Love has no escape

I like it. I feel like there is potential. I don’t think it is at its best, but I think with a like work it can become great. I really like how you ended it. There are probably a lot of good advice from the people who have already posted so I won’t go into much detail about anything in particular but I will tell you what I thought of it so that it might help you better grasp you poem. I think there should be stanza breaks if just for the words to sink in and the reader to pause for a breath. I also get the overall impression that it has been done before. Some of the comparisons were old and felt used and cheep. Just from your ending, which I liked, I felt you could do better and better grasp this poem. I know what you’re trying to do and hopefully that helps. I like the ominous feeling that over all come off of it. I also feel that you’re trying too hard to make some things rhyme when in other places it falls short. The overall feeling is that it jerks and rolls about in my mouth and never falls into a consistent rhythm. I really hope this will be improved and one day might be included in a poetry book. (Everyone buys poetry books about love). Keep writing and improving!

Hey Rainy!

I loved it and there was a lot of creativity in the writing. ^^ There was a lot of darkness, and that cursing of love which was marvelous!

Let me start off in general. That would be better. So, when we talk about the whole poem, things I've liked are:

-How you describe the poem.
-Your opinions to it.
-A different topic to write on.

What I disliked is:

-You lacked in the flow of the poem.
-The lines of the poem. (i.e; some were short and some were long)

Okay, so let's start off.

"Turn your back and walk away
Fight off the tears and pretend you are brave
A dagger through the heart
And you find a new love dead"

I think here you might just as well have arranged the lines here. Like the last two lines in the first and the first two lines replaced by them because then, it would have made a lot of more sense. It would actually have made a small story of break up like you were hurt first, but you were brave enough to walk away. The second line was too long for this stanza.


"Maybe if you listened to the words
before they were said
Try to hold on
Or take one last stand"

These two lines were extremely confusing. I didn't understand it at all. I want you to know that, in a poem you mustn't leave the reader in confusion and in thoughts just like you have left me. Its kind of disturbing when you don't understand something in a poem. The last two lines were really nice and meaningful when you look at it alone.


"Because that cold painful breath
Reminds us why we're there
the way that we're used
Like loves sacrifice"

Its "love's". Just a grammatical mistake.

I loved this stanza because the cursing and feelings really came out well! Good work!


"Hide if you wish, but your time can come twice.
Escaping its embrace so tender and loud
Makes us all wish we were deafened by its sound."

These three lines were the biggest in this whole of the poem. That's why the poem looks kind of a little untidy. But I love the way you're instructing and advising the person. It gives us information that you are experienced! So, nice on that.


" So take it by the hand
But never let it close
Although, if you're lucky.
Love is nothing but the shadow of a ghost.
"

And of course, excellent ending! ESPECIALLY, the last line. But here too, you must have interchanged the last two lines with the first two to make it more realistic. Lovely job done.

Overall: I enjoyed reading this piece and it tells me that you're a great writer! xD I think you've experienced love, and now you don't like it too much? But anyway, whatsoever it is, I loved it! I'll be looking forward to more of your works! I'll rate this a 8/10.

Keep Writing, love ~

Cookie

Heya Mascara! Love the piece, so I'll render a short, but, as I believe, a helpful review for some stuff that needs to be fixed in the piece.

First is about formats, capitalization and punctuation. I know it matters lesser in this post, but it matters greatly in publishing. The title, of course, needs proper capitalization. Capitalize verbs, nouns and pronouns. Next in the piece. You don't need to capitalize every line, you know. Maybe after every period, but not much on every line .

Now on the form and style. A one stanza poem of average length; fine with me! The way each line was cut is also great; it doesn't hang the reading, but it's still interesting to read. You also interchanged structures in some lines, which is an important element of a poem. About the idea, well, it's a bit cliche as it is one of the most common concepts of a poem, but it is written in a very innocent mood which makes it unique compared to others. So all-in-all, I did enjoy reading the piece and finding the idea you want to exemplify !

The only thing which I think needs to be checked upon by you as the author, is how you told the poem. I know it's a narrative/dramatic one, but that shouldn't stop you from expressing emotion. For example:

Because that cold painful breath
Reminds us why we're there
the way that we're used