The day started well. He had felt a curious sense of calm as he rocked out of the Tempur-pedic, flossed his teeth twice, and made eggs, two of which he fed to the turtle. Six capsules went down with eight ounces of fruit punch, and in a bathrobe, he sat down at his 1963 Remington, and began to type.
By eleven, he had checked email at that infernal laptop. His agent had signed him up for a gig: some ridiculous Christmas farce they were filming next spring. Did he truly look old enough to be that heifer’s grandfather? Sure, she was a Disney starlet, but she was twenty-seven. That was just an insult.
Afternoon brought those Asian cleaning ladies around. In accordance, he locked his underwear drawer, where he kept his most precious treasures. Those cleaning people stole everything. Just last week, he noticed two small ornamental statues missing in the foyer, and two months prior, he saw them leave with the vacuum!
Four tablets were swallowed with eight ounces of fruit punch.
At three, he took a shower in the guest bath, and under the water, realized that he’d forgotten a towel. He exited nude and dripping, but for a hand towel lain across his hairy shoulder, and startled a woman with a feather duster on his way to the bedroom. He dressed quickly in a Chinese print button down and slacks, and promptly left.
His driver had the day off, so he drove himself to the hospital. That evening, he would be hosting the black tie opening of its new psychiatric wing.
Seventy doctors, a gaggle of nurses, and the press cheered as he cut the ribbon and led the group inside. Pictures were taken, champagne was passed around, his decade old Oscars were celebrated. The place was beautiful, with walls of glass, botanical gardens, and non-offensive artwork. It put him in a festive mood. He even posted a selfie with the top doc.
On the drive home, lights raced past him smearing like a color palate, and he thought of his wife, who was a painter. She’d be home by now. He looked at his wrist, to check the time, and nearly ran off the road. His watch was gone. Those cleaners! They must have gotten into his underwear drawer after all. Or, perhaps someone at the event had stolen it. There had been quite a lot of drink going around...
As soon as he screeched into the driveway, he ran to his bureau and removed his treasure: seven precious watches, in twenty-four karat gold, in platinum, in diamond. Now, he had a duty to fulfill. He wrapped them delicately in various undergarments, tucked them in a hat, and drove off once more.
His friend took them in like orphans, as he knew she would. He didn’t stay longer than a quick exchange on her door mat. And then he left for home.
Who could you trust in this world? His life was an abyss that swallowed up his blockbuster hits, his fortune, his happiness. Where were the award shows now? Where was the gratitude?
He dressed for bed, pondering this, and kissed his wife on the cheek. She was reading, and smiled at him as he explained that he didn’t want to miss the Tonight show.
Then he went to the bathroom. He did not take his pills.
His hands yearned for a razor blade. What they found was a small pair of scissors.
The next morning, every news headline read: BROCK BOWER, 61, FOUND DEAD IN HIS LOS ANGELES HOME.
©MK
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140,627 Literary Works • 673,567 Reviews
Hello,
I really liked that the first paragraph shows that he wakes up'calm' and that you could tell that you might say he is 'rich' It was really a surprise when you took down the capsules, It shows that even though he may seem to be a happy person but in reality he's is as you may say upset. I liked that you added the fact that 'His friend took them in like orphans, as he knew she would. He didn’t stay longer than a quick exchange on her door mat. And then he left for home.' It's showing that she just wanted what he was giving to her. I liked the whole story.
It was a shock when he took his own life. It was really sad.
Great Work..!!
Hello WeirdGrace,
Firstly, I'd like to compliment you on your username. It's very cute, and memorable!
Thank you for your kind review! I'm glad you enjoyed reading my piece. I appreciate your observations and thoughtful feedback, and look forward to seeing your work on YWS!
Have a great day.
-mav
Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com
Okay...wow. The title and description should've implied this, but the ending to this story was incredibly surprising, and dramatic (I mean...wow, things actually looked semi-decent for him, and it all goes down the drain in such a short time). Well done, mavisknightly! I'm simply amazed at the way that you conveyed this piece of flash fiction, and how you developed each of the scenes in your story through your careful and skillful usage of appropriate descriptions. Mr. Bower and his personality comes to life in this event-by-event description of his final day on Earth, particularly when it comes to the protection of the watches that he holds dear, his thoughts on the movie deal, and his relative happiness at being at a place that resembles his old fame and fortune. He seems like a decent, honest man, if stricken by a sadly unconquerable depression (I imagine that's what the pills were for, right?), and the sight of his life having long ago passed, and I felt my heart going out for him as the climax of the story was reached. Yes, your ability to sway the emotions of your audience seems to be top-notch here, as I was certainly affected by it. Nevertheless, you made your point soundly on the consuming nature of depression, and in a way that was better than I could've hoped for, given this was such a relatively short narrative. So, when it comes to your theme and characterization, great job!
I also approve of your writing style. You manage to write in a concise yet informative fashion, and adhere to proper English rules in your spelling and grammar skills. Each component of Brock's day slides by in a matter-of-fact fashion that emphasizes the typicality of what is by no means a typical life, although he may not see it as such, and in such a way that I could clearly see what was happening. Too, I like the multitudes of hints that you scattered about concerning his depression. From the start, I could tell that this story would not have a happy ending, given how strangely calm and resolute, as he noted himself, he was feeling. Learning about the movie, and the fact that the actress is 27 and he's supposed to play her grandfather, I could tell that he certainly wasn't quite happy about his youth having gone by. However, as I mentioned before, his life by the middle of the story seemed to have been getting better, even if he feared theft from the cleaning ladies. I didn't exactly suspect that anything was going to happen to him, in spite of his fear pertaining to the watches. Then again, perhaps the way that he calmly handed such keepsakes over to a friend should've made me wonder what he was planning on doing, given how much he seemed to care about them. Nevertheless, the ending was as visually stunning as it was heartbreaking, and definitely something I could not have easily expected. I'm probably just repeating everything I say at this point, but perhaps the greatest component of your story was your ability to make it meaningful, emotional, unexpected, and evocative, all in such a short length.
Yes, all in all, I loved reading this story from start to finish. Well done! Your skills as a writer are amazing, and I'm impressed. May your future writing endeavors be as successful as this one!
Hello TheSilverFox,
What wonderful feedback for a writer to receive! Thank you so much for your enthusiastic and encouraging review. I was a bit worried, this being my first flash-fiction attempt, that I could convey what needed to be conveyed for a convincing story in such a short medium. I am ecstatic that you enjoyed this work as much as you did.
I appreciate your careful observations and constructive thoughts, and look forward to seeing your work on YWS!
Have a great day.
-mav
Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com
Hey there, mavisknightley! I absolutely love flash fiction so I couldn't skip over this when I saw it in the Green Room. And I have to say that you didn't disappoint.
I reckon you should have 'his' in front of 'email', just something to get the sentence flowing better. 'Checked' and 'email' don't quite link together well.
So well done! I enjoyed reading this.
The day started well. He had felt a curious sense of calm as he rocked out of the Tempur-pedic, flossed his teeth twice, and made eggs, two of which he fed to the turtle. Six capsules went down with eight ounces of fruit punch, and in a bathrobe, he sat down at his 1963 Remington, and began to type.
Even though a story is super short, the introduction is still super important. It's the thing that will engage me and keep me reading. Your beginning paragraph did just that; you introduced me to the world and I was able to get to know your character, just by his morning routine.
By eleven, he had checked email at that infernal laptop.
I found a nitpick.
His friend took them in like orphans, as he knew she would. He didn’t stay longer than a quick exchange on her door mat. And then he left for home.
The transitions between scenes are excellent. You skip right through his day, never giving more than a few sentences to each scene. But every important detail is mentioned, nothing is left out. And it all comes together to create a really impacting short story.
The next morning, every news headline read: BROCK BOWER, 61, FOUND DEAD IN HIS LOS ANGELES HOME.
The ending makes sense, what with everything that happened leading up to it. But I was still surprised, shocked, and felt a little sad. Obviously that was your goal as the writer.
Hello Dracula,
Thank you so much for your kind feedback! I'm so glad that you enjoyed this piece.
I'll be sure to take a look at the 'email' sentence advisory.
Actually, per your last paragraph, my goal as a writer was not to shock the reader with Brock's ending. I was admittedly worried, given my clues throughout the story, that his death would be obvious! I guess that's not the case, haha.
Thanks again, for your thoughts on this piece.
Have a great day!
-mav
Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com