Our Room

Hey Mary!

You need to focus on the conflict more. The scenery and her hair, etc., is all fine and good, but it clutters up the beginning with what's really important, which is the juxtaposition of her past life to the new one. This is the most important part of the story, so you really need to emphasize it! It will hook the reader in and make them more curious than any nudity would ever do. So, because it's so important, you need to make sure that you show and not tell these important things. For instance:

We had been staying in this room for days. I had become a new person in this room and the thought of leaving frightened me. I didn’t want to go back to the person I used to be, callous and cold. No one wanted to touch me then. I lived for nothing, my body only functioning because it was not dead, my heart only beating because I was too coward to stop it.

Ummm, yeah. This isn't a very good story. Not very intence, or powerful. I dislike it. You need to work on your spelling, and grammar. You need to make this story more powerfull and better in general. Maybe if you used more detail and made it powerfull it would be better. I also think you should make a more intence story, with better characters, and less boring parts. You had too many pauses, and blank parts, that just weren't good enough. Try again. I think if you wrote a new and similar story, and took all of these reviews in, then you could make a much nbetter alternative to this story. I think this story will be much, much better with just a little bit more effert. Better luch next time I guess.

Uhm, yeah the spelling...

Hey,
It could use alot of work!!! Not just in spelling but it needs more discription!!! Things such as...

"My body was half covered with the whiteness of the sheets"
"The sleek white sheets covered the lower part of my body, from the waist down"

"I was stuck in my thoughtfulness"
I was stuck deep in my motionless thoughts"

"I could feel my heart beating now and it felt strong, warm"
"My heat pounded though my chest now, it was like a purring lion, strong, and warm"

ECT!!! ECT!!! ECT!!!

It could use alot of work (like a previously said )
I hope this helped...

Thank you all again, I'm hoping to post the next part soon.

I really do like it!Its just that you I think you should put more description of the main characters situation you know?Plus,in the beginning there seems to be a bit of repetition.I think you should keep writing on!

Wow. You've got me hooked, you just need to develop the characters.

maryletsflyaway wrote:I was lying there naked. The light coming through the window was golden, warming my body from the previously cold night. My body was half covered with the whiteness of the sheets, while the other half was exposed to the warming air. My BLOND hair surrounded my head like some sort of mane, it too glowing from the sunrise. I was perfectly content in every way.

I had been awake for a long time, but I did not sit up and I did not move. I was stuck in my thoughtfulness and I was attempting to hold myself in this strange moment forever.

We had been staying in this room for days. I had become a new person in this room and the thought of leaving frightened me. I didn’t want to go back to the person I used to be, callous and cold. No one wanted to touch me then. I lived for nothing, my body only functioning because it was not dead, my heart only beating because I was too coward to stop it.

I could feel my heart beating now and it felt strong, warm. I was something tangible that somebody wanted to feel and love. My skin was touchable, my face lovable; I was radiant when I was like this. I was radiant when I was with him.

I finally looked out the window and was able to see the beauty of the morning. Through the window, the countryside expanded in every direction, fields of green and gold, enticing children and lovers. I thought of his brown hair, the curve of his nose, his lips peeling into a beam like light, illuminating all of me.

I had not expected this change, and I had not expected to be entranced, to fall like I had when I was a child. In a short amount of time, I had felt as if I had grown old, lost touch of myself. All of myself. I had trapped myself alone in frivolity and decadence, the antithesis to the moment I was experiencing now. People had become frightened of me, my severity. I was nothing.

Pushing back on my elbows, I sat up, smiling. I pulled the sheet up to cover the upper half of my body in case anyone had decided to start their morning work early. I didn’t want to compromise myself to any field hand. I looked towards the archway into the larger room beyond, my husband appearing, and he too was smiling.

This was so well written! I felt like I was sitting at Barns & Noble, not YWS! =)
Well done! It definitely is interesting enough to make the reader want more!

Hello, Mary.

The light coming through the window was golden, warming my body from the previously cold night. My body was half covered with the whiteness of the sheets, while the other half was exposed to the warming air.

My blonde blond hair surrounded my head like some sort of mane, it too glowing from the sunrise.

We had been staying in this room for days. I had become a new person in this room and the thought of leaving frightened me.

I didn’t want tom compromise myself to any field hand.

Aww, thanks guys.

Hi. You must continue writing this. I don't really know what's going on, what the situation is between the couple. Why are they acting the way they are? What is their relationship like?

I love how you wrote it and I was sad when the page came to an end. Please, please, please continue. *likes*

-Crescent

Hello!
This is interesting and really does build up the tension, but I think that these huge paragraphs make readers here run away! Try to separate them somehow.

The description is so detailed and well written, but I don't really have a grasp of the characters, but I'm certain that if you continued this I would!

Keep writing!