Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
We’re comin’ innaclouda darkness,
floatin’ on blood and bones.
The light’ll never reach us,
plowin’ through the hills of Sons.
They sang soft and low as they walked in three lines through the fields. The rhythm had come from days in the fields and the notes had come from the suffering in a world that wasn’t made for two species. The words came from rhetoric.
They were all gathering around a woman standing rigidly still in the center of a circle of flattened crops. Her head thrown back to stare at the red sky, she moved her lips in sync with her brothers’ and sisters’.
We’re comin’ for ya slow but surely.
You’ve earned what’s gonna come.
The wheat’ll burn around us.
We’ll come through untouched.
Three men walked towards her, large blades they used during the harvest in their right hand. They wore dark green robes with one sleeve hanging below their left hand and no sleeve on their right arm. Brass buttons were sewn everywhere on the robes, seeming to have no logical purpose. Their gait was slow and large. Every third step, they cut a gouge into the ground, in time with the song.
The rest of the people, dressed in coarse clothes gathered around the circle, crushing the remaining wheat. They had no fear of the men who whipped them by day. By the time they realized something was awry, it would be too late.
The woman shuddered in the center of the circle even though the evening was hot and wet.
We’re callin’ on our Papa
‘cause he knows wrongs been done.
He knows the transgressors,
their names written in stone.
As one the three men slashed through their sleeves and into their forearms, crying up to the heavens.
The woman fell to her knees convulsing as the rest of the men and women drew whatever they had been able to find, knives, forks, sewing needles, or, in a few cases, sharp sticks and stabbed themselves.
He’s smilin’ at our off’rin’,
a toothy grina blood.
He’s takin’ up our weapons
an' fightin’ for us all.
The fields went silent as the woman at the center pierced the bleeding sky with a wavering scream, shaking her head back and forth, tearing at her sheer white shift which was the only thing she had on. Her dusky gray skin seemed to gather black spots as if she had acquired some sort of rash. They spread quickly, soon covering her body in mottled black.
Their rhythm steady despite the fact that all singing had stopped, the three men continued to advance. Their arms dripped blood which seemed to sizzle into the ruins of the crop. A thin smoke was rising from among the crowd as blood slid from everyone onto the thirsty earth.
The three were close enough to her now that their next swing would cut into flesh, but she didn’t seem to notice. Her screams had morphed into the wordless melody of the song. Her muscles were taught as she shrieked into the sky, eyes rolling up into her head, spit collecting at the corner of her mouth.
Their blades rose simultaneously, in time with her scream-song, one man’s blade nicking another man’s cheek before they fell.
There was silence. The men left their blades, one in her right thigh, one deep in the left side of her chest, and one in the right side of her neck, just above her collar bone. As the men turned smoothly outwards, their gray skin spattered with her black blood, she gurgled softly, slumping.
A woman in the crowd started humming, and her humming was soon picked up by thousands of other voices. They were all singing a different verse but not at the same time. It was a cacophony of words and notes that still somehow created music.
The haze over the field was thick now. The men were absorbed back into the crowd. No one moved.
The haze was converging upon the woman, soon no details of her corpse could be made out. Sometimes it seemed a shadow twitched. Her silhouette wasn’t recognizable. It stretched only to shrink down again. Limbs jerked as if she was coming back to life.
The jumble of words and notes that was a song reached a fevered pitch. Shouts, not those of these people but of those who held them in cages, could be heard in the distance.
A low voice, loud enough to be heard over everyone’s singing, started up, its song nothing but mumbles at first. The woman stood in the smoke, but she was no longer a woman. It towered over any height any of the brothers or sisters could achieve. Muscles bulged. Four tentacles had replaced each arm and the legs were bent strangely, like the back legs of a horse.
The crowd fell silent. The voices of their owners were fast approaching. The creature’s mumbling slowly morphed into words.
You want me for your vengeance.
You’ve offered me your blood.
You think it’s all that you’ve got left,
but your lives aren’t your own.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Heyo!
)
That song was the perfect way to start and end.
Nit-picks (just for understandibility
It should be "as one of the three men..." and then it should be "as one of the... he cried up to the heavens" because you can't say "as" and then not finish it.
This is an example of what I think is getting in the way of the understanding. If feels like you're talking around the sentence. I don't know how to explain it. I think you're packing unnecessary detail into a sentence that doesn't need it. Does it matter that it's their right hands? (also another nit-pick, it should be *hands) Perhaps this wasn't the best example, but your sentences feel like they're all passive or something. Maybe it's just because you write in a different style from me.
Maybe this is a better example:
It would be easier to understand and simpler to say "which was the only thing she was wearing." Again, that might be because our styles are different. You don't have to change it.
Maybe it's that you're using empty words. Do you need to say "some sort" here? How about "had acquired a rash?" or "a strange rash" if you must?
I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "steady." I'm bad at commas though.
Again, I'm pretty sure there should be a comma after "blood" and shouldn't "crop" be plural?
That should be "taut."
This makes it sound like the men fell, not the blades. Does it matter that the blade nicked the other guy's cheek? Get rid of unnecessary detail.
I feel like it would be more understandable to say "the men left their blades in her body: one in..." Also, I was going to bring this up later, but why not now? You have a lot of commas and periods. You have NO semicolons, colons, or dashes. Although you shouldn't over-use these, they do add some more flavor to the piece, and are very, very helpful in bringing clarity to a piece.
Okay, now for the story in general.
I don't understand it. At all. There are these three creepy men, and this circle, and there's this creepy singing, and fields, and a girl had gray skin that turned black, and there was this freaky fog, and then there was a monster. THE END! c:
I just didn't understand it. But I saw it was for a contest, so maybe the prompt wasn't about having a real plot. I just don't like short stories with no real story. But you know what, that doesn't really matter.
I thought you had some nice descriptions, but I kind of wished to see more colors. What did the sky look like? The felid? I didn't know this woman was gray until you said so. That's kind of an important detail...
The only thing I can tell you to get the words to sound right is to read this out loud. Do it. Do it twice. Read it like you are the reader and have no idea what the intentions of the writer are. There are places in here that just make me turn my head and go "huh?" I can understand what you're trying to say, just not why you phrased it the way you did.
http://www.hemingwayapp.com/ Try this site for this. I think it might help.
Good job! Keep writing! I hope you win that contest~
~fortis
Heyo Egs,

~ This part was a bit confusing. I thought it was like a mass suicide or something, but then later they're all watching, so did they all stab themselves for the heck of it, or am I missing something (entirely possibly, this time of night)?Shady here, reading your story, as requested, leaving a review, because I can.
Your opening is wonderful. It drew me in about immediately, and made me curious about who all these people are, where they came from, and why they're singing. So, well done there. c:
~ Minor typo, but it reads kinda awkwardly how it is.
~ I don't know if this is another typo or not... it looks like it could easily be another typo, but it could also be a definition of the word that I'm not familiar with. If it is the latter, then I would recommend adding a bit of description, so that readers like me know for sure.
~
Wow, this is really powerful. I feel like there's a really deep, awesome message behind it that is just beyond my grasp, especially... right now. You know what I mean there... but at some point, when I'm more rational, you should explain the story idea to me more-- like, the true meaning you have behind this.
As a general note, I really like the concept of the song-based story. You pulled it off well with Now We Are Free, and now again, in an entirely-different-yet-still-fantastic story. And... I know you really hate the "OMG, this is fantabulous!" reviews as much as I do, but I've really not got any more complaints to bring to your attention. It is very suspenseful and an interesting concept.
~Shady
Hi there!
Just a nitpick here. There should be a comma after the word 'one'.
I find this sentence a bit too chaotic. I think that has to do with the list you give in the middle of what weapons the people drew. You can do one of two things here. You can either use a dash to separate the list, or you could break it into two sentences. Personally, I think using a dash would mess with the flow, so I'd suggest splitting into two sentences. Whatever you think would work better. but as of right now, it's a chaotic and a bit overwhelming to read.
Here you should switch the halves of this sentence. What I mean is, start with "The three men continued", then put a comma and continue with "their rhythm steady". It flows better that way and makes a bit more sense.
Since you said you wanted comments on how well the story is understood, I figured I'd point out this part of the story. I understand what's happened here, but that's only after I read it over a few times. The problem for me, I think, is that this woman is dead. She has those blades still stuck in her. Yet here she is, rising from the smoke. It's obvious that she has come back to life, so to speak, as a different creature. But it's still a bit hard to decipher. The problem is, none of your characters have names. That worked well and was easy to follow up to now. This woman could've been any woman in the crowd. You have to specify that this woman is the woman that they just sacrificed.
Well, this piece is definitely eerie. And I think the title fits it well. You've got a group of people here that I know nothing about; I don't know names, where they live, why they get whipped in the fields, who they're sacrificing to. While that's something I'd probably complain about in other stories, I praise it in this one. We don't need to know all of that; it's not imperative to know the names and the lives that these people live. All we need to know is their actions. And without knowing these things, it makes the story all that more eerie and creepy. This wouldn't have been as effective if you had given more detail.
The flow of this piece is very important, since it's all about really, one smooth motion: the sacrifice of this woman. And the people are singing their song as they walk. I think you did a good job keeping the flow consistent. There are a few places however, that the song breaks this flow a bit. I'll point those out for you:
All of these lines flow great except for the one I underlined. I've sat here and kind of chanted this song in my mind to try and get the feel for it. And I think the thing here that has me caught up is the word 'untouched'. It just seems to chunky and rigid to be part of this song. If you can, find a different word to fit in here. I've tried to write songs and rhymes into some of my stories before so I know how hard it is to do. If you can't possibly find another word to replace this, I guess it's alright. But I think it would definitely work better if you used a different word.
Here in this bit, the last two lines don't flow with the rest of the lines. The first two are light and carefree, but the last two lines have too many words and syllables to fit with the flow of the first ones. I'm sure if you rearranged the words or combined them into sounds like you've done in other verses of this song, it'll work out well. As of now though, the four lines don't have the same flow.
Other than these few points, I think your story is perfect. You've definitely accomplished that eerie feel (not sure if that's what you were going for or not) and you had me guessing. Like I said before, I think keeping most things mysterious worked out well. The story would've just been too chaotic with names to keep track of as well. I was able to follow this story perfectly and I think it's wonderful.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you~ the lines you pointed oit gave me trouble. I'll keep working on it. Your review was great!
Wow. Just wow. Very well written. A few grammatical errors, such as
" As one the three men slashed through their sleeves and into their forearms, crying up to the heavens."
The end was a little hard to follow what actually happened, but after reading it a second time it made more sense. Very intense, mature writing.
Also, on the last sentence, the "but" is missing a capital.
Overall, very well written, very creepy, very intense. Great job!