My mind: filled with thoughts of love,
Daring to escape in the form of passion,
Revealing my hidden desires,
Dexterity, what I need most.
My body: the fruit of gossip
Grapevine of my soul, harassed,
Basis of evil words and actions,
Reputation, what I lack.
My spirit: exploited
Hope to reveal my true self,
Walking on water, unapproachable dream,
Spontaneity, my better half.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Ouch. But no, he's totally right. Imitate the best, and eventually you'll form your own ideas--and your ideas will sound better.
mariahneu,
Each revision you have produced has shown no dramatic increase in dexterity nor in skill of reconstruction.
Advice: set this aside. Forget you wrote it, and start reading the poetry here and elsewhere that gets favorable reviews. This will give you an idea for the kind of material expected of you at this level. Then, just write as much as you can--imitate the styles of poets you're fond of, use lyrics from songs that mean something to you, whatever--practice as often and as frequently as you can.
Come back to this in several weeks and see if you aren't embarrassed.
Best,
Brad
While each of these have the possibility of being interesting ideas if developed further, they are connected little in the context of the poem, and as such, don't create the effect that they could. I wonder what you're trying to tell the world through this poem. A note on imagery: your ideas are rather vague at the moment: "My spirit: exploited / Hope to reveal my true self" does not tell anything new. Maybe your spirit is exploited, but what does that really mean? Using your words, how can you show the reader so that s/he might be as impacted as you are? Think about these kinds of things when concentrating on imagery.
PM me if you have any questions,
-melia
There, I just edited it again. Basically, I changed the whole idea behind the body and the spirit, but I kept most of the mind contents.
What do you think?
hmmm I still have a problem with the comma, comma, comma period thing. But I'm going to steal what snoink does it see if this helps you..
Okay, so I didn't kill a whole lot but it does hinder your poem. I took out the adjectives and adverbs. What do you have left...?
Basically what I'm saying: Don't tell us, show us. Use imagery! And your senses: taste, touch, hear, smell, and of course sight! You really didn't change the poem that much from before, just the punctuation and perhaps a word or two? When really, the content does need to be changed.
Hope this helps!
Thank you both for their critiques. I just edited the poem above, so please reply with what you think of the revised version.
I always ramble on about not being the sort to critique poetry, but I'm going to try. Excuse it if it's sloppy, I'm new at this. ^_^ And welcome to YWS!
1. You say "inhabited," therefore characterizing "thoughts" as people.
2. So your thoughts, already characterized, are escaping in the form of passion. So the little people-thoughts are exploding into passion? I don't think this is your original intent, but that's how it came across.
3. Why are her thoughts revealed to everyone around her? Cause she tells everyone and the rest of the world. lovely.
4. The last sentence didn't really go with the theme of the first paragraph. But honestly, the first paragraph didn't make much sense anyway.
5. Well, your body isn't really cloaked from the world. and it's an ineffective metaphor.
6. This is a very good line ^_^
7. It's never a good idea to outright talk about your spirit. You can't see it, and we don't particularly care.
8. Also not a good idea to talk about sorrow. The only person who ever got away with talking about sorrow was Lacey from Flyleaf. And she's famous.
9. Good description
CONCLUSION
Not a very original idea, but a couple of good descriptions. Just keep writing. The more you write, the better you'll get.
Hmmm It might take me a moment to gather my thoughts on this. So, first, to the grammar!
Your punctuation structure was bothersome. Comma, comma, comma, period! Repeat. Doesn't really work... does it? When punctuating a poem you should focus on how it fits in grammatically, and how it also helps the poem out. Don't stick commas on the end of each lines, and don't put a comma where you pause while reading, but a comma where it make sense. This article might help you: Poetry & Punctuation. Then for the beginning of each line, I think you should write it like so:
My mind: inhabited by thoughts of love
See how I used a colon? It makes a lot more sense than a comma.
I suppose, now, on to the content. No more delaying on my part, hm? I'm not really sure what I think. On one hand, you have some nice visuals (Shaggy burlap sack) then on the other, I don't really understand it, relate to it, feel with it, or... anything. You are telling, and being navel gazing (a term which means paying more attention to yourself, rather than the reader). Perhaps if you payed more attention to imagery, both sensory and visual (Eh, those the same? For some reason, they feel different to me.) and if you consider, how does this make the reader feel? Can they understand what I feel, and relate? Here, I don't really know... what you feel? You are talking about your spirit, body, and mind, but I'm not sure there is anything I can take away from this...?
You're young, so probably new to poetry? A good suggestion is to read poetry! You learn a lot from this.
Okay, well, deep breath! I know I just said a whole lot and you might be freaking out thinking, "Oh gosh, I suck!" no, you don't suck! Writing is about learning, and you aren't going to be amazing from the beginning. Just take the advice that you get, and try again.
Best of luck!