"The World"
I wish the world today was new.
I wish the world today was just like you.
I wish it was fresh and immature, I
wish the world was inexpierenced.
I wish there were no wars, no killings,
and no whores. Why can't it all be done?!
Why can't you understand, the world
we live in, is not the one. The world we
live in is old and worn, the world we live in
has been tanted by man, the world we
need, is pured by God's hand. I wish the
world was loved, I wish the world had no
drugs. I wish you could understand, that
not you, but God has the whole world in his hands.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hmm... I don't like the stucture, that's one thing that hit me as annoying. Maybe it is personal preference, but in a whole, I don't think it is. Your work would be better if you structured in into stanzas to make it look more professional and also, it tends to give the flow a better effect on the reader, because when they read it, the structure gives it natural pauses.
Also, I didn't much like the punctuation either. There was no variation and this makes it quite tedious to read because it's all in one block. It didn't really seem all that poetic, it was just like a piece of descriptive writing.
Improvements need to be carried out; but you have some good ideas here.
Mary, you don't critique other people's work in your thread. You have to comment on their actual work where it is. Otherwise it defeats the purpose.
uh, o yea i just checked out some of your work and its plain and alright but you def. need some improvement
To start:
1. In the beginning, it's a bit unclear when you say that "I wish the world today was just like you". Who exactly is you? This is because diffrent readers will have diffrent personalties, some even might totally contradict the rest of the poem.
2. There are also some contradictions such as "I wish it was fresh and immature, I
wish the world was inexpierenced." Right now, there are wars around the world because we are an inexperieced and immature planet. If everyone knew better, than these things would likely decrease and stop.
3. Also there seems to be a line that is misplaced "I wish the world was loved, I wish the world had no drugs." When you hit "Why can't it all be done?! ", you stopped saying I wish and then it suddenly jumps back in.
4. It is also rhymes in random places although it is not consistent. When it does rhyme however, it seems a bit tacky for something this deep.
It's okay, but could need some work.
P.S. You should also put different lines beneath each other.