Published April 15, 2010
As the subtle rhythms of
My world enact upon my being
I realize my
Wrongs and I feel naked
Resting head upon hand, I
Only notice that I have failed, the
Null suddenly
Growing until the sea of what I know encloses
Around me
Bubbling, gurgling
Outside they all stand
Uttering, shuddering at
The horrid sight of me
The words they say are
Hateful and
I slowly
Sink away
?
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140,277 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Before I begin, I just had a quick note. If you're doing an acrostic poem and your word is actually more then one word, there should be spaces between them. amiwrongaboutthis does not make sense, but am I wrong about this does.
So, anyway! I liked this poem. Acrostic poems can be quite hard to write, but I think you pulled it off rather nicely. Silented got most of my nitpicks, but here is one more:
Okay, so you've never mentioned actual talking before in your poem. You mention various noisy gestures, but nothing about talking, and to introduce it close to the end is just confusing.
Anyway, I can definitely see your talent, and I hope you keep on writing! PM me if you have questions.
-Elinor xo
Truly, truly loved this.
Thankyou for writing it.
I will praise you for trying the acrostic. No, not trying, doing. I'd say you've written this and pulled it off really well. I also really like how the poem seems certain that you've done somthing wrong, and yet, the subtle question behind it isn't really certain at all.
I do agree that some things are worded a little awkwardly, maybe you could have taken a bit more time and explored your options a little more.
And lastly, welcome to YWS!
This all pretty choppy for me. If that the effect you were looking for, good job, if not you may want to fix it. Mostly I had trouble following from one idea to the next.
And you seem to phrase things weirdly, is that to keep the flow or something? That was one of them. That also made it weird for me, the phrasing like that, I mean.
But I did like the imagery and things. Good job.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
This is really good. I like the theme, the fact you wrote about the word you used as the acrostic. I don't get the bubbling and gurgling part, however. Maybe you could PM me and explain? Anyway.
Im going to give you 5/5 for the idea.
5/5 for the sentences.
An overall score of 10/10.
I truly did love this.
Yours truly.
Biffle