The Rabbit Jake
Bestrode a mule
And rode into the town
His eyes agleam with silver's bliss
And thoughts of feather down
He tossed a coin
Upon the bar
And called for spirits raw
He slaked his thirst, did rest his feet
The cur, he called for more
So throwing back
His heady drink
Hair flying wild and grey
The ancient bandit set to rest
And wonder at his prey
For long had he
Been wild-confined
And driven from all towns
Yet now he could sit back and wait
While sculling liquor down
The sheriff burst
Into the den
His guns akimbo splayed
He stood his ground and waited for
His force to be arrayed
The county men
Had taken arms
Surrounding that old inn
So bursting in, they were perplexed
To find nought there but gin
The bandit fled
They hung their heads
And crawled back to their homes
The sheriff returned to his roost
To ponder payroll tomes
Thus Rabbit Jake
That daring man
So bold and brave and rash
Did partake of a tavern's beer
Paid for himself in cash
This fore unheard
Turn of events
Did cause him to retire
As Jake himself found out that day
It earns you more to hire
The bandit did
Turn mercenary
He served his nation proud
But on his uniform lapel
He wore his rabbit proud
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked how the words flowed, especially at the ending. However, I would have liked if you kept the guy evil personally. But, you could have "flavored it up". Like make it more descriptive and have exciting words. Good job! Keep on writing.
Dragon Rider
Well, well, quite a funny story. Just what is the meaning of it though? At first I thought it was a comical story, but somehow the ending intrigued me and led me to believe there was a deeper meaning.
Anyway, that aside, I had problems with this stanza:
This is the ending stanza, and very important, as it finishes off the story. It doesn't follow the same rhythm of the rest of the poem, and you use the same word at the ends. My only advice for your whole work is to change this last bit.
I had a lot of fun reading the poem a few times, but I still didn't find any morale or meaning. Maybe your only intention was for it too be purely funny.
Anyways, awesome stuff,
Jenth
P.S. Isn't this something like a ballad? Just wondering.