Published February 11, 2013
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140,108 Literary Works • 673,015 Reviews
Hey, maryletsflyaway! Let's see If I can whip you up a half decent.
This poem was fairly good, even if a little vague.
I enjoyed the second person PoV that you included in it and thought that that made it seem all the more interesting.
However, I also think that this piece of wiriting would sound a little better if you added a little more information about why the narrator is poor and maybe what it is that she (?) regrets doing in the past with this mysterious "Other Character."
I agree with Dogs when it comes to "polishing up" the piece to make it sound a little smoother and easier to read and enjoy.
Overall I like this piece and the way that you finished it off.
Keep Writing
-ToBeMe-
Hello, Maryletsflyaway. I want to review your work now, so hope I do it well
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Well, there are some things that remained unclear, regarding what they did, why she does regret, why he might left her, or was he the reason she is dead poor now.
But in general, I liked it, Something can touch inside of me, but still other things made me think why and how ?!!
We need more about the character.
Keep it up, Girl
Have a nice day
Ilham
Hello there Mary! Dogs here with your review. Ok so I like the idea of this piece that your writing, although I think that it doesn't clearly support all the thing's your narrator has done for this un known person. It only describes how poor your narrator is and how she has one side that's slightly shorter than the other.
On a separate note, I looovveee your opening, great way to bring in the reader with excellent imagery. Well done there. I think your title is a little generic though, I really think that you should change it out with maybe "yellow curtains" or "yellow bangs" something that draws the readers attention more.
Ok so lets get in a little more to the rhythm aspect of your poem. So you need to strength the rhythm of your writing, especially in poetry, to make it read smoother. So when you say: as I glance shamefully at my own/ reflection" you should add more of the first line into the second line. So maybe try saying: "As I glance shamefully/ at my own reflection" visually it will look better and it'll sound smoother when you read it out loud.
"because I can no longer/ afford my own"
This seems like a very un poetic way to state that line. It seems like your just saying it in a normal conversation. I want the wonderful writing and style you had in the first couple lines with the bangs as curtains. You need to apply that imagery and what not to the rest of your writing.
So apart from what I already adressed in the beginning, I really don't have much else to say about this piece. It's quite good to be honest, but certainly needs some brushing up and polishing, but than it'll be on the road to perfection. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh