I would request that you listen to either a song called Tomhet by Burzum whilst listening to this please. It is a very big part of the atmosphere I think. I would post a link to in on youtube here but I might get in trouble ![]()
A voice, warm with love and care, rises above the heads of pine and oak that cling to the canyon.
The green, and the smell, and the feel, drift over the depthless abyss; a melancholy journey to the other side.
The distance now so far between the real and the happy; the living and the free, grows as the calls grow.
From each tree, shrub, bird and brook they come: a symphony so beautiful; a realisation so sad.
That to reach the place of happiness and peace we must leave the inescapable place, else we become trapped in the sorrow of the summons.
To then eternally float above the canyon, caught between the two worlds will be the fate, both tortured and caressed by the melodies of the fair.
Through the song a face sweeps away the air, and its glowing white, and fresh green embraces my limp body.
It is a face I have seen, and know, and love, and lost; long ago in the land of the cursed reality.
It is a face of the fairest creature of forest dream, who when she wanders amongst the land of us all, brings life to all she wishes.
Yet she has been shunned by many I have known, for the lies of cruelty, hate and anger that have been spread in jealousy are too strong.
But now and here, I will soon return to wander amongst the place of golden and silver dreams, to the place of constant summons.
And I will stand and hold the hands and kiss the face of the fairest one.
Until it is my time to leave again.
And wait once more for the summons from across the wooded canyon.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I really enjoyed it, but you're going to want to post new words. You repeated love, sorrow, fairest, they're lovely words, but a bit overused. It had an interesting flow to it, and I liked it. But some parts were a little hard to read and a bit unclear. If you fix those, you'll have a really good story. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider
I liked this, although it was a bit hard to read. Maybe I'm just not smart enough to understand. Anyway, it flowed well, and had plenty of imagery and details, and I could envision the setting you've created here. I didn't listen to the song, because if I get on youtube internet will die, but when reading this the lord of the rings soundtrack was playing in my mind. that's the feeling I got with this. So, I have no real comments or corrections to make. But I hope maybe this was encouraging or helpful or entertaining or something.
Anyway, lovely poem, keep writing!!