[pre]The Wind
So maybe this is what I want,
or maybe I've just lied to myself enough
that I'm convinced it is.
I wonder why I've stopped caring,
about everyone
and everything.
Maybe this is what I want.
I've dropped myself out of life
and I've to fall.
I'm falling,
I'm falling.
The wind is screaming at my self-destruction
It says, "Stick and stones may break your bones,
but you destroy yourself."
I'm falling,
I'm falling.
I'm waiting for the impact.
Waiting for the drop.
I guess I haven't landed yet,
anybody want to place any bets?
And when I land I wonder if it will be smooth
or come to a screeching violent halt.
Who wants to bet on it?
I hope somebody clears the runway
because I'm coming in,
and no one's in the watch tower
so I've got nothing to say.
The wind is still screaming at my self-destruction
It keeps saying "Sticks and stones may break your bones,
but you destroy yourself.
You destroy yourself. You destroy yourself. You destroy yourself.
And words will never hurt you.
[/pre]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with the two people above when it comes to the repetition. You could take the "I'm falling" line(s) out completely, and the poem would flow so much better.
Thankfully this manages to be more coherent and polished than the average emo poem, but it is still an "emo poem" in that it's very self-absorbed and not terribly original.
You want to avoid stuff like this. If you can piece it together from the rotting heaps of similar poetry on various teenage internet forums, you shouldn't write it. Why take words from other people when you can write something that comes from you?Being original.
Be specific. If that involves telling a story or going off on a tangent, then do it if it'll make your speaker sound unique, sound like a real person rather than someone out of a teen novel.
This is better because you create this airplane metphor and expand on it with the watch tower mention.
Repetition. I'm ambivalent on this. Sometimes you used it very well, but at other times it was just annoying...like in the second-to-last line. Don't use repetition just for repetition's sake--use it because it's really going to make the poem better.
Good luck!
-Colleen
This is a really good poem. Kind of creepy. The main concept of this story is very well portrayed. But you want to know what killed it? The repetition. Like bubblewrapped said, repetition can emphasis a certain idea or trait, but in your case, the less repetition the better. I think this would be better in the Lyrics category (For songs.)
I partially agree with bubbles suggestion. The second stanza was your strongest. But I think taking out the first stanza would have an effect (but not a major one.) With the first stanza, you explain the topic better and thus becomes a way to explain the poem.
Fix those problems and you're good to go. This was a really good poem.
Hi there!
First off, welcome to YWS! Please remember to keep your review to post ratio at roughly 2:1
Secondly - the poem. I absolutely love that last line: it has a great impact and really helps underscore your meaning. However, the rest of the poem bothers me.
My main issue is with your repetition. Some repetition can enhance a poem, bringing the same idea through so that it is coherent and linking stanzas/ideas together. Unfortunately, in my opinion this repetition is of the type that really harms your message, perhaps because it is over-used. The persistent sounding of the same note made the rest of the poem seem hollow, as through no matter how many other words you put in there, it al came back to just one concept that was not embellished upon.
I think the second verse is the strongest for that reason; the repetition is lessened and used to enhance the ending. I could almost see you cutting out the first stanza altogether without any negative effect. So my advice would be to work on that; lessen the repetition a little and explore the concept you have here a little further, so it doesn't just feel like you're trying to dress something up that could be said in a sentence or two.
Cheers,
~bubbles