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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Taoist

by mcar


The Taoist

In ancient China, around the year 620 AD, in small town near a small set of mountains, lived an old man about the age of 65. The thing that was special about this man is that he lived in a town full of very hostile and aggressive people, so he was the only Taoist in that town. Everyone disagreed with his ways of thinking and his house, that was located on the outskirts of the town, was often vandalized. His farm and his Yin Yang symbol hanging outside his house were the usual victim to the vandals. They would often steal his crops and he would have nothing to eat except the food that was stored inside his house, like the leftover rice from his last rice harvest, or some leftover veggies from his garden that they didn't get to. His life was tough, but he was very grateful for what he had, and was always kind to everyone.

The town was very small, with a population of around twenty to twenty five. It was ruled by a Man who was absolutely obsessed with war and power. He wanted nothing more than to have complete control over everyone, so he built an army of about 15 people and raided smaller towns. The Taoist man was strictly against his ways of thinking. The ruler was driven by the thought of being the ruler of China.

One day, everyone was going about their daily tasks, when a group of bandits from a couple miles south attacked the town. The attack was such a surprise that everyone didn’t know what to do. The Taoist man ran for his life and hid. Most of the people on the town did the same, but only around ¾ of the population survived. Along with many other townspeople, the ruler had also been killed. The Taoist man got the townspeople to gather around. “What just happened was very devastating,” he said, “But we must rebuild this town, and stay strong. If you are willing to help me rebuild this town, stand behind me, if not, you can get what's left of your belongings and leave.”

Only 2 or 3 people left that day. The rest began clearing away the rubble and burying the dead bodies of loved ones, including the old ruler.

5 years later, everyone began to follow the Taoist man’s beliefs and the town was very peaceful for a long time. Then, somehow, word of this town got out and every month, 3 or 4 more people moved there. Soon, it was the 3rd largest town in china at that point.

6 years had passed since the attack, and the town had gone from around 15, 13 people to over 200 people! The Taoist man was very proud of what he had done. Before he began ruling, the town was a dim and unhappy place, but after he started to rebuild the town, it became a happier and more vibrant place. Not everyone there was Taoist, but everyone still got along very well.

Around half a year later, the Taoist man passed away in his sleep peacefully. Even though he was gone, he was well remembered and people still lived in peace.

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104 Reviews

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Sat Mar 07, 2015 1:57 pm
comrie wrote a review...



Hi mcar, comrie here and I'm gonna write up a review :)

I think you have a nice idea here. Unity among the people against one common threat. I liked that a lot.

I understand that the Taoist man was not liked, but that is all I know about him. Does he have a family? Is he a newcomer to the town? What did the rest of the town believe in? I get that this being a short story, you probably didn't want to add too much information because it might spiral into something bigger, but I think adding little bits of information of the Taoist man in regards to his character, his personal life would help readers be more connected to him. Just sprinkle bits and pieces on who he was would be helpful. Right now, I only know him as the Taoist man and the stuff you're telling me he is, not really showing. Use the senses! The environment around him! Use it all to your advantage.

And the man in charge of the town -- I'd personally like to know more about him. I know he's not the center of the story, but for now, I just see him as a man. What was he like before? Was he always power-hungry? How did he even get to power? These are questions I kept asking myself when reading this. You don't have to answer these questions in your story just to accommodate me but I think you should consider questions *like* these when you write any story. Ask yourself, "What else is there to this person/place?" and go from there.

When the Taoist man went to gather them (after the war), why did they not resist? Didn't they not like him? Did something happen during the war that made them like him better? If something did, I think you should add that here. I just couldn't believe that they would considering their thoughts/behavior toward him before the war. Did the Taoist man do something to save them during the war? Insert that information here.

I did find some problems in grammar, and I'll go ahead and point them out to you along with suggestions on how you could go about fixing them :) It's up to you if you want to or not!

The thing that was special about this man is that he lived in a town full of very hostile and aggressive people, so he was the only Taoist in that town.


There's something awkward about this sentence every time I read over it. I think you should probably separate this into two separate sentences. Maybe: The special thing about this man was that, in a town filled with hostile and aggressive people, he was the only Taoist there. Or something along those lines. I was thinking maybe take out the part about the town being hostile and aggressive, and inserting it somewhere else, like before revealing that the man is a Taoist. It's up to you.

“What just happened was very devastating,” he said, “But we must rebuild this town, and stay strong. If you are willing to help me rebuild this town, stand behind me, if not, you can get what's left of your belongings and leave.”


The sentences can be separated here. Also, some capitalization errors. Maybe: "What just happened was very devastating," he said, "but we must rebuild this town and stay strong. If you are willing to help me rebuild this town, stand behind me. If not, you can get what's left of your belongings and leave."

6 years had passed since the attack, and the town had gone from around 15, 13 people to over 200 people!


Are you trying to say 15 to 13 people? If so, I think you should switch it around to 13 to 15 people.

I noticed a few capitalization errors, like when you wrote that the town was the 3rd largest in the country. You should capitalize the "c" in china. Also when you introduced the evil guy, the "m" in man should not have been capitalized. I did notice some unnecessary commas during the read. If you can find them, I'd remove them. If you need help looking for them, just PM me and I can help.

But all in all, I think the idea was nice. I think you should slow down in terms of the events. It was kind of like, "This happened, and this happened, and this--" never slowing down to explain the hows. Don't rush. If it ends up being longer, just let it happen :) It's the story's way of telling you, "Hey, there's more to me than you think!" Silly, but that's how I see it. But anyway, I think you could go deeper with things like the Taoist man, the evil man, the town. Just to make the story more plump and lively. PM me if you have any questions! Keep writing!

-comrie




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Fri Mar 06, 2015 9:13 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, mcar! Welcome to YWS~ I'm Wolfare and I'll be your first reviewer.

Alright, so to start this off, this is really, really short. The entire story could so very well take up a larger story, but this is so summarized, there isn't much meat to it. No emotion, and all of it just feels rushed. I'll start from the beginning.

The very first paragraph that is there is very, very large info dump. Everything is just spilled onto us without showing anything. It also isn't a very good hook. Why do we care about this man? Why do we care about anything in this story? The beginning of a story usually has to be gripping and pull us in, but this feels so bland. Nothing is happening and we're just being told what's what.

Next off, in the details you are giving to us, you specifically mention that he is a Taoist. Now, that's fine and dandy and I can get from the context that it's some kind of religion, but why does it matter? Why are people so against his beliefs? Is it just because they are different from everyone else's or perhaps because there is something in the Taoist religion that is supposedly bad compared to everything else? Even the fact that he's specifically Taoist appears to make him seem more peaceful, but is that part of the religion?

Now, this is very important to explain so that the reader can understand it more, but you don't want to just hand it to us, but instead incorporate it into the story. Perhaps have a scene with the man worshiping (or doing whatever Taoists do) to show these values to us. Have a scene where he is getting attacked by people who don't agree with him. Don't just tell it. Show it.

I'm not really a big fan on how tiny these towns are. This big bad man who gathers an army and terrorizes people doesn't really seem all that bad comparatively. He collects an army of 15 men, but normally armies are are in the hundreds, thousands. What he's doing now just seems like he's taking some men on a raid and then fleeing. Perhaps try to add more to that man.

Final thing is that your characters are really flat. We can only see one side of them. Throughout this entire story, the plot is guiding the characters and they don't really seem to have emotions and feeling of their own. It just feels bland. Try to work in some more meat into the story, with narrating out some events and showing us what the man is like and what shaped him to be this way. Show us his faults and his life story so he's not so one sided.

This was a nice little piece, but it can still use a lot of work. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~





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