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The Afterwords

by mechasvi969

I was passion

She was enthusiasm.

I was sun

Glorious,shining,flying across the globe

She was earth

Loving ,nurturing but bounded by robe.

We loved and lived together

Fully immersed in the sea of love

But the storm originated from the sea where we dove .

She needed my time as I needed her love.

The captivation of my mind provoked her dissociation

The pale shadow of night admired our true love

Now has become intense enough to devastate our world.

The desire kept burning in my soul

But wasn’t a cure for morose

We battled and battered but the spark has done his work already

The tears fretted in soil but she didn’t return

Hatred and passion cheered together as both devoured my love.


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42 Reviews

Points: 600
Reviews: 42

Mon Feb 04, 2019 5:41 pm
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Traves wrote a review...

Hey mechasvi969. Traves here for a quick review.

First impressions —

- So you're writing on a common theme (that of a strong love gone sour and what's left) , though you're playing with some pretty interesting imagery here, which is good since it's one of the best ways to make your love poetry more memorable and creative.

- I had to read the poem twice to understand it and I'm still not sure if I got all of the meaning behind the imagery. I think you need to work more on your flow by putting more thought into the transitional sentences between individual images or ideas (which are good by the way), especially if one varies significantly from the previous.

- There are a few minor grammatical mistakes or awkward wording but otherwise you're fine on that front. For example,
"But wasn’t a cure for morose

We battled and battered but the spark has done his work already"

Morose is an adjective, and a noun was expected there. Here,battered requires an object — "we were battered" or "battered each other" might be expected. It should be "the spark has done its work" unless there's a reason for a male personification of the spark, which wasn't presented.

Details —

1. You probably know this but whenever you write a sentence and more importantly when you [b]leave out[\b] a sentence, you make a simple choice of providing or withholding information. That choice has expositional, stylistic and quality consequences, always. Here is an example —

When you say

"I was passion

She was enthusiasm.

I was sun

Glorious,shining,flying across the globe

She was earth

Loving ,nurturing but bounded by robe.

We loved and lived together"

- Here, in the first 2 lines, you mention the narrator and the love interest as two feelings/emotions which can often be found together, and not necessarily contrasting. By not expanding upon this line of thought, you immediately make the choice of taking the risk of causing annoyance or disinterest in the reader's mind, by not giving some hint or reference to how the two people are two emotions and why they should care about the juxtaposition that you have presented (though it might go the other way as they might put more effort into deciphering it). In the next lines, the contrast increases a lot with the sun - earth metaphor, as we get the feeling of a distance between the two. (Also, that "bounded by robe" part wasn't entirely clear, as pointed in the previous reviews) and neither how if the Earth is bounded by a robe, it affected the relationship between the two humans. The sun-earth metaphor which gives a feeling of distance initially, also clashes with how the two lived together in the sea, which is fine if you were trying to show a more nuanced side, perhaps with referring to how the sun, earth and sea interact via sunlight, for example. However that clash is left unresolved. You get the point. Do not be afraid of adding more meaning or clarity a few more lines to your poetry — any fluff will be probably removed while editing.
In general, you should try to make each of these choices consciously, where you decide and try to guide the thought process and emotions invoked in the reader. That is a step taken both during the process of writing the first draft, and more importantly during editing. It is time consuming, but useful in improving the quality of the work.

- This thing occurs in a few more places where I wished for some more clarity.

2. Flow — The flow was pretty good in some parts, and needed some work in others. Clarity is an important part of it, and that's been handled already. Although some work on transitions is needed — since punctuation in poetry is flexible if present, the way the previous line ends and the next one begins becomes important. For example

"The pale shadow of night admired our true love
Now has become intense enough to devastate our world."

could perhaps be written as

The pale shadow of night that admired our true love
then became intense enough to devastate our world."

^ this is in line with the rest of the poem being in the past tense.


"The pale shadow of night which admired our true love
now has become intense enough to devastate our world."

if you want to keep the present tense.

Overall, I feel that a little editing and elucidation in some places, would cause a lot of improvement in a poem that is already pretty expressive and cohesive with the progression of ideas/imagery in most places.

I look forward to reading. your poetry in the future, and then my reviews will be more conventional. You know where to find me if you have any questions.

Keep learning, expressing and writing !

Traves says...

mechasvi969 says...

Thanks for your precious suggestions. These are very helpful for me to make my poetry better.

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24 Reviews

Points: 4033
Reviews: 24

Sat Jan 19, 2019 7:55 pm
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paperforest wrote a review...

Hi! This is an interesting poem, I like the story's concept and the imagery of the sun and the earth, the ocean and the storm, as well as the strength of the descriptive words you used. You've used a lot of strong verbs, and no unnecesary adjectives, which gives a feeling of movement throughout the poem.

One thing you could think about is giving us some more concrete imagery to make the story easier to follow. One thing that's making it hard for me to follow exactly what's happening is that there also isn't much continuity between the metaphor you set up at the start, of you being the sun and her the earth, and the other images, of you both diving into the sea of love, of "the pale shadow of night", and of "the spark".

At this point, I'm not sure if, for example, "the pale shadow of night" is a metaphor for the darkness within you both, or if it's meant to indicate another character. Same with "the spark", is this something that was caused by the two of you arguing, or is it the "pale shadow of night" sowing discord between you, or is it another character? The rest of the line, "[he] has done his work already" makes me think it's someone conspiring against the two of you being together, so if this isn't what you're going for, maybe give the line some more context, like saying something along the lines of "the desire burning in my soul set off sparks that burned her".

On the more technical side of things, it seems as though you started out rhyming, and then just stopped, which feels odd, because most poems have a set rhyme scheme throughout, or don't rhyme at all. I would recommend not rhyming in this poem, because the few times you use it, it feels out of place. For example, the lines

"I was sun
Glorious,shining,flying across the globe
She was earth
Loving ,nurturing but bounded by robe."

have great rhythm, but I'm not really sure what you mean by "bounded by robe" (is she wearing a bathrobe? that's the image it brings to my mind, but because I'm already seeing her as the earth, it's a bit of a jarring effect), and it doesn't move the story forward or contribute anything to her character, as your other lines do.

One last tip: commas always have a space after the comma, and no space before it. Same for periods.

I hope this was helpful! Your poem has a lot going for it: it's got a good story, nice flow, and a neat central metaphor with your nature and space imagery, all it needs, in my opinion, is a bit more clarity, which would come with tightening up your extended metaphor and giving more concrete imagery.

mechasvi969 says...

I will definitely jot down all of your suggestions in my poem.Thanks for helping.

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9 Reviews

Points: 41
Reviews: 9

Sat Jan 19, 2019 6:47 pm
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SuraikheySuraj wrote a review...

This poem proves your exceptional talent in poetry. Throughout the poetry, you managed to continue your pace and line of the story remained undisturbed. It is a great achievement for poets. Many poets do face this issue, however, I would like to congratulate for overcoming this. Still, I would like to make some suggestions. First, in sixth line, write "and" instead of first comma. In third and fifth line, please use appropriate article for the words, "sun" & "earth". In thirteenth and fifteenth line, I observed that subject from the sentence is missing (grammar). If you want to encourage the centre idea of the previous line to become the subject, kindly use "it" as subject there. The beauty of the language you used in sixteenth line is incredible. I have to admit that I enjoyed your poem and looking forward for more and more of such beauty. Keep writing. Thank You & Welcome.

mechasvi969 says...

Thanks for pointing out my loopholes.I will do my homework!

“It doesn’t matter what you are, it only matters what you do. It’s your choice.”
— Sam Winchester