I’m behind yo-” I stumbled back when he whirled around, snarling. Scrambling away, I tripped on the litter and fell. I shielded my eyes, wishing to protect my father even if he no longer had the modesty to care.

“Son.”

There was a voice I hadn’t heard in months. Yes, it was weak and trembling, but it was lucid. I lowered my hand to look into clear eyes that were deep with sadness and dark with fear. “Oh, my son, my dear boy.”

“Da.” My voice wavered and was suddenly a child’s again.

“Call the races together.” He sounded tired. “Don’t let anyone touch my body.” He drew himself up and was the man I knew. I thought for a moment it wouldn’t be so bad if he jumped now, in his right mind, sparing himself the indecency of living life crazed.

I blinked, and he was screaming, with eyes like an animal’s. He broke off a piece of glass still sticking from the window. Blood dripped from his hand as he squeezed the shard. Scrambling back, I tried to find enough purchase to stand. He jumped just as I managed to get to my feet. He was able to stab me in the side as I was turning to flee, jerking his hand as I ran, so the glass broke off deep within me. The healer got all but the very tip out. She says it should cause no trouble.

Da was quietly moved to another room towards the middle of the castle. The room is large but dull with no windows. Mother and I decided we shouldn’t even risk having him in a room with a sky light. The last thing we need is our king to be running on the roof stark naked. I would hate to be there at night when the room would be completely dark until morning when his caretaker brought a candle.

We left one of Da’s advisors to take care of him as we head to Corun Nil, no man’s land as tradition of the first war between races stand. A place where countless alliances have been made only to be broken a generation later.

I am Belon Augnik. I believe I stand on what could be the precipice of the end. I go, as leader of man, on a quest to call my counterparts within the other races to action. I write this to remember and perhaps for another to find, so that these events will be remembered beyond myself. Long live Milor.

Corun Nil did not live up to expectations. The grass was brown and crunched under the horse’s hooves. The short stone buildings were decrepit since there had been no reason for anyone to come here except zealous scholars after the last treaty had been set, over a century and a half ago. The keepers of the ghost city merely stared, silent as the large party passed. Belon looked around, shifting in his saddle with nervous restlessness, ignoring the twinge of pain in his side, an echo of his da, telling him he was doing the right thing.

The inhabitants of Corun Nil were an ancient peoples who had no spoken language and were unbudging pacifists. Belon had expected the race that had stood so firm for countless conflicts, always refusing to take a side, to look nobler, but these beings were gray skinned creatures who reminded him of the golems his da’s magician had once made, heavy and slow.

Feeling awkward alone in the front, he straightened his shoulders. He was used to having his younger brothers to whisper jokes to. They would have mocked these bald creatures with wide unblinking fish eyes… Perhaps they were just too stupid to win a war, so they didn’t even try. Though it took some intelligence to realize and protect against a weakness. Imbeciles usually didn’t recognize their lack. Shaking his head, Belon stared forward, determined not to waste anymore thought on the unnervingly still race. He lived too much in his head these days. It was not how he liked to spend his time, thinking instead of doing. Now he was expected to talk instead of act.

A sigh caught in his throat, and his eyes started to burn. He looked up at the flat gray sky, remembering how he had stared at clouds as a boy and thought them painted onto the sky, so beautiful they couldn’t possibly be real. He had the uncanny feeling that he was part the painting too. None of this was real.

Just as the thought had passed, the wind kicked up, blowing his cloak out behind him, and he reached the top of the hill that was traditionally the end of Corun Nil. Sprawling below him, were three other camps, bustling with morning duties. He was the one to call the races together, and he was the last to arrive. That couldn’t look good. His eyes were still bright with the bite of tears, but he blinked them away, brushing all feeling but calm determination out as well.

If this was a painting, Belon would make it so he was not a subject to be pitied. He started down the hill, head held high. He was making his own legend now.

There were three obvious camps, and an empty place for his own party. One was made up of several tall wide tents that seemed to be made of bark. A few beings roamed between tents but for the most part the camp was quiet. Belon wouldn’t say that the next camp was beside the one with huge tents, for at least ten horses could have stood front to flank between the two. The tents of the second camp were the red of clay. They were much shorter than the others except for one tent in the center which was as tall as three of the squat tents on top of each other. Figures sat around huge fires and idled around the tents in clumps. The last camp was almost completely isolated, forming a tight circle of trees, shrubs, rocks, and other objects of nature around one tent. Everything was still in that camp except for the leaves of the trees moving against the wind.

Glancing back at his own party, Belon nodded to himself. Several servants and soldiers led pack animals. A wagon, tall and wide, made in the fashion of the nomads jostled in the center of the group. When laid out, the ensemble would illustrate the prosperity of man without being overbearing. No, he wasn’t making a fool of himself. Not yet.

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Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:01 am

Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya sugar. I promised to come and review your newest LMS project/novel and here I am, this October Review Day starting from the beginning, or Chapter 1. I will try my best to not repeat anyone that is under me, so that you get a wide-spread advice/feedback.

After reading this over 2 times, here are my notes in order from the beginning to the end.

1.- I think that the first paragraph “sets the scene” in an objective way, from the perspective of what Belon saw in the room. And that’s excellent because sometimes you just need those from the outside in perspectives.

2.-The thing that kind of broke a rule of thumb for my personally was your first sentence. I generally try to stay away from “weather” related sentences as hooks, because you don't want to begin in a monotonous tone about the temp. of the room, even if this good be the first feeling that the character gets when entering in. Although it is relevant, I would recommend that you introduce this coldish feeling a little bit later on in the scene. Work on strengthening your hook, because those are sometimes, first hooks, because you don't want to begin in a monotonous tone about the temp. of the room, even if this good be the first feeling that the character gets when entering in. Although it is relevant, I would recommend that you introduce this coldish feeling a little bit later on in the scene. Work on strengthening your hook, because sometimes, especially in the first chapter, this is essential.

3.-Okay, so I identified two conflicting emotions or themes in the first paragraph alone. First the father seems peaceful, and then the author displays him in a state of deteriorating mindset. I don't think that the emotions had enough flow, because it seems to me like you jumped from one to the other. At first, it's all broken and deteriorating, and then the King looks peaceful, until he hears his son's voice. And then his depression and state of deterioration comes out again. So there are mood swings, which is perfectly normal in a person, and you obviously can't control them in a person. But I'm sure that you could control this one in this particular scene,right??

4.-Next thing, is that I was pretty surprised that Belon still wanted to hold his reputation up. Wasn't he tired of hiding it or whatever? I was surprised about the reputation part, because you gave us no clues or hints that this was a King. I would never have guessed that he was a ruler, judging by his outlandish behaviour, I just thought that he acted like some freak. I would really work on quietly integrating some small things that would point the reader to this conclusion and direction; like I know you can do. I have seen you scatter hints before, and I know that you can do this in this special first chapter.

5.-Next thing, I wanted to compliment your sense of timing and give you my personal opinion on the introduction at the end of the flashback scene in italics. That introduction of the MC names and who he really is was so reveal-ant and in the perfect spot in my opinion. Formal intros in the first paragraph always bore me a bit, but at the end they always seem suitable. The reason why? Because I want to know more about the newly-introduced character, so that I could identify him better.

6.-Between those two separate scenes, I don't think one dot between two characters is enough. In fact, it seemed kind of ridiculous because I thought that you were introducing two separate character. The flow of that really seemed off, and when I read the first sentence of the second part I made a "whoa, what's happening here" kind of reaction to change. And you don't really want that reaction in a readers mind. So I would recommend bring it back from the past to the present in a graceful manner. So whatever memories Belon had from before, in the 2nd scene could start with him trying to concentrate on this difficult journey that he is facing and such. I believe that's a pretty important part here honestly.

7.-

he had stared at clouds as a boy and thought them painted onto the sky, so beautiful they couldn’t possibly be real. He had the uncanny feeling that he was part the painting too.

This is my favorite line out of this whole chapter, and I think that it is worthy of apprise here sugar. I adore the idea of the clouds in the sky being painted and that he was a part of the painting. Simply lovely, so I just thought that I would throw that out there.

8.

There were three obvious camps, and an empty place for his own party.

I just thought that it would be worth asking, what is the significance of describing the three camps in such detail in this paragraph. While, I do love your description sugar, and you should know this too, I think that this is a bit overdone. Why do we need to really know how each of the three tents looked like? Is it that important to actually develop this plotline?

9.-And lastly, I know that other reviewers have told you this as well, and given you some examples. And I honestly and really do hope that you are aware of this: Most of your sentences are too long. Even though they are lovely in prose, they can get tiring for the reader to read them. Don't worry though, I used to have this same problem, and I fixed it, although it's not an easy fix, because you have to catch yourself everytime and practice. (just like with the spaces in between sentences.)

10.-Here is just one nitpick/example:(also Pomp gave the longest sentence in their review)

The room was dim with early dawn, and there, standing where a shattered window had once been, was my father, silhouetted by the sliver of sun over the horizon.

I would divide it up a little bit, because since this is in your first paragraph, your new reader could be discouraged. Here is how I would break up the independent clauses.

Pretzelstick wrote:The room was dim with early dawn. There, standing where a shattered window had once been, was my father, silhouetted by the sliver of sun over the horizon.

Side Note: I also thing that the period makes the next sentence( the first appearance of his father) way more dramatic. But maybe that's just me.

Overall, your novel here is off to a great start and I am so encouraged by your persistence in writing. I believe in you, and I know that with determination and practice, you could surely learn to write "shorter" sentences, whatever that would mean to you.

I hope that this review really helps you, and if you have any questions regarding it, you know where to find me.

~Pretzel

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 6:11 pm

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burninhell wrote a review...

Hello,
Just thought I would let you know that I think that this is completely and utterly amazing, I'm about to go and read the other parts now
I loved the flow of this story and how there is a strong sense of mystery surrounding everything, so clearly you are the only one in the know while the reader is left wondering, it's incredibly effective for keeping the reader hooked, me being a clear example.
There were very few things that I could criticize here, mostly just a couple of nitpicks.
Okay, so in the first sentence you said
'The once grand room was ruins now' it makes complete sense I just think that it might flow slightly better if you said that it was in ruins. But it's honestly just personal preference.
You then go on to say 'I blinked, and he was screaming, with eyes like an animal’s.' And maybe it would be nice to give an example of an animal, just to help capture the madness that's there, I dont know, again just my thoughts.
And then one final thing, at the end of the prologue in the last paragraph it's all written like Belon is talking, and you dont really get this impression before this point, I just feel like it seems a little out of place.
I would say something about Belon going into the camp, but really your description is amazing, so I'm not going to say anything other than it's great!
But really those are just a few nitpicks, this is a really good piece, and I love it!
I'm looking forward to going and reading the next parts
Burninhell

megsug says...

Thank you :3

burninhell says...

All good, it's amazing! ^.^

Points: 1204
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Fri Aug 28, 2015 8:48 pm

fantasydragon01 wrote a review...

"Needles of cold". Hmm. I suggest that you write "cold needles".
"...were an ancient peoples..." Perhaps you should write "people".
"...for countless conflicts, always refusing...." You should delete the comma.

I know that I am starting this review with some criticism. I am doing this because I am saving the best for last.

*takes a deep breath*

I am in LOVE with your stories!!!!!! What you wrote here was very well-written, and your choice of words was superb. I absolutely love how this is a fantasy, medieval-ish story. Is it?

Your descriptions were also superb. I could basically imagine everything that's going on. Fantastic job!!!

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Fri Jul 24, 2015 8:08 pm

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Pompadour wrote a review...

Hey, megsug! Pomp here for The Big Review.

So, I'm going to begin with critiquing your first paragraph. I hesitate to pull chunks out, but although the first couple of sentences flowed pretty well for me, there are places where the prose seems somewhat stilted and does not flow as well. For example, here:

The fireplace held long dead ashes. The bedclothes were strewn across the floor, mixed with garments of all kinds. Half of the portraits of beloved ancestors hung crooked on the walls, the other half fallen. The bedframe was broken, the mattress lying on it haphazardly, mostly unstuffed.

It felt rather sluggish as opposed to vivid, and this might be because your syntax/sentence structure does not vary by much. It's a repetitive stream of subject + verb + object, and using the article 'the' might also be lending a hand to the monotony. Another thing: the article before 'bedclothes' is unneeded, seeing as it hasn't been specified whose bedclothes they were.

I'd advise on some variation here, anyhow. It doesn't stop me from reading, but it did create awkward pauses. Everything else looks good~

You have some pretty long-ish sentences hereabouts. Split them in half, because long sentences can sometimes get difficult to handle, and for most readers it becomes hard to keep track of what exactly is going on. This is more of something to be cautious about than anything else--for the most part, you handle your sentences well.

Mm. This is intriguing. You have a great handle on suspense, but I feel like it falls flat nearing the end of the italicised segment. The shift to: 'The healer got all but the tip out...' was a tad sudden, and only settled fully in my mind after I'd read through it twice. I also feel like the transition where the reader realises that this is an account of events (somewhat like a diary?) is clunky. So far, it was reading like a story, like the events were being conveyed as they happened--not after. As it is, as I read the part where the segment ended, I felt like the beginning did not complement its ending at all. It feels like we stepped into the middle of the account, rather than the somewhat 'telling' nature a memoir would possess. The change is especially obvious when I look back at the beginning--words like 'was' and an overall active voice, rather than passive, takes away the feel we'd get from a diary entry/autobiography thing. I have two suggestions here:

a) If you're going to end it like a diary entry, or with the narrator speaking directly to the reader, then the beginning of the chapter, too, should lack a bit of immediacy, since it's being written at leisure rather than being experienced. I think this could take away the 'hook' factor, though, which brings me to my second suggestion...

b) Continue with first person and settle the pace somewhat so there is no need for the chunk at the end, where you tell us: 'I am Belon Augnik', etc. OR, you could possibly perhaps fit that chunk somewhere in the beginning, except the character-introducing-themselves thing is rather cliché and rarely serves as a good beginning.

I'm really digging this piece. It's masterful writing and gives me the same vibes I get from reading a fantasy epic. Wonderful.

Quick nitpick:

Belon had expected the race that had stood so firm for countless conflicts, always refusing to take a side, to look nobler, but these beings were gray skinned creatures who reminded him of the golems his da’s magician had once made, heavy and slow.

^This would be better divided up into two or more sentences to make it easier on the eyes.

They would have mocked these bald creatures with wide unblinking fish eyes…

Technical: Add a period at the end of the ellipse. Seeing as the sentence isn't an unfinished thought and is merely trailing of, as a finished sentence, a period is necessary here.

I love that ending. You write the scene so lovelily. Keep me updated with this, yes?

Hope this review helped somewhat. I don't have much to say on plot and character at the moment, but I'd like to see what this story transforms into.

Keep writing! Keep it up!

~Pomp

Points: 804
Reviews: 13

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Sun Jul 19, 2015 1:48 pm

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sugarbear wrote a review...

This was a very well written first chapter! It contained all the components I look for when I first start a new book: questions raised, interesting characters, and good rhythm and speed. Towards the end I felt it dragged just a little bit, but overall I stayed engaged, interested, and reading almost every word. I'm not sure where you plan to take this, and I am not sure that I could really give any advice for critique. For a first chapter, I think it is very well done! Thanks for sharing.

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Fri Jul 17, 2015 6:37 pm

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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hey there, meg! I'm here for that The Big Review review that I must do ^^ Not only that, but you're earned yourself a follower, as I intend to continue reading, even if I can't review each chapter.

And while I will probably gush later on, I'll start off with a quick nitpick.

Realizing with hot embarrassment and shame tingling through me that he was completely nude despite the cold, I adverted my eyes, glancing up only briefly every now and again.

So, this seems like quite the chunk to pull out, but it worries me that it's one sentence. I do realize that it's your style to describe and show us the scene, but occasionally, like here, the sentence goes on longer than it should, or feels like it should. Perhaps look to shorten a few sentences, especially in the beginning, to balance it out lengths little more and keep the train of thought flowing. (Because this does occur on more than one occasion.)

Also, a quick note of something that confused me is that I didn't realize the father was in the window. So, throughout the rest of the scene, it confused me quite a bit, considering I imagined the father turning around and screaming the harsh words into the sun's face. Perhaps it may help to be a little more clear about the actions they take, but do what you think is best.

However, I do realize that the beginning is just a note/journal of some kind. So, it does make me wonder, why is his note so creative and full of imagery? What's he writing it for? (Or am I completely wrong and it's not a note of any kind >.>) Either way, while beautiful to read, it doesn't seem like something a person would record in a journal.

And that's all as have for criticism. In the beginning, I really enjoyed how it was introduced a little at a time that the father was deteriorating, but it was obvious nonetheless. Also, towards the end, it was really interesting being so quickly immersed into this new world, which leaves me curious about these new races.

Sorry if this seemed scattered ~ And if you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

Keep on writing,
~Wolfe

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Fri Jul 17, 2015 3:28 pm

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ChimeraMania wrote a review...

Sharrae here for a review. Hope I help.

The once grand room was ruins now. The fireplace held long dead ashes.

*is ruins* or *ruined* Either one would be better in that line.
*died into ashes* That seems better to me.
In these sentences, it as though you were missing words.

He was used to having his younger brothers to whisper jokes to. They would have mocked these bald creatures with wide unblinking fish eyes…

Unlike the paragraph after this, I didn't expect you to throw this in here, but it's a background check into his family a little bit, since you started this off talking about his father. It works due to that fact in my opinion. Now, what I don't get is why you put ... and then end instead of a standard punctuation mark. That would be better because it doesn't seem as it's cutting the sentence off, it seems finished.
Okay, so I'm finishing reading. I love how much detail you put into describing everything (don't lose that in future chapters).
Okay, so I think, along with describing the tents, in this chapter, you should add what each meant, or who lived in those. At the end of the chapter you threw in the word 'nomads,' thus making me curious on what's their origin. So I'm guess he's taking on his role as King, after his father's 'condition,' which I actually happened to like that part. Although it seemed more of a flashback.
One question, at the end of the italicized words, you said...

I write this to remember and perhaps for another to find, so that these events will be remembered beyond myself.

That makes me think that the rest of the story would be his journal. If so then wouldn't it be in first person? Even though I like it the way it is. You have the first part in first person, but decided to write the story in third. So maybe write the first half (with his father) in third or vise versa. Maybe? It's just an idea.
Over all I liked this, I feel he's trying to being back some old traditions and make a name for himself, while dealing with his father (who you didn't say if he was dead yet or not).
Question. Why did you start off with his father? Will he have trouble trying to make a name for himself and worry about his father at the same time? (Hopefully the last question gets answered throughout the story.)
So keep writing this, I don't know where it's going but I'd like to.

Young Writers Society

The Melding - Chapter One

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