Young Writers Society

So the story seems interesting, but there are a few problems,
You have us loads of info really fast that could have been giving to us more naturally been given to us
Next, I would like to feel what the character was feeling, I felt distant.
Also, everything happened really fast, I couldn't really keep up. One moment she's running, the next, she's captured.
Over all, good job! Keep writing, and you'll get better, this idea could definitely go somewhere.

Okay you took this way to fast, I could hardly keep up with parts. Please put a space after each period. It really bothers my eyes!!! Also you had a lot of grammar mistakes you need to fix, I mean really really need to fix. This is I don't know, taking an Eragon feel to it. The story has potential, and I hope you continue with it. Also I would advise you to break the paragraphs down, it makes it easier on the reader's eyes. So yeah, i am done butchering your story now. *laughs evily* Good Luck with your writing.

Ok I do agree with everyone above (and possably everyone below, but they haven't posted yet so how would I know). I will not correct spelling , cause (if you can tell at all) I am a horrible speller!

OK now that I have that setilled(sp?), here's for what I think; 4 things

1.) DETAIL! You need tons more detail!! You could have writen that in like two chapters if you explaned and seperate it right!!

2.) Do what everyone above me said!

3.) Your story sounds too much like Eragon, you need to change something to make it sound different

4.) Do I know you? From a Board Called 'Writers Chat'?

That's it.

In general, espcially with fantasy novels, it's not a good idea to open it with big chucks of exposition like this. I find what works better is to work in the details through the story rather than telling us before the story actually starts. What would be more interesting to the reader, and much more enjoyable as a writer, would be to introduce us to your main character with some kind of action or a dialogue scene. Not necessarily a fight scene or something like that. With one of my novels, for example, I introduced one of the characters with him going to the mouth of the cave he lives in and luring a bird to the mouth of it where he killed it.

I see a lot in this, but I also think you need to follow the other's advice and REVISE REVISE REVISE!!!

but you have a good story in the works, that's for sure!

the other two basically have most mistakes out I would just like to suggest that you might want to think about changing the name of your m/c and slightly alter your plot so it's not so much like the book, Eragon.

As promised, I read it.

Thank you for pointing out all the problems, Firestarter, so I don't have to rip apart my best friend's work.

I pretty much agree with Firestarter. It sounds more like a folk tale than a fantasy novel. I don't know anything about these characters and it is written in a way that is pretty boring. It's way too repetitive.

Another typo: You used samll instead of small at least twice. Don't worry I do stuff like that all the time. But you really should proofread it before posting. I would suggest typing it on Word, let the annoying paper clip catch what it will catch and say your character names should be Air, Sapphire, and Airondack (that's just my guess) and then reread it and catch stuff like there v their.


Plus, why does the King need the dragon?

But I also agree that it is a great concept. But it does feel like you just told us three-quarters of the novel. If you need backdrop like the history between the king and the dragons and the riders because it will be essential to the rest of the story, put it as a separate prologue and start Chapter One with Aida and Saphina's story.

Also you should probably make the line between Aida and Saphina's story clearer if you do what I suggested above. Divide it with stars or something. Or use italics or different colored fonts.

Good idea, but it could defintely use some work.

First things - "immortal" is spelt wrong in there somewhere. "tooken" should be "taken". And please use spaces inbetween full stops and new sentences, it makes so much easier to read! Thank you.

There are many occasions of repeated word use such as 'wild'. Also, I think it would do well to give the King a name, give him some character. A lot of your sentence structure, I have to admit is poor. Most of it is simple sentences or compound sentences which makes the text look basic and, to be honest boring. Nothing gripped me in this to keep me reading. There needs to be more description, to set the scene and explain the scene. The pace was rushed and before you know it a long story has already been told in a couple of paragraphs. And don't even get me started on my questions? Who's this King the rules of? Who are these riders? Do they have names at all? Do they have any sort of personality? Where are they? Where is this is all occuring? Obviiously this is some sort of backdrop, and you've tried to keep it simple, but it needs a lot of fleshing out.

To be perfectly honest, this needs a lot of revision. You need to address firstly

1) Sentence structure
2) More description and explanation
3) Slow the pace down
4) Add more dialogue

But so I don't sound like such an ogre, I'll put the things I liked in here. I actually enjoyed the plot. It has great potential for an epic story, and with somw changes could become really really good.

*Extra things I noticed - there is a lot of typo's in here. I really think you should check over your work. E.g. I think I saw some occurences of 'there' which should have been the possessive form 'their'. 'lage' should be 'large' somewhere, and 'overabove' should be split into two seperate words. Try reading over your work and editing it furiously.