You want to speak the truth,But you won't,Why?
Are afraid of what other people will say and thik of you?
But you say you don't care about what other people think of you?
Why don't you just speak the truth?
What do you have to lose?Your friends?
If your "friends" leave you because of what you said they were never your true friends.
True friends respect your views and what the true you has to say.
Not speaking just pacifys the problem,
Avoiding the prblem and appeasing the wrong doer helps nothing ,
Who knows speaking the truth might change something?
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Firstly, the lines were really choppy and the line breaks were poor and secondly. it could really illustrate a more clear picture a deeper depth. There were also numerous spelling errors. The beginning didn't really lure you either.
I thought the first line was really strange. It could be cool if you divided the two lines, but the two of them together sounded really weird. I liked your point about the friends leaving
I very much agreed with the first line and the second line was OK. The ending wasn't poor, but I don't think it was great either. This could use some work, but could be good if edited
I agree with everyone else, you made numerous errors, nothing flowed, nothing had rythem, it was just....uggg. Sorry, but this is a very bad poem.
I've got 4 things to say about this poem:
1. You spelled think and problem wrong.
2. Put a space after punctuations
3. "If your "friends" leave you because of what you said they were never your true friends. " whoa...whoa...run-on sentence.
4. Didos Brad.
:returns from bathroom after puking:
I'm afraid to inform you this was not a poem; it was a cliched interrogation of a person you probably don't know all that well. You basically moralized at me, and god knows we all lack the virtue of honesty. Still, it is pounded into our minds to tell the truth at all times because the truth will always make things better, which is what you said in this poem, inadvertantly or not. Overall, my suggestion is to stop looking for morals, and start looking for poetry in your life. Doing what is right and doing what is best are not always equivalent, as this poem suggests. Before you beging looking into other people and questioning their actions, first look at the ground they walk and the altars they have built to protect themselves, perhaps then you will understand how to write a poem critiquing someone.
Hey the depressing poems are usually the best. Don't worry. I think we've all felt that way one time or another.
Thanks for the criticism. I am very horrible at where to place punctuation in a poem. It also has been a really long time since I wrote a poem. I have another poem I was going to post but its really really personal and might make me seem depressend.
Ugh, that's all I have I have to say about this poem. Basically I agree with what others had to say. Grammar and spelling are atrocious, and its really confusing.
Also I think you're trying to write a poem like it's a story. SPLIT YOUR LINES! PLEASE! It makes the flow of any poem so much better if you split your lines well.
It also seems to me you filled a hat with basic topics, picked one out, and decided to write about it. It feels like you're really distant from what you're writing. If you care about the topic, show me. If you don't, DON'T WRITE! It's that simple.
If you want there to be any hope for this poem, make it sound personal. I don't necessarily mean first-person, although that's how I prefer to write and ading that personal touch is easier. Also who are you trying to touch with this poem? Make it sound like you're talking to them personally, not just a general message.
Hmm...maybe you could shift the focus of this to make it more original. Talk about these so-called friends and what they did. Show me what made them turn their backs.
As it is, this poem is bad. Play with it, and maybe it wont' be.
This was riddled with errors, in the form of spelling, grammar, oh, and generally everything. The least you could have done was checked through the work before you posted it, it's common etiquette.
There's no flow, no rhythm, no originality.
Not a great poem, I'm afraid.
The lay out was terrible it made it harder for the reader to read, which is highly important of course, not only that when you look at a poem and you see that its a big clump if you're like me you almost think well I can't be bothered to read it.
As nikki said the punctuation is all wrong...
The whole poem is very unorginal to be honest.
You want to speak the truth
But you won't - why?
Are afraid of what other people will say and think of you?
But you say you don't care about what other people think of you?
Why don't you just speak the truth?
What do you have to lose?
Your friends?
If your "friends" leave you because of what you said they were never your true friends.
True friends respect your views and what the true you has to say.
Not speaking just pacifys the problem,
Avoiding the problem and appeasing the wrong doer helps nothing,
Who knows speaking the truth might change something?
if you set it out a bit like that its better but you still need to REALLY work on the orginality of what you're saying - what you have told us in this poem is something we all know.
wu
Okay..First off, just an okay topic. I have learned that unless you can really write something phenomenal, you shouldn't use a topic like death, the truth, etc. These are all overused... But anyway...
My main thing was punctuatio/ fornat... It doesn't flow.... You use the wrong marks in the wrong places.
No comma after truth, no capital B. The Why doesn't really flow. Maybe incorporate it into the next line or get rid of it altogethrer. If you are intent on leaving it, space between the previous sentence and no comma after won't.
Thik should be think... This is really unoriginal...Put some meaning in, please!
How would there be a question mark there???? Also, don't use but at the beginning of the sentence. You used what other people will think of you twice in two lines. Very ineffective.
This is okay. Again, slightly unoriginal...
Does your computer not have a space bar? Put two spaces after the first question mark. Also, your friends is not a full sentence, and the fragment doesn't work here.
Oh my gosh... who cares?? I hear this from my parents all the time, it has no meaning to me anymore. How boring...
This was okay... I liked the last part about the true you....
Ummm..you like to state the obvious, huh?
This is not a strong ending, the grammar is incorrect and the flow is nonexistent. Who knows should have a comma or semicolon (not sure which would work better) after it. You need a strong finish..
Now, I have gotta say, I normally love your writing... This poem, though, was a worn out subject to begin with and the things you said have been heard many times before. If you insist on this topic, you need a new twist on it. The writing is okay, I guess, but your grammar and set up interrupt the flow and it bored me... I am not trying to be mean, but this poem really didn't do it for me. There was not much creativity and you didn't take anything original that I saw..
--Nikki