Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Well before we get started here, I do have to say that this is on behalf of the checklist challenge and that I don't normally review poetry. I'm just going to be mostly providing the impressions that I have on the piece, because I'm really not the greatest when it comes down to the more technical side of things here.

Okay...so right off the bat the title and the sort of on the surface meaning seems to be suggesting this person is simply taking about toys and their movement. Its seems almost straightforward if you don't think too far, and there's a sense that its going to be something rather simple going on here, but of course as is usually the case with poems, if you think about things a bit more, things start to get a little concerning rather quickly with the somewhat deeper connotations of this.

You get the feeling that our writer here is talking about someone who is perhaps going through a bit of a rough patch in life and you get the idea that perhaps this person as a result isn't taking care of themselves too well. And then the comparison to these toys really make things sound a lot more concerning as we can see this person who has sort of given up themselves and is sort of just barely moving through life. It really creates a powerful effect here and I think the repetition you employ here really plays quite a big role in that.

Overall, I think you really created quite a powerful piece here, with an almost whimsical meaning up on the surface, but with something so much more powerful there towards the end.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

each of the stanzas were it's own separate work - i was hoping you'd tie them in at the end, but you didn't. perhaps you could consider it? otherwise, the imagery and comparisons were perfect, albeit a little repititious. all in all, all you had to do was unite on the poem...and perhaps delete a couple of redundant words at the beginning of each stanza.

To me this poem is original and creative. I don't really like the fact that you're comparing with toys though!
Then again that's where it's original - not many people write poems comparing people with toys!

Thank you'se all! I really was stuck on it and all your comments help. I shall change it soon. "You" started off as my friend, cos I was watching her in Aikido (martial art) class and noticed how limp and awkward she was with the movements. Then I realized it was almost a metaphor for her life. And the other ones...they just sorta appeared. No one in particular. Just...I thought it needed a few more stanzas

I really liked it. Especially how you compared to toys. The details were good, yet very subtle. Just wondering: When you wrote this, what were you comparing? Who is you? Just out of interest...

I, personally, liked the sing songyness lol. I think it fits, even though the poem is somewhat...not so happy, because all the comparisons are toys. I think it plays into the poem very well because it's sort of like a lullaby and you get this nursery feeling. And it really struck me more as sad than as dark. I get more of a gray/blue feeling than a black feeling and in poetry, gray and black are very different colors. The rhythms in the last halves of the stanzas are off, but i'd keep the first halves. The first stanza is my favorite, i think it's a great opening "someone didn't stitch you right" really sets the mood. "music-box girl" doesn't really flow...the box girl part kind of takes the sing songy ness away, and whether or not you keep the sing songyness (lol, galatea i think you've invented a word) it should be consistent. I really think part of the rhythm problem is, lol you're gonna laugh at me, but i really think it has a lot to do with the second adjective in the second line of each stanza. At the end I feel like I'm being left without closure. It just kind of stops abruptly. I could see you keeping the "always the rhythm" and then adding "always..." the something else, or maybe even just "always the rhythm" twice could work playing as an rhythm example itself. mm...i think that's it. I really liked it though and with a little tweaking it could be fantastic, lots of potential here. -penny

I feel as though part of your problem with rhythm is steming from your repition of the last words in the first and second lines of each stanza. It makes it sing songy, and this piece strikes me as being too dark to be sing songy. I would recommend either incorporating the description that each of the second lines provides into the first or eliminating the second line all together. I really like the darkness of this piece. It reminds me of an evil Jack in the Box or a Harliquin Clown or some other creepy child's toy.