(No Title Yet) Chapter 1

Hey Mateeah3! I decided to backtrack and crit this one! Let's do it.

mateeah3 wrote:Woo! I finally post something new! I'm not sure if it is very good yet because I wrote it really fast, but feel free to rip it apart.


Chapter One

Her body was shaking violently, like there was an earthquake inside of her. Her sharp sapphire eyes gazed up at me in pain and sadness, as she slowly let go of the last seconds of her short life I don't really like the part where you say let go of the last seconds of her short life. It just didn't sound right to me. I like the "purple prose" but it doesn't really work here .

I knew I could do nothing. All that I could do was watch her beautiful, mascara streaked face quiver with sorrow Insert comma knowing she wouldn’t last much longer. Looking at her face crushed me; [s]I knew[/s] the twelve years I’d known her would be all I would associate with her name I know what I wrote here isn't perfect or good sounding at all, but the sentence felt incomplete and a bit repetitive so I tried to fix it. Feel free to change it . Our plans of growing up together were slipping away as her fingers weakened and began to let go of the slick ladder. Just wondering, but instead of just staring at her friend in horror, shouldn't Lace be trying to help her? Just thinking because that would be the logical thing to do unless their was a barrier of some sort between them

Anna’s fingers gave out. She tried to get her other arm over to keep holding on, but she acted [s]was[/s] too late. She started to plummet into the darkness, and I could hear a faint call,

“We’ll always be together!”

I shook my head violently to wash away the memory [s]that always came back to me[/s]. Whenever I was reminded of that day [s]did[/s], I hated it, and could never keep back the tears. I could not even think of something that was more horrible than seeing your best friend die. But what made it worse was that Anna was more than a best friend to me. She was my sister. The one person I told everything to, and the one who comforted me when I was going through hard times in my life. Anna would always be there for me, and I would always be there for her. Watching Anna fall was like watching every bit of happiness in my life plummet into darkness [s]fall[/s]. Even though it happened [s]was[/s] two years ago [s]that it happened[/s], every other day the remembrance flashes through my head. Though I was lucky to be able to get through it, by the help of my other best friend, and Anna’s too, Patrick.

I stared up at my plain white ceiling, trying to keep the tears in. My attempt failed, and a tear started forming in my eye The single tear haha, it's kind of a joke that runs around these websites, but the emo tear of doom and sadness. When people cry, usually they cry more than one tear so I suggest saying that tears cascaded down her face or something . I wiped it away instantly and tryed to fill my head with happier thoughts.

Suddenly my little brother Hayden came dashing into my room,

“Lacey, will you take Dashil and me to the park?” he asked,

I sighed. “I don’t really feel like –”

“Please! Please, please, please!” He begged,

“Go by yourself.”

“You know we can’t! We can only go with you! Please Lacey. We have nothing else to do and we really, really, really want to.”

“Err. Fine.” I groaned.

“Thanks! Hurry and get ready.” He said, noticing I was still in my pajamas, “when you’re ready insert comma come downstairs.”

Hayden spun around, and I heard his feet thump down the stairs and tell Dashil the good news. I sighed, and[s] lazily [/s]got off my bed. Outside there was a layer of thick gray clouds in the sky, so I dressed in my rain boots and raincoat and headed downstairs.

Dashil and Hayden were already by the door, waiting for me. Seeing me, Dashil jumped to reach the doorknob and pushed the door open. We trudged through the mud on our way to the park.

Once we got there, I was not surprised to see no other kids there. It wasn’t a very nice day out. Hayden and Dashil cheered and waddled to the playground. I sat on a nearby bench and watched them play for a little bit. About a half hour later, they were ready to go and started to walk back. When I got up to follow, my cell phone fell out of my pocket and landed on the bench. As I bent down to pick it up, I noticed words carved into the [s]bench[/s] wood that read bottom wasn’t death. My mouth fell open and my heart started pounding out of my chest as I recognized Anna’s handwriting.




Well, what do you think?!

Wonderful job! *claps*

Other than what Paw already mentioned, nothing really caught my eye as being a typo or something.

I liked the flashback, and how you used that.
Great job!
-Buggs

This was pretty good. I liked it.
I especially loved how you started the chapter. It caught my attention right away.

Anna would always be there for me, and I would always be there for her.