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by mechasvi969


Mountains stood before me ,

In the captivating darkness,

Piercing through me,

devouring me slowly.

Nervousness numbed me,

My legs paralyzed,

the terror doomed upon,

Eagle above smiling quietly.

Sensing no way back,

As I turned around,

I cried out for help and

heard nothing but echo.

“You alone complete the quest.

No chance of quitting.”

The words, sympathetic yet cursed,

like poison diluted with water.

I could feel the sting,

rocks poking through my feet,

tears rolling down my eyes,

Both didn’t stop as well I.

A surge of destruction,

advanced towards my life,

dissolving good deeds and

sins at the same pace.

I was there at last, walking,

aimlessly past rocks and leaves,

with nobody to guide but hope and

nothing to enjoy but journey.

Consistency! They say,

really hard nut to crack,

“Not as hard as this journey”

My limbs screamed while they moved.

Need any help? Inquired path,

being cautious of my sweaty soul,

“It’s never easy denying help, my friend

But I’ll have it alone” I replied.


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12 Reviews


Points: 219
Reviews: 12

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Sat Jan 11, 2020 2:53 pm
ayushinav wrote a review...



Hi @mechasvi969
A really nice piece of work, you surely did give me a motivation to work hard when things get hard, but I'd like to emphasise on some points.
1) I'd like the way how you used the imageries, though I'd suggest when using them metaphorically, make that certain part of the poem visual. That makes it easier to interpret.
2) There were pieces that seemed to be disjoint, and it broke the flow of the poem. Also, instead of using one block, try breaking it down into multiple stanzas with intact ideas. That makes your work clear to the reader.
3) Some parts of the poem need rephrasing in my opinion, like "Both didn’t stop as well I." could be rephrased as "Neither did they stop, nor did I.".
4) I would also suggest using more punctuations, especially when you use quotes or dialogues in between your narration. "Need any help? Inquired path," be written as " 'Need any help?', inquired path,". Although if a line contains just the dialogue or the quote, it becomes a bit obvious and you do not have to put in the effort for using the quotes.
5) Rest you really did a very good job in conveying your feelings. Keep working, and you'll come up with more interesting pieces. "Consistency! They say," is the key.
These are just my suggestions, I might have misinterpreted a few things.
Looking forward to your next work.
Good luck!
ayushinav




mechasvi969 says...


Hey ayushinav, thanks for pointing out the areas of improvement. I assure you about the better formatting of poem from next time. Also the suggestions on the phrasing of the dialogues and sentences was really helpful. I will take care of those things from the next time.



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737 Reviews


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Reviews: 737

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Fri Jan 10, 2020 8:53 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there mechasvi969. Welcome to the Young Writers Society and congratulations on posting a few pieces to the site.

I haven't reviewed any poetry for awhile but I saw your piece in the green room and thought I should stop by. The concept of having dialogue and conversations within poetry pieces almost always gets my attention. And the title itself was a signal to check this out.

I go back and forth on how I feel about one word titles. However I am not a fan of poems that do not use some sort of structure to separate the lines. I'm wondering if you did have some sort of structure in this poem and then the publishing center took it away. The publishing center on yws has the tendency to mess around with any formatting on inputted works. If you did have formatting in this piece and it got messed up by the publishing center, there's lots of good articles on yws about how to format. And I also know that the publishing center is currently having issues with the genre settings for each work, so if you go back to edit the work it should let you put on the appropriate choices.

If you didn't have a structure in place before, I would certainly recommend choosing one. There's a couple of formatting things that you might want to mess with going forward with this piece. The capitalization is a little bit funky but after I read it through a couple of times I realize that it all must be part of the conversation that's going on within the content. I think that you might need to increase the line lengths a little bit. By combining some of the shorter lines and bringing the line spacing closer together, that would help the issues with the flow.

It is a very interesting poem and I can see where you might be going with the horror aspect. But when a poem has structural issues, it often masks the value of the literary content. Just a little bit of work on this piece and it will be in much better shape.

Good luck with your edits.
If you have any questions, just ask.
Happy January.
- Jack




mechasvi969 says...


Hi CaptainJack, you guessed it right about the formatting issue encountered while posting the piece on yws. I initially intended to have a quatrain, but the publishing centre seemed to deny me with that facility. Anyway, I will definitely look out for the articles you mentioned and publish the piece once again with proper format. Thanks for helping me out with the issu.



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91 Reviews


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Reviews: 91

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Thu Jan 09, 2020 6:19 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hi, fellow writer! I saw your piece in the green room, so undoubtedly you're waiting for some reviews, so here goes.

First off, you've employed some imagery that is intriguing. The personification of inanimate objects, etc., is a great element to employ in poetry. Also, you have done well depicting the desperation in the voice of the narrator.

Something else I'd like to point out is that some of the punctuation is confusing, and capitalization is inconsistent. Some lines begin with capital letters, and others don't, and I personally didn't find any rhyme or reason to why it was that way. Just be sure to keep an eye out for things like that.

Well, that's all for now. Good work!




mechasvi969 says...


Hey WinnyWriter, your observation coincides with my concern actually. The ambiguity in the punctuation and capitalization is the result of wrong formatting. My intentions were to make quatrain poem but it ended up in a prose like structure. Surely I will seek help with this issue and come to you again with good, edited poem.




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