I'm not sure if "turbulence" is a good name for this or not; any ideas are welcome. Also, I have no idea if this is good or not; I've never really written romance before. Please give me feedback, I don't care how harsh you are. This story has four parts- hopefully you like it enough to read them all! =]
Turbulence
Riley Davidson squeezed Luke Baker’s hand excitedly and grinned as they climbed aboard the luxury airliner that would shuttle them across the ocean to the tropical island of Maui. She smiled happily as Luke looked around for their seats, remembering how long it had taken for them to persuade their parents to let them take the flight.
Well, for them to persuade her parents to let them go.
Luke’s parents couldn’t care less if he was gone. Ever since he'd started dating Riley three years ago, he spent all his time at the Davidson’s anyways- not that they were ever home to notice. The Bakers figured that the whole point of life was to have as much fun as possible in the time you’re given. Consequently, they spent all their time drinking, gambling, and engaged in other unseemly behaviors and were generally thought to be vile and disreputable people.
Riley’s parents, on the other hand, provided quite an argument when the topic was broached. It wasn’t the expense they were worried about because although Luke’s family had virtually no money, Mr. Davidson was a wealthy businessman who could easily provide the money necessary for such a trip, and although they disapproved of the promiscuous behavior often exhibited by Luke’s parents, he was like a second son to him and they knew him to be a mature and responsible young man. No, the main problem was that the Davidsons simply could not bear to admit that their only child was growing up.
Even so, they gave in eventually and agreed to let Riley and Luke spend two weeks in the tropical city so long as they stayed with Riley’s grandfather, who owned a cottage on the beach, and promised to call every day. They also insisted on escorting the young couple to the airport, despite the fact that both Riley and Luke had had their driver’s license for over a year, and after a long and tearful goodbye, they were finally on their way.
Luke tugged gently on Riley’s hand, steering her towards their seats, and her thoughts flew back to the present. They threw their luggage on the overhead rack and settled happily into their seats. Minutes later, the plane took off.
Riley had the window seat and she spent the first few minutes just watching the clouds fly past. A brilliantly colored bird swooped past as they were taking off and she turned to Luke to say something, but the moment she looked his way he took her face in his hands and stared into her deep blue eyes with his hazel ones, and she simply could not remember what she had wanted to tell him. A lock of bleached blonde hair fell in front of his eyes and she reached up tenderly to brush it away. He leaned in towards her and she felt her heart race as they shared a passionate kiss. She could not tell how much time had passed when he pulled away, but she wished it had been longer.
She leaned in for another kiss, her eyes bright and pleading, but Luke put a finger on her lips and shook his head.
“We promised your parents we’d be good,” he said. Riley sighed. She knew how important it was to Luke that her parents approved of him. For some insane reason he was terrified that they would forbid her to stop seeing him- like that would matter- or, even more outrageously, that if they didn’t approve, she would somehow stop loving him. It was quite exasperating at times.
“Just one more?” Riley begged. “Please.”
Luke sighed and steeled himself to refuse her. “Riley,” he explained tiredly, sounding as he had had this exact same discussion many times before, “you know I would love to sit here and kiss you all the way to Hawaii, but your parents…” He trailed off, transfixed by her gaze and found himself slowly tracing the contour of her cheek with the back of his hand. She looked at him hopefully and he shrugged. “Oh, alright. I guess one kiss wouldn’t hurt.”
And with that she threw her arms around his neck and began to kiss him as if it was the last kiss they would ever share.
After reluctantly pulling apart, Luke and Riley settled back into their seats, lacing their fingers together.
“I love you,” Riley said softly.
Luke smiled. “I love you too.”
to be continued...
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,779 Reviews
This was really fun to read! Your characters were great and their relationship is really sweet. But there were places where I was just a little confused:
1)Why are they going to Hawaii? Just for fun?
2)How old are Luke and Riley?
3)Maybe if you could add a little more descriptions that include the five senses: smell, hear,touch,taste-i don't really know what you could put with that unless they had a meal or something- and sight.
I really enjoyed reading this;the title sounds exciting so it sounds like they're going to have quite the adventure. Keep it up! Great job!
~*~fairygirl~*~
I loved it meg! it's really well written and the
descriptions are great. it painted a beautiful
picture in my head. ok so about this information
overload you mention, it's just a suggestion but
you could always add a short prologue or something
that contained the information. i don't know it's
just a suggestion. i only saw one grammer thing
i think should be fixed:
i think you mean:
he was like a second son to them
i think it would flow better if you put that but again
just a suggestion! i can't wait to read this next part
so reading on...
Thanks for the advice!
I have to admit, I've actually never been on a plane in my life, so I was pretty much just making this all up. I probably will go back and add some more details about them actually being on the plane, as you suggested.
You're right about the extra information, too. I reread it and it really does seem like an info overload. The problem is, this is a fairly short story- only 4 parts- and I really don't know what else I can do with it. I could go ahead and delete the background info all together, but that would pretty much just leave my story as an empty shell. If you have any ideas, I'd be glad to hear them.
I don't know how this story will turn out, but I pretty much just sat down and wrote it in a couple hours so I wasn't expecting it to be that great. Oh, well.
Thanks again for all your advice,
Meggy86
Hey meggy! ^^ Evi here.
So, I agree with the previous reviewer-- you're main (and basically, your only) problem is that this is a bit too much backgroudn info and characterization for a first chapter. This is where you want to hook us in and make us dying to read more, but what you've done instead is take some really well-written info-dumps and tossed them at us straightaway. I don't think it's necessary right now that we know everything about Riley's and Luke's parents. Right now you need to show us that they're getting on a plane, that they're boyfriend and girlfriend, and then cut to something important!
So for instance, say the plane crashes (which is what I'm expecting to happen). Start there, instead of them getting on the airplane in the first place. You can say something about how Riley first noticed something was wrong with the plane. Then, do the action scene, the fallign scene, the crashing into the ocean scene. Once things slow down a bit, then you can add all that background information about the parents. But, for now, stick to drawing us in.
Also, if you must start with them boarding, try and keep the process as relatable as possible. For example, for anyone who's ever been on an airplane, you know there's a flight attendant walking down the aisle and taking drink orders. Maybe the person in front of Luke leaned their seat all the way back, and Luke's annoyed. Maybe there's a kid behind riley who is kicking her seat. Describe the trivial little airplane details to make the scene even more realistic.
Overall, a well-written start that just needs some tweaking! ^_^ But really, you're grammar and flow is excellent, so no problems there. Your only problem is that you're giving us the wrong stuff at the wrong time.
PM me for anything!
~Evi
For this I have to say that you may have given a little to much background knowledge at the start. It, to me, disrupt the flow of the story. I think it would help if you spread the knowledge out a little bit, not so much at one time.
Also many flowery details fit very well in love stories as these. Unecessary details are sometimes necessary.
However, I think this could go somewhere good. I hope something amazing happens in Maui!