Cindy and the dragon

by mareandfoal

  • Short Story
  • Fantasy

Published April 21, 2011

Once in a world that was far away, here lived a horse that was not like all of the other horses, she was not very lovely in the way that all of the other horses were, her coat was white and offed had mattes in it because she was helping others. She was kind, intelligence and very brave but the other horses did not see that. Most of the time she did not care but sometimes, like all people, she did care. Her name was Cindy her parents named her that because it meant light. All of the other horses thought her name was very nice but because she was not lovely in the way that all of the other horses were none could call her by it. Cindy disliked that they could not see her good qualities and that they would not call her by her name. Cindy did not have a single friend with the other horses, the friends she did have were cat and a fox and they loved to play with her they saw all that was good and kind in her. One day when they were working on something they saw a incredibly big blue dragon but when they tried to tell the leaders of the horses, the leaders laughed at the idea that a dragon would be near them but Cindy knew that there was a dragon out there and if the leaders would not listen she would find someone who would listen Cindy and her friends started to tell people but all of the people they told would laugh and said,

“The leaders said that were no dragons near-by.”

Cindy knew there was a dragon out there and if the leaders and the people would not stop the dragon then she would. Cindy thought that she had heard a story about how dragon-bane could stop a dragon. Dragon-bane though was very tough to find because it was hard to grow and the people who could grow it though dragons had be terminate but she had heard in a story there had been a good size patch of dragon bane. The story said that the place had everything that dragon bane needed to grow lots of rain; some sun and no people to destroy the dragon bane. The story said the opening was on a hill and on the hill there was a door that lead to a secret land but the door to that land was only open on the eve of the summer solstice which was in one week. Now the safe way to the hill was two weeks long but if you took the shortcut you could cut it down to one week. She knew what she had to do. She would have to go to the secret land to get the dragon-bane and stop the dragon.

The trip was long and hard but at last they were at the door to the secret land. Before Cindy opened the door she looked at her friends and said to them “The trip was long and it was hard but now we can get what we need to stop the dragon. So now let us open the door!” They opened the door and in a burst of light they saw a lady and behind her a field of dragon bane. The lady spoke in a soft, quiet voice, “Welcome to the land of Hope and Dreams. I’m Ganesa, Goddess of Intelligence and Wisdom. Who are you and what do are you doing here.” Cindy was surprised at first to meet the Goddess of Intelligence and Wisdom but she quickly composed herself and said in a loud voice, “My name is Cindy and I’m here because I need some dragon-bane so I can stop the dragon in my town.”

When Ganesa heard that she calmly told Cindy “You may have some. I will get you home quickly so you can stop the dragon.” As she finished speaking a handful of dragon bane flew out from the field into her hand and they appeared at Cindy’s home. When they got to Cindy’s home; the dragon was starting to destroy the town, then Ganesa bestow Cindy a in a shower of sparks a pair of wings. At first Cindy was started to see the wings but she quickly got over and started to fight the dragon, the dragon breathed a big thing of lighting at Cindy; she quickly turned away and threw the dragon bane in to the dragon’s mouth. The dragon looked very surprised, has if the dragon thought that no-one could stop him and than with a giant moan the dragon die.

Than Ganesa said to Cindy,

“Cindy, you now must make a decision you can stay here but no-one will know what happen here and nor will you. The other one is to come with me and live your life in the secret land and as all great people will in this world you will fade in to a story.”

Now that has no decision at all so Cindy said, “Ganesa I will happily come and live in the secret land with you.” And so she did and with her story the other horses learned that that wisdom, intelligence, and courage, is more important than looks and they all live more or less happily ever after.

THE END

Comments & reviews · 3
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Busheldood
Review
Busheldood wrote a review Review · Apr 21, 2011

It was good and xoCairo was right, you do have potential. The story had a good plot, but not a lot of description. It sounded as if you had wanted to finish it as fast as possible. Try and explain what really goes on and a little more about the characters so the reader can really know what's happening. The trick is to try and draw the reader into the story so the reader feels like a part of it. It could do with a few aditions and changes, but it was a good start :)

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xoCairo
Review
xoCairo wrote a review Review · Apr 21, 2011

Well. Overall, this wasn't bad but there is a lot of work you need to do. I've only posted a few of the run-ons that need to be corrected. I didn't mind the concept of this but the story itself seemed over really fast, and it had a very carefree atmosphere (which is odd, considering the whole dragon destroying the town, thing). Still, I think you have potential. :)

Once in a world that was far away, there lived a horse that was not like all of the other horses, she was not very lovely in the way that all of the other horses were, her coat was white and it also was hard, and always had matts in it because she was helping others. (Her coat was hard? What? I also don't understand the end of the sentence. How does she get matts from helping others?)


It's a run-on sentence, you could easily cut it down. I would suggest breaking it down like this, after you edit what needs to be edited:

Once in a world that was far away, there lived a horse that was not like all of the other horses. She was not very lovely in the way that all of the other horses were. Her coat was white and it also was hard, and always had matts in it because she was helping others.


Most of the time she did not care but sometimes, like all people, she did care. Her name was Cindy her parents named her that because it meant light


The first sentence honestly doesn't fit. I understand the concept, but changing it would probably do you good. The second sentence is a run-on and could be changed as well. For example:

Most of the time, she tried not to care. But, like all horses, sometimes she couldn't help it. Her name was Cindy, a name her parents chose because its meaning was "light."


All of the other horses thought her name was very nice but because she was not lovely in the way that all of the other horses were none could call her by it. Cindy disliked that they could not see her good qualities and that they would not call her by her name.


I don't understand why they can't call her Cindy. Yes, it's a nice name, but what does it have to do with what she looks like?

Cindy did not have a single friend with the other horses, the friends she did have were cat and a fox and they loved to play with her they saw all that was good and kind in her. One day when they were working on something they saw a incredibly big blue dragon but when they tried to tell the leaders of the people, the leaders laughed at the idea that a dragon would be near them but Cindy knew that there was a dragon out there and if the leaders would not listen she would find someone who would listen Cindy and her friends started to tell people but all of the people they told would laugh and said,


More run-ons. :( Use periods/exclamation points/question marks occasionally. A short sentence isn't bad. Also, I don't understand where the dragon came from, or what it has to do with anything. I suppose that's up to you to correct, but here's the non-run-on version of above:

Cindy did not have a single friend with the other horses. The friends she did have were a cat and a fox. They loved to play with her, and they saw all that was good and kind in her. One day, when they were working on something, (be specific?) they saw a incredibly big blue dragon. When they tried to tell the leaders of the people (people or horses?), the leaders laughed at the idea that a dragon would be near them. Cindy knew that there was a dragon out there and, if the leaders would not listen, she would find someone who would. Cindy and her friends started to tell people but all of the people they told laughed and said,


the people who could grow it though dragons had be terminate


Um... what?

Who are you and what are you doing here? (get rid of 'do,' end with a question mark)


“Cindy, you now must make a decision you can stay here but no-one will know what happen here and nor will you. The other one is to come with me and live your life in the secret land and as all great people will in this world you will fad in to a story.”


A bit confusing. I think you mean 'fade,' not fad...? Rephrase those sentences so they're less confusing.



But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red