Okay this is for my english class in school. We are writing suspense stories, and this is just the beginning of mine, but I would love for some feedback(: Thanks guys!!
The Stalker
Silence falls as the phone starts to ring. Ring....Ring.....Ring. Kris walks over to the phone sitting in it's place under the lamp on the side table of the couch. "Hello?" Kris speaks in a quiet tone. Silence. She hears nothing but small breaths coming from the other line. "This isn't funny. Stop being so immature." Kris scowls then taps the END button on the phone, placing it back into the charging base. Just as Kris starts stepping away back into the kitchen, the phone starts to ring again. Ring....Ring....Ring. Kris gulped, slowly going back to the phone and lifting it off the base.
Waiting for her boyfriend, Kris, is wearing a sweatshirt that reads, "Look up more" in white lettering with an image of a purple galaxy behind the words. Her long blonde hair, Tied into a tight bun on the top of her head, dark blue skinny jeans squeeze against her legs. Classic black flats as her shoe wear, Perfect outfit for a night at the movies.
Carefully holding the phone against her ear, Kris at last spoke into it. "Hello?" Kris felt her spine tingle when no one spoke again. "Look, I don't know what kind of joke you must think this is, but it's not funny. So I suggest you stop." Waiting for an answer she began tapping her left foot against the hard wood floor. She hit the END button once again. Peering out of the corner of her eye, she sees headlights pulling up her driveway. Kris begins walking to her front door when she hears what seems to be a gunshot. Her heart starts pumping getting louder and louder. She turns around, staring at the phone. Her eyes widen as it continues to ring. Ring...Ring...Ring.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hello! This is a very, very late review but I feel compelled to write it, anyway.
First, I'll start by saying that this is very intriguing. While the whole phone-rings-and-the-caller-says-nothing thing can come off quite cliché at times, this particular story manages to do something different (namely with the cliffhanger ending). It has a lot of promise.
My one complaint about it would be when you wrote, "Waiting for her boyfriend, Kris, is wearing a sweatshirt that reads, "Look up more" in white lettering with an image of a purple galaxy behind the words. Her long blonde hair, Tied into a tight bun on the top of her head, dark blue skinny jeans squeeze against her legs. Classic black flats as her shoe wear, Perfect outfit for a night at the movies."
It should be, "Waiting for her boyfriend, Kris is wearing a sweatshirt that reads, 'Look Up More' in white lettering with an image of a purple galaxy behind the words. She has her long blond hair tied into a tight bun on the top of her head, and wears dark blue skinny jeans that squeeze against her legs, with classic black flats. The perfect outfit for a night at the movies." You can word it differently than that, of course, but there's an example.
Other than that, nice work!
Hi! I am here to review for the Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto!
This is a good story. I can't wait to read more. The first thing is 'Her long blonde hair, Tied into a [...]' the t shouldn't be capitalized and you should put a period at the end of '[...] of her head' then start with; She wore dark blue skinny jeans [that] squeezed against her legs[, and] classic black flats as her shoe wear,' Put a period here. This may not be the best way to do it but that is my suggestion.
Like I said this is a good story. I hope you do well in class. Keep writing.
Shalie
Hello, a quick review here.
The writing Was a good start to the story including some very creepy parts
"Ring...Ring...Ring. I found this very creepy and brought tension to it, however there are just two tiny points i would like to make.
1.) trying using different sentence structures, for example "Kris walks over to the phone sitting in it's place under the lamp on the side table of the couch. "Hello?" Kris speaks in a quiet tone" could be " walking over to the phone kris answered "hello" he said eerily.
2) also A mistake with the complex sentence "Waiting for her boyfriend, Kris, is wearing a sweatshirt that reads, "Look up more" in white lettering " if you took the middle sentence out the two outer sentences wouldn't make sense.
But overall if you fix these things it would be very good story/intro.
1.) I might change it, I don't know yet. I was trying not to go really extremely complex because I didn't want my teacher to start expecting more complex stuff from me(; Lol. Anyway. Thanks for the review!
Hi, and as therealme says that is indeed a very good start you should keep going with this story. Though there is something that I felt to be corrected and that is,
This line feels like the continuity of a paragraph. I would suggest you to change it to, " The room was filled with silence when the phone rang" (this is dumb) but you can do more than that. And the other things were good. This was very good for the first try. Keep up your good job!
Keep writing!!!
Cheers!!!
I will be sure to try and fix that.
Thanks for the review it means alot!
Very very suspenseful. Good work! You should definitely continue
Thank you so much(: It means alot, and I have continued and will be posting what I have so far after I finish replying to all of these nice reviews:P
Hello I'm emjay and I'll be reviewing you today ^^
I am really interested to see how this story is!
Okay so my question about the first line is why would silence fall just as the phone is ringing? Noise and silence don't go together so maybe you should rephrase this so that it makes more sense. Just a suggestion.
One tiny mistake: Kris walks over to the phone sitting in ITS (not it's)...
Another question is running through my mind as I read how Kris responds to the noise on the other end of the phone. She says that the person is being "immature." The use of this word makes it sound like Kris suspects a peer (maybe a friend from school) is playing a prank. It could be an eighty year-old serial killer though, so I don't know if "immature" would be the right word. Yet Kris's word choice says a lot about her as a character, so maybe you want to keep it. It's fine either way
The last two sentences of the second paragraph are run-ons and you might want to start them differently because it's like they're hanging there unattached to the sentences before them. I do like your description of your main character though!
The ending is a cliff hanger ^^ I like the ending a lot and it leaves many questions for the reader to ponder. You should definitely continue this!
Thank you thank you for this great review. And I just realized that typing mistake
I'll look into fixing those run ons! Also, I have continued and will be posting the continuing of the story in a minute(: