Published January 11, 2013
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Hi Mary!
So I really rather like this poem! You have a good tone and I think you have a good story going on here. I hear the two narrators going on – at least I hope there are two narrators going on. I feel like this is almost a love triangle between 1, 2 and the ‘she’ mentioned in both. If both poems are the one person, then I think they’re too dissimilar? They feel like separate people to me, and I think it works really well like that.
I think you have an issue with line breaks, particularly in 1. Line breaks aren't really talked about in schools and I think people often don’t have a handle on them. The problem is that poems aren't read the same way as prose. When you read prose you move smoothly from one line to the next without much thought. In poetry, while you still need to have that smooth transition, you also need to be able to read the line as a line, it should be its own entity. When you end lines with weak words in poetry it’s distracting and takes away from the strength and power of your poem. I’m going to provide an example or two below, they’re just examples to give you an idea. You don’t have to do them this way, but they are how I’d choose.
These sections are stronger now, with more focus and with a bit more strength in each line. We pause a little before we hit the next line and so they take on this extra level of consideration.
I enjoy the differences between 1 and 2. I think the line breaks in 2 also need a lot of work, but your use of start and middle and end work toward the ungainly style for this poem. I want to suggest you move the first ‘now’ down a line, keeping the period, to create a double meaning, but those kinds of tricks aren't for everyone. I wouldn't split at “hideous” that’s a useless break, I think. And I’d lose the 8 am, because it’s the first introduction of time and we don’t want that. We want it to be always after the train. The train event is the only important event in our poetry lives at the moment. There is no time but after the train, and that feels right. And if I may suggest again a little line break movement here:
You have two strong poems here, with strong voices and a solid concept and I really like them. Well, I’d really like them if you fixed up those line breaks. Other than that, I do rather like them. You've done a great job here.
Thank you for the read. If you have any questions, queries or just want to chat, please hit me up!
~ Pen.
Hey there!
Overall I felt that the structure of this poem was confusing. The sentences were split up far too much, and the flow became very disrupted. Combine the whole sentences and then skip to the next line for the second verse.
I don't really think the brackets are needed for phrases "after the train". In fact since the title relates to the poem talking about events after the train, use the "after the train" as the main verse and have it as a line by itself. I think that would add a greater impact to the poem.
In the first stanza you started the verses with "I knew I was in love with you". But for the last verse you used "She woke up too that morning". Keep it consistent. The last verse could have been rephrased as.
I knew I was in love with you
When you woke up that morning
Also why did you use she at the last part when all along you were referring to "you"? This is what confuses me.
After reading the second stanza properly and finally understanding it's meaning. I have to say this. You have to make it slightly clearer with your words. I had to re read it a few times before I finally got the meaning. Now either I'm just slow or the stanza isn't worded properly. I don't know if the format of the poem was meant to be such or when you posted it it became like this. Either way it's good to reformat it, so the reader can feel the flow of the poem much easier. It's a little awkward to pause at the end and skip to the next line. Also the brackets make it harder to read and understand. It's fine as it is without the bracketed words.
Overall I get this poem, but only after awhile. It's a good start though, and I would like to see more!
Hope my review helped!
To be clear, I am talking about two very different people in this poem. There is the she that woke up and died, and then there is the you, or the person that the speaker is in love with.