Young Writers Society

I liked it. I wish you were a little more vivid with your words, though. I think you needed to describe the moment more before you brought up making love. An audience has to have four play too. :p

hey, girl. this is true and this is right, but i think that we need to take it just a little bit away from the blunt truth and give it more of the magic you bring in once you get into it. the first six or so lines are very common-place. i would hear them in a blog. they're basically prose with line breaks -- nothing poetic about them, and i know you can do better to abstract the sentiment just slightly, or at least inject some of that infectious enthusiasm into them,' cause the rest of the poem sure doesn't sound like a blog.

that said, the last sentence is the perfect balance between simple and abstracted, but is ultimately carried by the sentiment: so strong.

as for the second stanza, the thing i have the most problem with is the odd conflict of time in the title / first sentence. the hands remembered them before they left, so not after they left? i know you're trying to pinpoint the remembering to a certain point in time, skewing the usual usage of remembering, but if you want to use it that way, you might as well bring in a super special word -- like photocopied but not as out-of-tone. carbon-copied? brushed the shape over like those old crayon-texture tracings? dig into it or else use remember like it's supposed to be used: "my hands remember the shape of your back from before i left".

also, the shape = these things? is it plural or singular?

also, i think a simple present tense (make love) would be preferable to (are making) -- it seems more timeless. i guess that's up to you, since you also use "inhaling and exhaling", but contrast that with "roll" and "close". do you want it timeless or do you want the reader to mark that there was a set space of time during which this was happening?

give the first stanza some of the spice of the second, clean the second, and this'll do justice to the subject.

leave me a pm or wall-post if you have any questions.

good luck!

Hello! Overall, I really liked this. The wording is beautiful and I especially liked the title line. Just a couple small things:

1) The line breaks in the first stanza don't always work. The first line is chopped off at a weird spot, and it distracts the reader. The line with "Being away from you is getting/old..." also seems cut off oddly. I'd rethink these lines so they flow better.

2) "breath" in the second stanza should be "breathe", since it's a verb.

Overall, this was a lovely piece. Good job and keep writing!