this is just a beginning, but I wanted to post it anyway because I haven't written in a long time.
Margo
It’s 3 AM. I wake up, dizzy, disoriented, hung over. I look around. Nothing seems familiar. I don’t know where I am or how I ended up here. This is nothing new.
I snatch up my jean miniskirt from where it lays on a pile on the floor with the rest of my clothes and pull my cell phone from the back pocket.
The phone is almost out of battery and the light is dim as my heavy, clumsy fingers fumble with the keypad.
“Hello?” the familiar voice on the other end picks up almost immediately; tries not to sound like the voice of someone who has just been awoken from a lovely sleep.
My tongue cannot seem to form the words that I want to speak. “I dunno whereiam, “ I mumble incoherently, pulling my filmy tank top over my head, backwards maybe, and struggling with my skirt.
There is a short silence on the other end. A small, nearly inaudible sigh. “Stay where you are. I’ll find you.”
“I love youuu soo much,” I blubber just before the phone goes dead. I take a deep breath, try to clear my head, and throw up into my purse.
Gabriel
He carries her into his apartment as the sun peeks out from around the Sears Tower. He has to be at work in three hours, and he is exhausted. But when he lays her sleeping body gently down on his bed, sits on the edge, just watching her slow, relaxed breathing, none of that matters to him.
Her long, flaxen hair is dirty and tangled and her heavy eyeliner, which was so alluring a few hours ago, is smudged across her eyelids and cheeks, giving her the appearance of a very fair skinned raccoon. Her lips are chapped and her tongue sticks out a little when she breathes deeply. Her hands are clenched together tightly, and he slowly loosens them and holds them just for a second before laying them at her sides.
He looks at his watch; knows he should go shower and get ready. When he comes home she will surely be gone. But she’ll be back in a few nights at the most, drunk and disoriented and grateful. If only she would just stay, just once… he wipes the thought from his mind. He has other things to think about right now.
He gently smoothes the sweaty hair off of her forehead and kisses it softly, biting his lip to keep from crying out. It is too overwhelming. He goes to turn on the shower.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hmm... this is very interesting.
I would just like to know how he found her? I mean if she doesn't even know where she is, how would he know?
I really like their relationship already, even though I don't know what it is. I am undecided between lovers or siblings. I hope it's lovers.
I really like where this is going, keep writing.
Classy
Hello Mechi. I'm Lydia and I will be your reviewer for today. Firstly I would like to say that I really liked this, except for the puking in the purse, (that was pretty gross!)
Now on to the review.
But if you add in punctuation a passage like this....
The first thing I noticed was the punctuation, or rather the lack of it. Don't worry, I was just the same when I started out on here
Becomes this...
You got the punctuation in, in places but not in others. There is still probably some stuff I have missed, but you can look out for that.
Other than this I had a bit of a problem with this line
I dosn't make sense and it dosn't read very well. I think it's because you need a subject before the 'tries' otherwise it dosn't sound right.
And finally, the last line.
This is a very weak closing sentence. You need to leave a cliffhanger or a hook, or something to make the reader continue to read. I did want to read on, but I would have liked more of a reason to, I dunno maybe it's just me
Youch, I have been quite harsh here, but I think this will help you to improve in the long run. Overall I like this and will be interested to see what it turns into
Sorry for the nit-picks. The content is good, it has a lot of potential! I can't wait to read on to find out who the characters are. PM me if you decide to write more. I agree with borntobeawriter I think I needed to know who these people are!
Keep Writing,
~Lydia
*Clicks the 'Like' button!*
Hi!
Wow, I really like this piece. It was very compelling, I needed to read the next sentence. But now I'm burning up with curiosity. Who is she? Who is he? A friend? Brother? Wannabe boyfriend?
The writing and description was very vivid to me, I could perfectly visualise what was happening. Two thumbs up from me!!
Could you please pm me when you post the next chapter?
Tanya