Published March 30, 2013
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Hi, this is Bandgeek with a review! nThis was a great poem, with great rhymes and rhythm. I liked the topic,it was great. You had great figurative language, but try to check your punctuation in a few lines. Otherwise, amazing work!
The poem opens up by putting an
image of a person trying to come up
with a piece of literary work but is first confused and sacred cause he is confused about what to write.
'Plunging into it made me jittery'
Then he is seen to sit down and fall in tune with the poem then after a while he come's up with some thing good.
'Such were the stanzas so wizardry
Willy-nilly I dived into the intricacy...
Out of am amaglam but refurbished I winded up with something nearly
dynamic.'
Generally this poem is one that takes us through what almost all young and new writers go through which is the fear of mockery and scorn upon their work in a humorous manner. The agents which the poet uses to present these fears are the teachers and thestudents.
'The air shoaled up with mocking
laughter.'
Hello, mayyda! I see you're rather new, so welcome to YWS as well!
I shall be your reviewer tonight, so, shall we?
Now, first of all, I'm not a poet myself, and that might be why I really enjoyed this poem - those who know me may tell you I whine about not getting writing poetry all the time. So it's rather refreshing to see a poem actually talking about it. I will also, therefore, be reviewing this from that point of view.
Alright.
I think this was a nice opening. Frankly, poetry still seems bitter to me, lol, and here I see kind of a nice optimistic message. Apart from that, it's an interesting hook (and I take it, if novels need hooks, so do poems, for me at least) - it made me wonder what you'll say next, and what will happen next.
Hee hee hee.. I can imagine this really happening - I can even somewhat imagine this poem appearing in your mind as you wrote your first poem ever and actually handed it to the teacher. But that might be just my imagination, and you'll have to forgive it for running wild, it tends to do it c:
The last line and the third line from the bottom, those were things being said, yes? I would suggest you, maybe, making them italic - I played with the thought of making it proper speech, but it wouldn't fit well. However, I think italics would be rather nice here; to make it different yet similar enough.
...and a nice message in the end. I find that a good thing too - as much as I know, people like finding those in poems. Even though you say here that you ended it all, it somehow tells of not giving up, on every word counting, every effort being important. That's a lesson all writers should get, sooner or later, I believe.
All in all, I liked it, and I think you did a pretty good job. The rhythm was good, it flew nicely and I didn't notice it breaking at any point. As far as the rhymes go, I was skeptical at first (since, from my experience, poets tend to go too far when they put rhyming in their poems), but it was rather well done too.
The rhymes, however, were way better done in later verses than in the first one. You seemed to have payed less attention to the rhyming itself, and more to the flow of the poem and the way it all fit together, maybe. I can't tell if that is true, of course, but the rhymes in the first verse do seem a bit..forced, perhaps. You might want to reread it, or maybe compare one of the last verses with the first one - I'm rather sure you will see the difference I'm talking about.
Well, that would be it. I do hope I helped a bit.
See you around!
Aria~
I suppose i'm late with the reply but I found your review really supporting and encouraging at the same time
....... Thanks and I hope to grab your attention to my other poems too.
Hey May, I said I stopped by and here I am!
I'm fairly new at poetry, but I'm going to give this my best shot.
Alright. I actually like your rhyming, but you can tell sometimes that you're trying a tad too hard like in this line:
It's too obvious that you were trying to find a word that rhymes with intricacy.Wizardry is an noun, so that word doesn't really in this line at all.
I'm not really sure what the point of your poem here was. Were you trying to say how beautiful it was to write your first poetry or how awful your first poem was and how it marred your view of poetry from there on out?
I think you need to write down what you want it to say first and then worry about rhyming, not the other way around. As it is, it's very hard to understand. If you want me to go through a line by line with you, I would love to through PM or Writerfeed.
However, I didn't mind your rhyming at all. I thought at times it was clever and was always entertaining. Many people don't like structured poems, but I love them. I kind of respect you for being able to work so much rhyme into you poems. I can't without making it sound forced.
So, I hope this helped. If you have any questions PM me, chat me up, or hit up my wall.
Megsug
The poem opens up by putting an image of a person trying to come up with a piece of literary work but is first confused and sacred cause he is confused about what to write.
'Plunging into it made me jittery'
Then he is seen to sit down and fall in tune with the poem then after a while he come's up with some thing good.
'Such were the stanzas so wizardry
Willy-nilly I dived into the intricacy...
Out of am amaglam but refurbished
I winded up with something nearly dynamic.'
Generally this poem is one that takes us through what almost all young and new writers go through which is the fear of mockery and scorn upon their work in a humorous manner. The agents which the poet uses to present these fears are the teachers and the students.
'The air shoaled up with mocking laughter.'
Hey May!
Welcome to YWS I hope you are having a nice time. Okay so let me start reviewing your poem. I'll tell you the mistakes you made and how you could improve your work first then I'll go to the things that I like about your poem. Here goes:
1. I wouldn't put your title at the start of your poem.
2. I think you have to reduce the amount of rhymes.
3. You didn't put any full stops.
4. You should really make paragraphs so its easier for the reader.
Now to the parts that make sense and the things I like about your poem:
1. It's very funny.
2. Everything makes sense.
3. You've put some punctuation marks in.
That's it. Your poem was perfect except fr some things but other than that everything is perfect mashallah.
Thanks , but i need to know why not to put title on top and the rhyming thing.For sure i'l consider these points, for my next poem.