(A/N, I tried to format it and separate stanzas but it won't work.)
As I walked the window's edge,
I watched space move around me
as if, I was stuck in a gutter.
The milky one to be exact,
filled with pawns of any kind,
floating freely in the void.
As I walked the window's edge,
the dark lord's daughters
glared down at me with their green eyes.
Every single one wore a gown
of a thousand sparkling, rainbows,
but in his dark, breathless grip,
I was the center of attention.
I did not glow in his light,
I did not even shine in his eyes;
I was the final draft in his clay hands.
As I walked the window's edge
of my marble like prison,
I knew that I was different
than the rest of my people.
I was the one who,
as I walked the window's edge
had a constant audience right beside me.
I was a one of a kind,
yet questions had boiled over,
and reasoning blurred my borders
because I had golden curls,
not platinum blonde
or the dark lords daughters
shimmery peacock, dresses.
I wasn't hot headed
or too cool for anything,
I was just right,
as I walked the window's edge.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Every time you switch onto a new line, hit shift+enter or ctrl+enter. Don't do that if you switch onto a new stanza, though.
Thank you
I'm super bad at this technical stuff. I so need an article with the shortcuts lol
Ha ha. I understand. ^^ I've most recently figured it out myself.
I think that this poem is a teeny tiny bit confusing but other than that beautiful. I think it is really nice how you made it so that your character was the different one. I think I understand it, your main character was a daughter of the dark lord, but different from her sisters. It is really well written and very interesting, I hope you write more pieces because you have got some real talent.
Nah, it's not that literal lol. Sorry. Things that I say in the poem aren't what they seem. Like green eyes are meant to represent jealousy because you know green is a jealous color.
I think that this poem is a teeny tiny bit confusing but other than that beautiful. I think it is really nice how you made it so that your character was the different one. I think I understand it, your main character was a daughter of the dark lord, but different from her sisters. It is really well written and very interesting, I hope you write more pieces because you have got some real talent.
Okay, so I have no idea what is going on in this piece. I've reread it a few times just to see if I maybe wasn't getting the full picture, but try as I might, I still failed. I can't really even determine what you're trying to say or come across.
I think the main problem of this piece is that you're too obsessed with making a poem instead of just writing a story. Everyone always has this idea that a poem has to have all these poetic cliches, describing vivid things and being vague, but that is just not the case. The only huge differences in a poem from a story is word economy and creative use of formatting to articulate speech. You still need to make sense in a story.
Let's just look at one of the most popular poems of all time, "The Raven". We understand everything that happens in that poem. Poe doesn't make it some kind of vague puzzle we have to figure out, it's a story first and foremost.
I'd honestly take this poem and just write out the scene. Don't think about rhyming, stanzas, lines or anything like that, just write the scene like you're describing it to someone. Then rewrite what you wrote into a poem using word economy and creative organization.
Now I may come off as very negative, but I don't mean to. I love the fact that anyone is willing to share their work to the public in this format. It shows you have courage to expose yourself and that is an admirable trait. Keep writing and always sharing.
Thank you,
MrTalljoker
While I see your point, I'm fully aware that this is a confusing piece. I wasn't trying to mimic anyone actually. Or trying to make it grand, just when I was writing this I was writing what came to my mind. I knew people wouldn't get it but I just wanted to see what they thought. It's actually an extended metaphor in a sense. If you'd like me to I could explain what I was writing her.
Thats good that you wrote what comes to mind, its an important part to a first draft. I just think this work needs more revision is all. I honestly dont want you to tell me whats going on. When I read something, the story should tell me whats going on by itself. Thank you for the response.
Huh. This poem is kind of confusing, but I like it
You've written it well.
nice job!
I would suggest that you double check your comma use a couple times (like on the third line and the eleventh line) and also that you break this poem up into stanzas instead of having it as just one big chunk. For example, I think you could at least add a paragraph break before you repeat the line "as I walked the window's edge." I tend to like repetition like that, especially as an intro to a new stanza, which you could easily have happen if you added a paragraph right there.
Overall, you use metaphor very well through this poem and it definitely gets me thinking
Oh wow sorry, I tried doing that while typing but I guess it didn't go through for the spacing. Really sorry about that but thanks for the review