My best friend is myself. I am Loneliness. Some may mistake me for my brother, Despair or my sister, Fear. But Despair falls upon people unexpectedly like an earthquake that suddenly hits. Fear piles up to the point that you have no will to live your life. But I, Loneliness, slowly seeps in, creeping into your heart so you feel the same as I.
My view on life…What I think of others or how I even view them may seem distorted to an average person. What good is it if I make friends and lose them? That will only make me even lonelier.
If you fear being alone, you are not at my level, because you either are lonely or you are not.
My loneliness seeps out of my skin. In fact, the odor gives off such a strong aura that the others around me feel the loneliness-like the world will end if they go with another. They feel content because they are alone. That makes me happy.
Plip Plop The rain keeps pouring down…That is my sweet music…
I don’t dare ask others to lend me a hand to take me out of this Sea of Loneliness that is drowning me. What if they let go? That is the cruelest.
And so my loneliness piles up…
You ask about me...What I like? Oh, surely by now you know. The rain. I like the rain, and the gray clouds that come with it. The darkness…it is a better place for me- a blanket keeping me warm.
Do I love to talk you ask? Ha! Very little, I must say. The mere fact that I am talking to you is amazing! Either way, Loneliness, which is I, has no one to talk to…
Hmmm…you want me to describe myself and reveal my gender? True, after all, you can’t really see me in this darkness can you?
I am that of the female gender. My black hair is longer than a mountain’s height. My eyes are big, brown things that are slightly open half the time. And from being inside my home most of my life, I am very pale and thin.
And now, I dare say, it is time to say goodbye. Thank you for the interview…
I must sit here in my own loneliness that I have been doing for millions of years, even though it has been thousands.
Good night…or is it day outside?
*****
We had to personify for example, the Moon,Sun, Loneliness, Death, Beauty, Justice etc for a Creative Writing thing. So tell me what you think! Oh and we were allowed to add pictures
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I just wanna say I got a 98% on this! She took two points off cause i made a little grammatical error... "slowly seeps in", should be seep in...but I'm proud anyway because to get good grades on her essays for me is hard. I usually get Bs or As xD
Okay, Max! I'm here!
Sorry for the slight lateness but as you can recall, I've been busy.
Now, onward to the review!
Firstly, I'd like to say that I do enjoy your idea of "interview with loneliness", I think it's a clever way to go about and explain an emotion - and I would say creative but then again, it's a creative writing class, no?
This part right here is an example of what you've been doing throughout this piece. Making sentences longer when it's not necessary to do so. For example, this can easily be cut down to: "That will only make me lonelier."
Okay, yeah, we only cut out one word but it gives the sentence a bit more clarity than over-doing it with words. It'll become cluttered that way.
I do like some of the personifications that you used through your writing, however some were also a little over-done and you continued ongoing with it so it made me loose track of what was really being said. The truth behind your words, is another way to phrase that.
For example,
This there explains a little bit of on the perspective that loneliness doesn't want to make friends because it fears being even more lonely in turns leads to fear of oneself - in a weird way.
And then we have this, which is almost conflicting with what was stated above. Unless, I'm reading into it wrong, I can't be exactly sure but here it says it's happy when it's not supposed to be so we're driving into open waters with this.
The thing about personifying a human emotion is that you can't exactly have other emotions tangled up in there randomly, you'll have to figure out how happiness feeds the loneliness or vice-versa. That will prove to be a difficult task, I think. But I wish you the best on it if you decide to go further into that area.
All in all though, this really did have some nice metaphors and interesting phrases. I enjoyed reading it and although it's still a bit messy in some areas, it's still quite good and there's always room for improvement when called for. Anyway, I hope this review helped a little. I'm sorry if I was a little vague in this, my thoughts on your writing are also a bit vague so I can't be sure on where I'm headed. Anyway, continue writing and let me know if you have any further questions. ^^
All the best,
-Shear
Thank you for the review! It was helpful!
I will take out those lines like "Why do I need people?!" and fix what you said :3 Thank you very much XD We have to turn it in tomorrow to the teacher so just in time! Thanks! Great help
I'm glad the beginning actually catches your attention. That lets me know everything is fine there! I'm also glad you like those lines x3
i loved it. it was totally alluring. love the way it was made dramatic.
love the way you started it. it completely attracts the reader to keep reading on.
i dont think its necessary to personify loneliness here. it is after all Loneliness speaking herself.
"feel the loneliness" ?
this sentence sounds out of place.
for some unkonwn reason i love these lines.
on the whole i loved the story. that is some creativity up your sleeve.
hope i have been helpful in the review.
cheers
and keep writing!
-manisha
Yay Hope didn't give fluff XD
Oh the choppy paragraphs were done on purpose. She didn't specify we needed actualy paragraphs. I guess I was trying to make it...dramatic?
I tried giving the idea that Loneliness is being questioned by the reader...does that make sense?
Thank you for saying "Plip Plop The rain keeps pouring down..that is my sweet music" was poetic XD Aye I always have to add poetic stuff to things don't I? (not a literal question)
Thanks for the Review!
I really like some of the metaphors here! One thing I would change, is that it's a bit confusing how Loneliness speaks as though the reader is interviewing it. The paragraphs are a little short and choppy, but overall, nice work.
I really liked this line in particular: "Plip Plop The rain keeps pouring down…That is my sweet music… "
Really poetic!