Hey,
Come here.
I'll show you something.
'Show me what?'
Just come.
'Where are we going?'
Somewhere you've never been before.
'What? No, I don't want to go.'
Trust me.
It'll be worth it.
'Okay.'
...
'Are we there yet?'
Hmm?
Almost.
'Almost? When is almost?'
Just be patient.
Okay, now close your eyes.
'What?! No.'
C'mon just have a little faith in me.
'You're going to leave me, aren't you.'
No.
The thing I want to show you is a surprise.
'Alright then.'
Okay, close them tight.
'Okay.'
Now, I'm going to guide you.
Hold my hand.
Don't trip now.
'Where are we going?'
I told you.
It's a surprise.
...
Okay, stay there for a bit.
'Oi, don't leave me!'
Close your eyes.
I'm not going to leave you.
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Okay. Now open them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello, maryanne.
Ohmegawd, I am flipping out because of how it ended xD I honestly want to know what happened in the end but you left a lot of suspense there, which was actually pretty effective. Honestly, I enjoyed this poem so much. I liked everything that was going on. Once again, the ending left me hanging terribly. I was really about to cry xD
My favorite lines were:
Because the person placed their faith in the other person's heart, which was kind of cute. Keep up the good work! I will enjoy more of your writings c:
-K
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Haha thank you
Hi there, just a quick review on your poem!
I agree with the reviews made on this poem. They are helping your further strengthen the impact on your poem. Personally, I was impressed by the poem narrated by a conversation between you and him/her. The character seemed like a secret. This character was not given an indication of whether it is a man or woman. But I guess that's not too important (but I hope to know).
Title of poem written in all capital letters - as if it is something significant and your want to highlight the importance of trust between one another. The poem has a good story flow with little suspense created to raise questions.
Actually the more I read this poem at a time, the meaning gets changing and growing. I am increasingly impressed with your ideas. It looks easy, without using any figurative language. It makes your poem easy to understand.
A good use of punctuation seems to bring more effect to the poem. Honestly, I did not expect the end. But I have seen this way to give suspense to the reader, even if the answer is sometimes less satisfactory / not like what was expected. But it depends on the evaluation / opinion of the readers themselves. You can always free to bring uniqueness on your writing technique as long as it worth it to be used in the poem. Keep it up!
Kudos, cheers.
Thank you
I am an awful human being and I am going to belligerently offend you.
Whew, now that that's out of the way...
Alright, this was weird for me. The poem it's self was weird, I mean. But a VERY good kind of weird... A kind of weird that even a prudish, classical poetry snob like myself can appreciate. The diction was enigmatic and childlike, which was splendid and smoothe. The execution was very elementary, but played into the childishness in a very fruitful manner. The result of this combination was a flawless employment of immature style and character, which rather than annoying me, as I would usually feel annoyed by such qualities, intrigued me-- all thanks to said beatific execution. Furthermore, the lack of structure continued this trend-- which was super duper rad. I thoroughly enjoyed those elements of the piece.
Now, the elements-- or element, in this case-- that I didn't enjoy was the picture at the ending. As a well-established writer, and particularly a poet, I feel that pictures should never substitute writing. I feel like a lengthy, more complicated description of the view would have better suited the piece, as it would have created a rich contrast with the previously written child-like diction. Perhaps for something other than poetry, a picture would have appealed to me more.
Overall, again, this piece was quite pleasing to read aside the one element I mentioned. It seems you have a grasp on the connotative meanings of particular words and styles of writing, which is a skill even some of the very best authors I've read seemingly never really grasped. Good job, and never stop writing.
xoxo
KittyBee
Just as @Cheetah said, I based this off the picture. However, I wasn't really too sure about putting it there but I did anyway
Thank you for the review.
Oh and don't worry, you didn't really offend me
Hello Maryanne, Cheetah here to review your piece!
First off, I want to say, I enjoyed reading this. You moved things right along and paced it all perfectly. I really liked the concept and it reminded me of a picture prompt. Did you base the poem off the picture?
Let's see, start off my capitalizing the 'hey.' I'm debating whether or not I like it better the way it is now or if instead you could say,
It's your choice, really. It all depends on what you want the flow to be like.
Add a comma here.
I don't think the 'Haha' is really necessary. 'Just be patient' seems sufficient to me.
Again, just add a comma.
The first line's good, but in the second line I would delete the 'alright' since you already used it in the prior line.
That's it! I really loved the ending. Beautiful.
Thank you for sharing and keep writing!
That actually makes more sense
thank you.
You're welcome!