Our hearts sing a lively tune of young love.
Faster, faster,
Our hearts knitted together like a warm wool sweater,
Your hands; heart - keeping me warm,
A cold winter's night could never cool the fire that lies deep within our hearts.
I could never love you like another,
So I will say in ten years.
Relationships come and go,
But you are a part of me,
My sole means of survival,
During my adolescence.
Though I may never find anyone,
Half as free-spirited as yourself,
You'll be with me forever,
In my heart.
I will always remember...
No one as exciting, spirited, or
Amorously alive,
As you.
Together,
We are one.
You make me whole.
You brighten my heart - my day.
Your life embedded into mine,
By the seams of our hearts,
Our minds,
Our bodies.
One.
Your pure image embedded in my soul.
Your personality
The beauty of your being lay hands on my heart.
An everlasting touch that you bring to my life.
Embers aglow, faces smiling,
We sit near the fire that keeps us warm,
The fire in our hearts,
The fire amidst our lives,
Our lives are one.
The somber drums beat as our eyes meet.
The world stops, heart hops.
The only two people left in the world.
Hand to hand,
Mouth to mouth,
Toe to toe,
We go.
When I grow up,
I may forget,
About you,
About us,
About our memories.
But my heart will never forget,
The love we had,
Shared,
The times we spent together,
Me, in your arms,
Not a care in the world.
Just you and me,
We see each other eye to eye.
First touch,
First dream,
First kiss,
First love.
An enchanting oblivion unseen to the eye, yet known to the heart.
Magical...
(Sorry it's so long; I couldn't stop writing) It's an addiction... :S haha
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with Suzanne. It's nice, and would certainly be appreciated by whomever you decide to give it to, if you do at all. But as a stand-alone piece of poetry, it's too long for what it is, with too many overused images in what feels like a random order. With these sorts of things it's almost always better to go shorter than longer. And while the thought counts, it's moreso in gift-giving than in poetry.
Good luck and keep writing!
Okay, revised and, hopefully, ready.
What do you think?
I really enjoyed it, you had me on the edge of my computer chair! (literally... then fell off)
*****
What on earth did line breaks do to you to deserve such mistreatment?
Line breaks in poetry are often used to create drama, yes? A sense of either urgency or deliberation, a suspense. Instead of using blank space to do that, use your words. I sense you have the ability to do so--you certainly have great potential as a poet--but you're abusing your muse horribly here.
Was this meant to be uncertain? If so, brava; when most would say "I could never love anyone else like I love you," you reverse it. The meaning could, by some readings, remain the same, but it hints at the fact that there is love after young love, and that love can (and often is) much stronger. This layering works well; I would strengthen it throughout.
...What? The repetition in the first stanza gets, to borrow your word, "cumbersome"--and in a strange twist of fate, cumbersome is far too cumbersome a word to fit neatly into a poem of such simple language. Don't get me wrong; I think the simplicity of the language is wonderful. It suits perfectly. But this stanza doesn't work at all, I'm afraid. And the following line--well, you've just right from beautiful subtlety to painstakingly spelling it out for us. Or perhaps I should say, painfully. "Two-timing" is so colloquial, and though your language is, as I've said, simple here, it is certainly not colloquial. Except for the fuzzy sweater thing. That could do with losing a few adjectives.
In any event, my dear, best of luck in this and all future endeavours.
Cheers.
There is nothing to critique here it was good. Keep writing
Okay, thanks, will do.
Also appreciated the fact that you didn't severely bash my poem, but rather critiqued it in a nice manner - thank you for that as well.
Phew! Off to work again. *begins writing random musings*
It's cute. But that is about as far as it goes.
You could have written a love poem all in the words and styles of music! The harmony, the discord, the sharps and the flats and the moments of chaos where high note meets low!... It would have been beautiful.This is good if you want to give it to your fellow (I'm sure he will be charmed ^_^) but as a poem to share with the world, it is lacking. You should share something with your reader, share the feelings. Thing about this: how can you make your reader feel as though they are flouting on "cloud nine" with you? How can they feel the fire too? The answer is in word choice, imagery, metaphor, and plain old good writing. This might turn into something really good if you pull the strings tighter, and focus more.
Also, it was a bit long, and your lines that are all by themselves are annoying/unnecessary. You should have stanzas, and if it be, one or two lines on their own, but many lines is just odd. Maybe go dig up some classic love poetry to get inspiration. ^_~
I also think you missed the chance for an amazing metaphor:
I suggest sitting around and thinking real hard on what you want your audience to feel, believe, think, do after they read this poem, and try to find out in which way you can express that to them. Reading some poetry for examples may help.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!