Chelsea
She hated the fact she was different. Not just in the usual way, either. No, she was even different from the people who were different, too. Out of everyone she asked, everyone she thought would have a chance at understanding, they all said the same thing. They wouldn’t change it. Not for the world. It was who they were. They could never, ever change that. It made them strong, defined their spirit. She had to admit that part was true, but they made it sound like it never hindered them. Like they never cried. Like they never felt upset over their rare and unusual punishment. Not that it was a punishment, but it felt like one.
They swore they understood her feelings. They talked about their challenges openly, sharing more than one personal detail. Under normal circumstances, that would’ve been enough for her. To feel like somebody was there to support her other than her parents when she stumbled through life. Their helping hand however, had seemed to turn into more of a shove upward. With the countless pep talks, encouragement that she would be able to find the wheelchair more a blessing than a curse, in time would force her to be independent. Apparently they really didn’t understand, because if they did, they would just stop. Stop telling her that the challenges that she was facing would be a molehill in comparison to the future. Stop telling her that she should learn to be independent while she was so young. Stop telling her what her stupid disability had done for her.
No, they didn’t understand. No one could. So it was that night decided to fly away, high above the stars. She would guard and protect the people like her, whom she knew just wanted to feel, if only for a moment, understood. At the stroke of midnight, she gathered her things, pressed the note against the glass of the window for whoever would come looking for her. Took the leather pouch in one hand. The quiet house was eerie, it was almost as if it was holding its breath with her. Opening the leather pouch with a surprisingly steady hand, she removed the dust. With careful fingers, she sprinkled it over herself. She had just enough time to open the window before the wind ran through the house. She smiled and breathed deeply. Finally free.
Then Chelsea’s soul flew out the window.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Marcia!
I am here to review your story, as I promised yesterday. Like I've already mentioned, your writing style is catchy. I love the fact that your punctuation is decently placed (I am a comma freak), and that your words are neatly organized in paragraphs. As a reader, I really appreciate that, for it helps us to avoid confusions. Professionalism will get you far in the writing world... And, guess what? You're doing that right! ;]
However, I would like to suggest you something that could hook the reader into your story a little bit more. I noticed that some of your sentences are unnecessarily short, as in they could be linked to other sentences with such words as "because""and" and "but". Here's one example of what I am saying:
(If you take a second look at your story, you only wrote one because, three and's, and two but's) How come that silly thing be important?, you may be wondering. Well, those kind of words give the reader a warm feeling; they make them feel welcome and give them the feeling that they can fit in. Although, I am not telling you to make extremely long sentences either, because that could be confusing too. Writing (and life in general) is about making a balance. And you've got the potential, girl. ;] I know you can do it!
There's my grain of sand. I hope I've expressed myself correctly. However, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me sometime.
Your friend,
GeeLyria
Hello!
An interesting concept. However, it was very short, and I think it could be made longer and redone.
I had to force myself to keep reading through the first paragraph. I feel like the first paragraph just sits there, saying something without saying anything. Make sure every word you use has a purpose. I don't understand anything about the character that makes me engaged in the piece. My reasoning is that everyone thinks they are different than everyone else, and it didn't really interest me. In fact, we don't find out that she's in a wheelchair until the middle of the second paragraph. And we never find out the specific details of her disability. Details are what makes a story interesting. I want to know the details of why she doesn't enjoy the encouragement of her friends and parents. I want to know how bad it is, and how much she wants to fly out that window. Which brings me to my next point.
Where did the leather bag full of magic powder come from? I'd like to know that, too. Perhaps you could turn this into a modern fairy tale, kind of like Jack in the Beanstalk, or something, where she has to trade something for the powder. What a person gives away can tell a lot about them.
The last paragraph is much more descriptive and in the moment than the rest of the piece. It kept my interest the most. But it did introduce suddenly and strangely the magic powder and her desire for escape. That's a lot to introduce at once.
My advice for this is to slow it down. It's a really interesting idea, but it needs hammering out. Good luck, and happy writing.
Hey there!
I liked this story quite a bit! It was a short one though, and I didn't really get the emotions I was looking for. I understand you wanted to show Chelsea as a girl who was sick of her life and wanted an escape. But the thing is the emotions don't show. This story was very fast paced, too fast. You jump from one point to the other within a few sentences, and the whole thing is a blur to the reader. Slow down, focus on talking about one thing at a time. For the first paragraph, elaborate on how different she was. What set her apart from the rest? What was it that made others treat her differently?
The second paragraph I think was the emotional one. It was there that you were talking about how she felt about all these, and how sick she was of her own life. Again it's unclear, when you talk about her disability, and independence. There's so little that is known to the reader, and so much that I want to find out. Give the reader some information, some back story. Tell the reader more about Chelsea's life. How she became what she was in the present. Let the reader understand what she's going through instead of just telling us how she feels.
The last paragraph was the escape part. It was there that she decided she had enough. She didn't seem to miss her family though. It was as if she couldn't care less if they knew she was gone, and she wouldn't have any regrets leaving. Was there anything to her current life she was attached to at all? Maybe that would generate some internal conflict within her. For this story however it seemed that she totally didn't want any more of this, and was desperate to leave. I don't get the thing about the dust though, what exactly was it? How does it play a role in her leaving?
The last sentence was very vague. What did you mean by her soul? Did she jump out and suicide? Or was it a figure of speech? It's pretty unclear, but then again it's something to keep readers thinking. For me it's alright, but I would hope that the rest of the story would be clearer.
Hope my review helped!
Hello Marcia!
As promised, I read your story here. Lemme just start by saying that I liked it quite a bit. My problems with it are as follows:
Not really sure who this Chelsea person is. I sort of feel for her, since she's obviously got some big problems, one of them probably being just the fact that nobody does understand her big problems. But still, what's wrong with her? What does she look like? I, as a writter, like to introduce my characters a little more. It's all about writting style though. With regards to your apparent style, This story was great. I do like how you ended it with her going out to protect others like her, and that makes me admire your character. You obviously have a clear picture of who this person is. Here you've presented me with a vague picture of who she is while still covering the basic defining features of this character.
Now the story itself was fantastic, even though little actually happened. It was an excelent prose, for which I'll give you a good 8 out of 10.