It’s… raining? I thought to myself as I slowly came to. The smell of rain always pleased me. The constant pitter patter of raindrops on the cobblestone was something I grew to love. But there was something different this time. I began to realize that I was lying on the ground. My head started spinning as I tried to sit up. I felt a sharp pain shoot through my neck and the back of my head. I fancied I hit the ground somehow. But what happened? Where was I?
I went into my trouser pocket and pulled out my badge. At least I didn’t get robbed of this old thing, I thought. It was a circular piece of brass with an eagle on it. It didn’t look like much, but it meant a lot to me. The words “General Oscar Crowne” spanned across the badge. “At least I know who I am!” I said to myself, as if to somehow lessen my confusion.
It was dark outside, but it wasn’t late. Dark… it was starting to come back to me now! I was going home from a meeting with the Colonel. It must have been past 9 p.m. I remembered seeing two men running across the street and turning into an alley. I decided to follow them. I know what curiosity did to the cat, but I figured I had better luck. My memory was still foggy, but I remembered seeing something very strange. The two men opened some kind of… portal! It was as if they made an entrance to another place! I couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on. My best guess at the moment was that I went through that portal too. But where did it take me?
I decided to investigate. I got up slowly, trying to ignore the pain in my head. As I approached one of the main streets, I realized that I was still in Remstock! Even though it was my own city, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. As I walked down the street, something very unusual caught my attention… my own reflection in the window of a building. The closer I got to the window, the more I could not believe my eyes! I didn’t look like myself. I looked like a completely different person! I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. There was only one question running through my mind at the time…
Who am I?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there. What's up! Here's a review for you representing Red Writing Hood on this February 2014 Review Day!
Overall, this was a nice little story. I was very entertained and I could easily picture everything that was happening here. I can tell that you put a lot of thought into this. Sometimes, when people write firsts person narratives, they don't really consider the ins-and-outs of a character. (personality, etc.) And sometimes it can be difficult for them to effectively present a well-rounded character to the audience in such a short work of literature. Here, however, I think you did so flawlessly. I can tell you knew exactly how you wanted the general to come across here. Dutiful and witty, but not complacent. I also liked the way you ended the story. That last line is awesomeness. It really makes me want to find out what happened to him and why. There are a lot of unanswered questions here, but I think you intended that, so good job.
The only thing I would suggest to you here is that you expand on it a little bit and offer some more description of what happened the night before. As it is, the story still makes sense, but I feel like it'd be more entertaining if you blew it up a little bit. (no pun intended.) Maybe just take a second look and revise the memory scene a little bit more?
Aside from that, this was nicely written and very well executed. I could actually feel the suspense here. Good job!
I hope this helps you should you decide to revise this story. Happy Review Day and never stop writing! ;D
Hey!
This is a very introspective work.
To be honest, it is kind of hard to follow.
The grammar and punctuation at the opening is a little bit sketchy: 'It’s… raining? I thought to myself as I slowly came to. The smell of rain always pleased me.'
It would be better if it read something like: 'It's raining. The smell of rain had always pleased me.' It's just easier to read. Less disjointed. The rest of the work however, follows this pattern, so at least it is consistent.
The voice in the piece itself is very ambiguous:
eg. 'I decided to investigate. I got up slowly, trying to ignore the pain in my head.' It relies compltely on the thoughts and comments of the protagonist, who the reader doesn't really know at all by the end of the piece.
And there is no description of them to go on. So the reader is doing a lot of the imaginative part instead of it being present in the writing and this detracts from the overall quality of the reading experience.
Umm... I did like this work. The ending question 'Who am I?' was rather ironic actually... because, as the reader: I have absolutely no idea who this person is. XD
~BSF
I like this short story! A General who has temporary amnesia wakes up and realizes he is in another world and the shocking part is that he's in another man's body. I guess, it was a stupid idea for Oscar Crowne to have ventured into the alley. If he hadn't, then he would've gotten to his meeting with the colonel. If he did avoid the incident, then, I guess, he wouldn't have started an adventure in a strange new world. Another thing, the way you portrayed the general in another man's body reminded me of the show "Quantum Leap."
This is a very interesting short story and I recommend that it should be a full fledged novel. The way it's written is about 99.9% flawless, with some overuse of punctuation, and the storyline is very creative. I hope you keep on writing.