“My new brothers and sisters! We have freed you from the oppressive hand of the Laleor family.” On a white marble balcony, a silver haired man shouted to the growing crowd, turning to the royal family with a blood thirsty smile as the queen was jerked away.
She shrieked and stretched out her free hand toward them as the two children sobbed, screaming for her. A man took them, wrenching the boy away as he grabbed a fistful of her skirt, and pushed their heads into him. His hands shook against the brown curls and straight locks as they struggled to uncover their eyes, begging to see. “Cover your ears, my doves,” he murmured softly, glaring at the young man who held his wife, but his shoulders soon sagged in defeat. He tried to catch his wife’s gaze, but she was wild, never to give up.
The white hair man turned back to the crowd, pointing at the queen. “Shall you give your monarchs mercy?”
The crowd jeered, making their opinion obvious. Someone cried above the dull roar of tired, angry peasants, “Make ‘em suffer.”
Queen Laleor doubled her efforts and tried to jerk away from her captor one last time, tears blinding her as she stumbled to her knees. She looked down at a wild, cheering crowd of her people and went numb. She looked heavenward and searched the skies for her goddess to save her. She shook her head in denial as a fierce grip encased her upper arm. “No!” she spat. she had been faithful. She had been true. “No, no, no!” She had done her best. Why forsake her?
She didn’t know if she was talking to her goddess or her people.
The young man took her elbow, but instead of hefting her up, he dragged her forward. He shoved her head down on a block of wood.
Breath coming fast, she twisted her head desperately to look at her husband. Their eyes locked, and he swallowed several times before mouthing, “I love you.”
She let the silent words wash over her as his frantic, terrified eyes swept over her and smiled, closing her eyes. When she opened them again, they were serene. “I will be waiting.”
The king stared at a purpling horizon as the sun dipped under the edge and closed his eyes at the thud of an axe, jaw clenching. He gasped for air as though he had been hit and bent at the middle ever so slightly as nausea and pain, real physical pain, swamped him.
His arms tightened around his children as they tried to wriggle around to see what had happened as their people celebrated. Kneeling down, he looked at them both, a daughter and a son, and ruffled their hair as he rapidly blinked at hot tears. He wished he had spent more time with his boy, wished he spent a little less time teaching his daughter to lead so she would know it was okay to play. He stared into big eyes, blue and brown. “Promise me not to look.” He hugged them as they threw their arms around his neck and kissed their heads, allowing the soft strands to catch three stray tears. “Ranael, Kor, you will be fine,” he said hoarsely, willing his eyes dry. “You’ll be fine,” he repeated as he stood, glaring at the young guard, and jerked his arm away from his grasp. “I can walk,” he hissed and looked back to his children, lips wobbling. “Close your eyes,” he demanded, straightening his shoulders.
The small boy obeyed, but the teenage girl stared at him defiantly, shaking her head.
He almost smiled. She was exactly as he had taught her to be, everything he never was, never would be.
He swore as he was pushed to his knees. “Close your eyes,” he yelled and did the same as his wife had to see his children. He almost vomited when he felt her hot blood against his neck.
The princess had buried her face into her brother’s hair, and that, the his two children holding each other, was the last Kind Laleor saw.
Ranael sobbed crazily, her eyes closed tight, as she pressed her brother’s head hard into her chest. It wouldn’t happen- wouldn’t happen- wouldn’t happen. At the last moment she covered Kor’s ears and the thud sounded and echoed and did so again before the peasants, the ungrateful, miserable peasants screamed in rapture.
A hate grew in her, melding with the terror, as she hugged her brother and refused to look at the two carcasses. Breath tore in and out of her lungs as she began to babble by the ear she had uncovered, “Kor, we’ll stay together. We won’t let them-” She screamed as the young prince was ripped from her arms and grabbed at air. “No! Please don’t-” She lunged after him and looked up at the young guard, not much older than her pleadingly. She grabbed the hem of Kor’s tunic, fingers white. “Please,” she whispered, “What can he do to your Empire? He’s not even the heir.”
For a moment she thought the young guard was softening, his grip seemed loosen on Kor’s arm, but then his eyes hardened.
Her courage shrivelled at the dark gaze. She fell to her knees in the ultimate surrender. “Fenrir,” she tried, using the name she had learned as he had watched her cell in a last ditch effort, “Please.”
Fenrir’s eyes remained hard, and his lips curled into a sneer. “He can grow.” He yanked Kor from her altogether and moved inside the shadows of the white castle.
Kor began to struggle wildly. “Ranael!” he shrieked. “Ranael! You said! You said!” His face was lit for a second by the orange light of a torch. The tracks of his tears glinted on his cheeks.
She tried to run after him, but two guards grabbed her arms. She struggled, kicking her feet, shaking her shoulders. She never stopped watching, helpless, but stopped fighting when her brother disappeared. She slumped in her captors’ arms, defeat and guilt overwhelming her.
She was completely and totally alone. Her knees buckled as she saw the pale hand of her mother out of the corner of her eye and, silent, she cried.
The white haired man was speaking to the crowd again. “People of Maliel, bow to the benevolent Durtanian Empire. We have rid you of the chains that bound you.” He opened his arms.
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141,313 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
Hey Egs!
~ Typo, this 'it' doesn't need capitalized.Here with your review, as requested, and looking forward to your novel re-vamped.
Firstly, I will recommend that you put your reconstructed novel in a new folder. All of the previous links that lead to...nothing >.> gets distracting, and if you get reviewers who jump in on, say, Ch. 4 and they want to go back and read to this, you don't want to give them so many titles to pick from. At least retitle your deleted works as 'Deleted' if you don't make a new folder.
I like how you start with the crow: a sort of sad/ominious bird, that you capture with good description.
~ I don't understand this. Who did...what...? Pushed their heads into...him? I don't understand this sentence in the least...of course it's late...
~ Haired, isn't it?
~ Nitpick, I don't like the way this is phrased. Perhaps try: "A large, strong hand wrapped around around her upper arm, squeezing so tightly it hurt." Or something...
~ 'Spat'...is she angry? Also, capitalize.
~ A matter of opinion here, but I'd swap for 'Breathing quickly'.
~ "Kneeling down he looked at them both, his daughter and son, as he ruffled thier hair, rapidly blinking back hot tears."
Start a new paragraph with...
~ soft strands of what? I drew you meant his children's hair, but, maybe specify...
~ "Glaring at the young guard, jerking his arm free of the guard's grasp." Is a bit clearer.
~ You've got room to add description here. "The small boy obeyed instantly, screwing his eyes shut, his brow knit together, but the teenage girl stared at him defiantly, shaking her head, her blond braids bouncing off her cheeks". Not saying to use *that*. Don't. Come up with your own description, that was just an example.
~ I would start this with "as he" instead of 'and'. "He yelled as he did the same as his wife,"-- probably my fault, but leaving it like this doesn't seem to make much sense, maybe add "twisting his head around so he could have a final glimpse of his children."
~ Typo, King.
~ An odd choice of vocabulary...
~ Oh my god, I feel like such a jerk, complaining about your vocabulary, but I'm going to advise you to change it to "...not much older than she was, pleadingly."
~~~
Wow. So, despite my lengthy review, I *did* like this piece. It was very good, and I like they myterious way you ended it. I, and I'm ashamed to admit it, don't remember very many details of your first edition, but I do remember Ranael, so I found this piece intriguing. I swear I'm going to try to remember everything this time, and this is a very good, very solid beginning to your story.
Very good!
As always, ask if you want more help!
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hi there
Firstly, I liked this. It has kings and queens, it has death and family love and there was a nice introduction to the whole thing.
I also liked how the points of view kept changing. It reminded me a bit of counting down to zero, as they die one by one. You managed to put quite a bit feelings in those looks and unsaid words, and the way the king acts with his children.
However, I'd like to see a bit more atmosphere.. Perhaps it would be a good idea if you'd describe a bit more of the smells, sounds, feelings.. You don't need long paragraphs filled with descriptions, just a sentence now and then. Thoughts of the characters would be nice too..
It's an interesting piece, all in all. I hope to find out more about the characters from the next chapters ^_^
Kind regards,
Aria
Okay, the one thing I have to say is that although I understand the desire to get this in before review day, it's no excuse for giving us a shoddy piece of work, not looked over twice. Remember that people are spending time looking at your writing, and the least courtesy you could do them would be to review it on your own, fix what you can fix on your own, before asking another person to look at it. That way, we're also not distracted by little mistakes you're aware of and can focus on the writing more deeply.
Anyway, this piece has little substance because it moves so quickly and has few images, much less tactile images. What does this place smell like, look like, FEEL like? I want to be put IN the moment, not watching it, separated, distanced from the story because I can't follow what's going on. Even if it's meant to be mysterious / vague, make the vague details we do get as solid as possible. GIVE me those children. What's the color of their hair? The feel of it under the father's finger tips? What exactly shines in the mother's eyes as she looks at her husband? What's the last memory of her he will have, and the thing he thinks of right as she dies? Give us a flash into his thoughts so we see him as a real person.
What I mean is, right now you have labelled them mother, husband, children, but in this piece they are only labelled. Nothing in their action gives away their relationship, other than that they supposedly cling to each other, but even that I don't feel. Show me they are a family, don't tell me, and that will introduce this situation with so much more reality than there is now.
Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions!
...Wow. Thank you... er... I guess.
I did read over it. There were a things that I wasn't sure about. I do a lot of second guessing of myself, so I posted it. I thought that's what this website was for. Good grief.
Okay. I wish I had a handy delete button. That was small of me. I apologize. Thank you for the advice.
Hey there. So I'll keep this brief. I had a hard time telling exactly who's talking and what exactly the conflicts are (besides the most obvious one being people opposing the man being the new ruler). You could have spent more time establishing who the characters are and what role they play exactly in the prologue.
Also, you could have more description in regards to the background. Your starting description tells me things are pretty dreary, but I would like to see more specifics.
And lastly, I don't think this works as a prologue. It needs more insight on the background of your world. All you've established is there is a new overlord in charge, but that can easily be the start of the first chapter in your novel.
Hope this helps.
Andy.
Thank you for your review.
I wrote this in a hurry to get it submitted in time for Review day. I'm not surprised the dialogue is confusing. I was actually thinking that as I was writing it.
The reason it's a prologue is because there's a 6 year jump after this.
The other stuff I have no excuse for. I will fix it.
Thanks again.
Hey Megsug! I'm going to do a quick review based on the five components of writing, structure, organization, word choice, voice, and idea. I hope my review proves helpful, but before we get to that I am very proud of you! Not everyone knows what a murder of crows is! *applauds and hugs* Thank you SO much for not calling it a flock!
I know I haven't read the rest of your story beyond the prologue, but I'm going to go ahead and say that this should be the first chapter. Prologues are tricky, you pulled this one off well. If I were you, I might would merge this with the first chapter, or make it the first chapter. This is really just my opinion, but a story should start at the beginning, and prologue's tend to be unnecessary. I'm not saying I don't like your prologue, because I do! I'm just saying that a lot of editors and readers view them as a waste of time.
This was kind of hard to read because of the awkward formatting. I think something must have happened when you pasted it into the submission window. No big deal! The story is still great!
You organized this piece well. I feel a steady, dangerous progression. Things keep getting more and more intense and then reach a climax at the end of the piece, which makes me want to read on. Good work!
Your word choice is great! Murder of crows! 'Nuff said!
Your voice is very neat. I like it! I just want to give you a quick tip about writing speech scenes. If you watch a politician giving a speech, they gesture and wave and wink and smile, they use something called non-verbal cues, or body language. You can use this in writing to create more vivid, powerful speech scenes, or any scene for that matter.
I'd also like to explain the type of grief that you experience when you see someone die. It's truly terrifying, and I hate talking about it, but for me, I could feel it in my bread basket. I lost my breath, and my whole body started shaking. There was this strange, tingling sensation that radiated from my solar plexus to my fingertips. I couldn't think straight, and I really just didn't want to think at all. I spent the next few days doing my best to sleep so I didn't have to feel. What I saw was a stranger on live television, I imagine if it were a loved one, it would have been even worse. I hope the description of my experience helps you describe your character's.
Now that I'm done depressing myself, idea! This is a good idea, a kingdom in the throws of a revolution, and a girl who is willing to do anything to protect her brother, when the entire world is after them. Very nice!
I loved your story Meg! Keep up the great work!