Young Writers Society

I totally understand the repeated words=better flow. That's like what I was saying, I believe--with how the repetition of words makes it draw me in. The way it sounds, feels, is. If you do another rewrite, feel free to PM me so I know it's up. I don't want to miss it.

Thank you all; your comments are much appreciated.

In reply to shadowstorm, I like the 1st rewrite more than the 2nd rewrite, because I got it critiqued on another board, and that's why I wrote the rewrites. For some reason, they didn't like the repetition of some of the words, but I did that for a reason, instead of rephrasing the words "owner" and "scent" a billion times. Like by using keeper, possessor, .etc and fragrance and aroma...

However, I like using "possessor" more than "owner". I think I'm going to rewrite it again, keeping some of the repetition, because somehow when I read it without the repeated words, it loses the flow that I originally intended for my poem to have, if you catch my drift...

I liked the first two versions of the poem best. The reason why is how throughout the poems you kept using the same words frequently, like lust and owner. Something about how frequently they appeared but with new meanings made the poems draw me in. The two line ones aren't as captivating in any of the poems. I think that's because it's just too short to be compatible with the length of the poem as a whole.

Good job. I look forward to more.

Yet another rewrite of the poem...

Clandestine aromas escape from the bottle,
The scents of the world depart with one spray.

Evidence of passion consumes the air,
Exotic scents are whisked away by the breeze.

Its wearer, masked behind the perfume's power,
Entranced by the magical fumes,
Their lust for the potion nestled on their body,
Its power, uncontrollable.

The almighty fragrance, hypnotizing its keeper,
The possessor, godly with compelling mist,
The elixir, a dangerous weapon,
Their indulgence revealed.

Sensuality inhabits the user's mind,
The brew, an aphrodisiac with no antidote.

With the last spray of its intoxicating fumes,
The perfume's marvel lingers.

I like the topic. It seemed very professionally presented, too, with no real obvious typos or spelling/grammar don'ts. It seemed a little long, though. Not as in too long a poem, just as in... it seemed like you had one idea, and you dragged it out; like for its length it wasn't saying much, like the third stanza and the first stanza and the second stanza and so on were all saying approximately the same thing. That wouldn't matter so much, but you repeat a lot of the words, such as 'aromas' and 'owner'. Try using different words to say different things, and if you don't have something new to add to the poem, it's ok to make it shorter.

I think this is a really good start. Keep working on it, and keep writing. Can't wait to read more!

Sophie

Oh, and this critique is based on your rewrite; forgot to mention that.

Here's a re-write:

Clandestine aromas escape from the bottle,
The world's aromas evade with one spray.

Evidence of passion consume the air,
Exotic scents, whisked away by the breeze.

Its owner, masked behind the perfume's power,
Intoxicated and tranced by the magical fumes,
The lust for the aroma nestled on the owner's body,
Its power, uncontrollable, by the owner and all.

Aromas from the bottle escape from one spray:
The owner, godly with powerful mist,
Pheromones, a dangerous weapon,
The owner's destiny is to be revealed.

Indulgence inhabits the owner's mind,
Overusing the powerful elixir for revenge.

With the last spray of it's intoxicating fumes,
The perfume's marvel lingers on.

I would be glad to critique/comment anyone's poetry if they critique/comment on mine...